Well, I finally decided it was time to write again. My life has been hell to say the least for the last week. I am on medication and a lot all for my mental health. i have meds that help with my PTSD, anxiety, anti depressants, sleeping, nightmares/ flashbacks,, hallucintations/voices, a medication to help with the sideaffects and one that is supposed to inhance the meds that i take. i hate taking medication but i know i need them and have come to accept that fact. well, i pick up my meds for two weeks at a time. so naturally i go in last thursday to pick them up. they werent ready and they had already tried to reach my psych doctor twice with no answer. ok thats fine. so they were not ready. so i called on friday to make sure they are ready to pick up. i got the shock of my life. the doctor refused to fill them until he saw me again. that is bullshit i was beyond pissed. i have just spent the entire weekend awake for five days i had no medication in my system. i didnt think i was going to make it through it. i had to make arrangements for my daughter to stay some where safe in case i had to go into the hospital. it got bad couldnt eat couldnt sleep, the voices got out of control as did the hallucinations and anxiety. well, i had both therapy and seeing the doctor on tuesday. i feel so bad for my therapist. by the time i saw her i was so out of it i didnt know which was up and which was down. i dont remember our entire session just bits and pieces. i was so out of it that i remember talking about my hair and sitting there crying because it was dirty. i dont remember much more. i do know tuesday when i see her again i will be apologizing to her because i know that it couldnt have been a comfortable or easy session for her. i finally got to see my doctor later on tuesday. i went in and before he could even say i word, i said look we have two options today. we are either putting my meds back into my system or he needed to admit me to the hospital i knew i had gotten to the point i could no longer keep myself safe. he said he didnt like me off my meds because i was demanding. im like no kidding put yourself in my shoes and lets see how you handle it.i asked him why he did this and although in a way i understand why but there should been a safer way to go about this. his reasoning behind it was because he was not the original doctor who prescribed them and he wanted to make sure i needed them. Really, why the hell do you think im on them?!! i do understand but really should have been safer about it. i am looking for a new psych doctor because im not risking going through this hell again, im just not strong enough. thankfully i am back on them but they are not at the proper doses he had to put me on three of them on a lower dose to start with. one is the nightmare/flashback one. and he said that it will be a few days before i start feeling better. i just am pissed how this went down. other than that, i ahave been struggling with self harm. i feel so alone anymore i dont know maybe i am beyond help and i know for sure i dont deserve it. i feel like all i do is cause more damage even when im trying not to. my mind is still on fast forward. oh well, all i can do is hold on for the ride. i maybe on my own but for now i guess that is how it is meant to be.
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a place to put my thoughts and feelings. a safe place to vent.
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During the last couple months my life has fallen apart and my heart shattered to many times to count. i am just done trying to pick up the pieces its like a puzzle and they wont fit anyway. i used to think i was a good person but i guess that was a lie i told myself to keep going. im coming to the realization that im not a very good person but rather some would say toxic and that hurts to say, but like they say the truth hurts. i dont know where to go from here. i guess realizing the things that i am i am begging to question my behaviors that lead to the assults. example... if i hadnt gotten into my moms cabnet that day maybe the assults from her never would have taken place, i understand yes i was four but i should have known there would be consequences to my actions and although i could never have guessed they would be what they were, i did deserve that punishment. i wanted to look at adult things thus my mother teaches adult things. no i question with the other sexual assults even the most recent. what could i have done different to keep it from happening, did i show an interest, i dont know it just sucks that when all said and done i did this to myself and have NOBODY to blame besides myself. i wanted this entry to mean something and i guess it didnt go where i wanted it to other than continueing to realize the truth of the matter, and yes it is crushing to know that im not a good person in anyway shape or form never have been never will be i will always just be toxic.
Well today is Mother's Day and i have been blessed with two little angel girls. although my eldest pasted away i am still now and always will be her mother. my youngest is growing up so fast. mothers day is a bitter sweet day as for one of my angels in heaven and one with me it makes it a sensitive day. my youngest is at that age where she has a million questions about her big sister because she never got to meet her in person. she wants to see the pictures of her big sister and makes comments like she looks like her. well the questions dont get easier that is for sure. so being mothers day my little one made me a card, well two cards. she said she was sorry it wasnt a true card and i told her the one she made is better than any you could buy from a store and that put a smile on her face, which made me feel so proud of her. so anyways, she handed me the first card and said that it was from her. now mind you she is 13 so not a young child. but it was still sweet. then she handed me the second card and it took my breath away and put me in tears. she signed it love your angels, then signed her sisters name and hers. i was so over whelmed with emotions and i broke down and cried. my daughter patted me on the back and said sorry. i looked at her and told her she did nothing wrong it was beautiful and wonderful and meant the world to me. for me this was a learning lesson. that although we may not all be together in our hearts we are. today was special and i will always remember the kind jesture my daughter did from her heart.
Well, as my last entry said i am still trying to cope with the loss of my brother recently to suicide. i thought things were getting better, needless to say "SHIT" hit the fan. i extremely close to him and i thought we didnt keep secrets from one another, until this happened. I dont know what to think anymore. i still feel so lost. i know its "ok" to grieve but during this process i am finding myself more and more upset not only with myself for seeing the signs but also for him not reaching out. that is how this came to be.
i only check my mail once or twice a month because i really dont get much mail. i went out to get the mail over the weekend and got the mail. i was beyond surprised when i saw a letter from him post marked the week before he took his life. i didnt open it and just sat there and cried. i finally decided to open it and read it. it turns out that my brother didnt just do this out of no where. he wrote in the letter that he wanted me to be strong and understand what happened that pushed him that far.it was all new to me because he never told me things were getting that bad for him and i never asked because everything seemed fine when we talked. its like how stupid could i be its not like ive not been on that same ledge before. that is not an excuse and i know that. i wonder so much if i had gotten that letter earlier if he would still be around. would i still have my best friend would i been able to give him the help and support he needed. i dont know how else to think of it other than this. i let him down i wasnt there for him when he needed me the most. so many nights of tears and memories surround me now. i dont want to get up i just want to lay in bed and hide from the world. such a beautiful soul and kind person has been taken from this world. i have to carry on but right now every time i think i have my feet planted and i can start moving forward something happens and i feel like im taking 2 steps back. the anger is still there and dont know when it will go. but now im even more angry knowing I could help him and i screwed up i wasnt there.
im not exactly sure how to deal with this and i wish i wasnt in the position to do so but i am so i have no choice it happened now i have to find a way to deal with the emotions that come from this.
as i sit here and contemplate if i am going to even try to put words down today. Its like i dont know how to express myself anymore. i feel so lost and so alone anymore. i am still trying to cope with the loss of my brother. this loss has been devestating for me and im having trouble as to where i do go from here. i really only have the support of my therapist, thats my support system, thats a lot of people huh? i cant turn to my parents for help because i put them both behind bars. its not like i had a choice they did what was inappropriate and they have to face the music now. i watch my little girl sit there and wonder did i ever get to be as content as she is as a child. i dont remember even being cared about outside the relationship my brother and i had. and being loved was not in the cards with my mother. i ask myself what or who i would be if i didnt go through the events-traumas that i had to go through. then i realize that those events have helped mold me into the person i am becoming today. so would i change it.. hmm that one is tricky. i guess its kind of 50/50. i wish nothing happened especially the first time with my mother. however that is the single most painful trauma i had to face, but it taught me the kind of mother i wanted to be and learned then and there what being a parent is not.
i was talking to someone i guess will just call a "friend". i was told about a person who downloaded child porn. this hit a nerve but i was going to hear them out. my friend said that this person deserved a second chance because its not like he touched a childed. they then proceeded to tell me that its not that bad also because its not like he committed murder. the was the end i blew up. really??!! in my opinion especially after all i have seen is just beccause you dont touch a child or act on the impulse you are still very much in the wrong. that child went through hell and you download it so you can watch, seriously, come on people. i was then asked cant you just feel empathy and forgive them. i flat said no way in HELL would i ever. i dont get people in the world today they seem to be more and more disgusting.
well almost time to go get kiddo, hope all is well with others.
I have never thought that I would be able to be controlled, cant think of a better word, by someone else, let alone not realize it was taking place. I was so very wrong with this thought. I don't know how many times I sat and seen others go through that and always said I wouldn't let that happen or that would never happen to me. Well....it did!! I have I guess you could say an online support group/system. One day I signed in and someone sent me a picture of a teddy bear saying giving you hugs. I thought it was cute and was down at that time so I made sure to thank the person for that kind gesture. Well, this went on for about two weeks log in new picture. One day this person actually decided to talk, well type, to me. They seemed very caring and supportive. The way it was put to me, was that this person rode in like a knight in shinning armor, I did not see that, I was just greatful for the support. We started talking more and more every day. We talked about random things and some serious things. Then it I guess took a wrong turn and I didn't realize what was going on. They started to give me I guess orders but I took it as just trying to help me. I had to change my profile and set it to private and then was told who to allow to see my profile besides them. I put someone that I had been talking to on it and they totally filipped out and was told to remove and block that person. they kept telling me they were trying to help and protect me and these are the only people that are safe to talk to. One night a lets say "CREEP" messaged me. I became terrified because I was having my life threatened and had no clue what to do to get rid of the person so I could feel safe. I turned to this particular person for help. They in return went to someone else and finally was told how to block him from any further messages. I was really shaken and began to question the people I had turned to and talked to, I felt like I didn't know who was "safe". So, they went and told several people not to talk to me that they were the only one that could help me and in time they even got me believing it, not sure how or why. Well the behavior just kept escalating slowly and I wasn't seeing a problem. Another person did however and immedently took it to the admin. I ended up getting a message from admin. I was scared when I saw who it was from because I thought I had done something wrong. (fun fact you don't tell someone with anxiety that you need them to be calm while reading some.. nope that throws up red flags and am unable to be calm.. not a good idea). I finally opened the email and read it. They had stated that several people were concerned about me and this other person because they seemed to be "controlling" my every move. The admin had done a safety check and became very concerned, I wasn't because I wasn't seeing this happening they were just trying to help me is what I continued to tell myself. Admin wrote down what was going on that was controlling.. even to the point where I asked if I could go to the bathroom or go to bed. I always apologized to them and so much more. They wrote that they needed me to picture a scene that this was going on to someone else and asked if I would tell another person that this behavior was safe and appropriate, and there is NO way on this earth I would tell someone else that it was healthy and ok. Admin asked me to talk with my therapist and get her opinion on if she thought it was healthy or controlling and corecieve and I did. After a lot of rereading the message and a ton of thought I finally decided that I needed to get away from this person. So, admin had offered to let me change my identlty as a whole and continue from there, they don't accept multiple accounts so I figured it was serious enough that I needed to. I made one final post that said I was leaving the site and in essence became a "new" person. I do struggle to think if I made the right choice because I know by me leaving I hurt the other person and that saddens me I don't want to hurt others and I know I can be challenging to work with and they took so much time to I thought help me. it makes me sad because it did happen and had said it never would. I am very disappointed In myself for not seeing the signs. I have ended up having to change profile and stop using my original email account.
I don't know if im trying to say something I think I just wanted to put it out that even if you don't think it couldn't happen to you, it can and this was a huge wake up call for me. I am still tryin to grieve the loss of my brother and cope with the emotions of seeing my daughters graveside for the first time since I buried her. it has taken a toll on me but this to shall pass right?
I find it interesting when you hear anothers person story and it opens your eyes to a whole new world. I recently was given the chance to hear someone elses story and I feel honored that they shared it with me. I have been talking to them for awhile now and they know parts of mine. As I sit here tonight and think back to there story I feel selfish and ungreatful and most of all undeserving. They have been through hell and are going to be losing there home. I have been so consumed with myself I couldn't see his pain. So, I sit here trying to catch my breath with air I don't deserve to be breathing. my pain is from the past and im trying to deal with a challenging past but there are people that are worse off then I could have ever been. there pain is here and now and not in the memories that are of things that have been. I am sorry I am taking space here on this earth, I am sorry I am breathing air that belongs to someone else. I am sorry for being, existing. I think I finally see that maybe what I went through is a good thing? I was meant to learn from me and move on and instead I have held onto the pain all these years. there is nothing that can be done to change the past so why do I waste others time and bring it up. at least I have a roof over my head, food and clothes. my mother is still here and yet I am ungreatful for her because of I guess "mistakes" as she said. ive always been told that people can change and I believe that but I think for me I changed for the bad not the good. ive been told a lot that sometimes you don't know or see the truth til it hits you in the face, well I finally got that awakening. its hard to look inside and find anything good about me anymore. all that I thought was there is gone. maybe it was never there in the first time. I am not a religious person but I do believe in forgiveness. it is not my place to place judgement on others for there wrong doings. I know I have to find it in my "heart" to let go and forgive those such as my "mother" she made mistakes with me but that's because she is human I guess. it scares me to see this and I am deeply ashamed of myself, my actions and behaviors that have lead me to this realization.
As I sit here trying to collect my thoughts, which is like trying to catch a bullet, I find myself struggling on finding the correct words. I have always been better at writing then speaking out loud so right now this is my voice. I still find myself having a difficult time accepting the fact the my brother is gone. I like to think that he is watching over me, giving me strength to carry on. For me right now I guess I have to believe that I still have a part of him with me. I still find myself being so mad at him. At one moment I cursing him and then the next being in tears begging for him to come back to me. I recently updated my status to, "Even Though Your Struggling Does Not Mean Your Failing." This is something my brother would say to me to remind me that it was going to be ok. He helped me know that to hurt is ok but you must find the strength to move on. So, that is what I intend to do not only for him but also for my daughter who needs me to be ok for her. Someone recently asked me "what made you smile today". I actually sat down and gave it some thought. With the losses of people in my life I have one constant, that is my daughter. So, after some thought I looked at them and simply said seeing my daughter smile. I have to be ok, but at the same time deal with the emotions, feel them, and let them go. So now I am slowly starting to pick up the pieces of my life, like a puzzle and try to put it together.
One of the many changes that is currently taking place is saying goodbye to Destiny, my previous therapist, and saying hello to Emily, my new therapist. It took me about a year to open up and trust Destiny. For the last couple months I have let her in and started to work on dealing with the trauma. I knew going in to see this new therapist I wasn't going to hold back, I refuse to start over. I don't have the strength or will power to start at the beginning. So, today was my first appointment with my new therapist. I had been dreading this day since last week. It was another change I didn't want or need in my life right now. I went in today knowing that I was going to be telling them what I need, what I want and need to work on. I actually surprised not only myself but my therapist as well. Instead of going in with my walls up and closed down to accepting any help, I went in with an open mind. Yes, I was on high alert and I had my walls up but not to the extreme. I was in tears before I even got to her office. I went in and sat down. She asked me if I could explain what was making me so emotional, by the way, I hate with a passion crying in front of others. I looked up and said it didn't matter whether I was comfortable or felt safe I couldn't hold it in because that gets me nowhere. I started talking and it seemed like for that whole hour session all I did was be open and honest and just kept talking. I am thinking that I must have really needed to get it out. So at the end of session she thanked me for my honesty and being willing to share and trust her enough to discuss it. I looked at her and said its not about feeling safe or trusting her. For me it was about me. I had to do what was best for me and that is what I did. I tried. So, that went well today which I am so relieved.
Now just because that happened doesn't mean to me that I actually trust her, I trusted myself, which not an easy task. But at the end of the day I can say I did what I NEEDED to do.
I never thought that I would attempt to do my blog again but im doing it in a different way this time, in hopes it can help me deal with the strong emotions and allow myself to feel them as I write. Recently my brother committed suicide by over dose. I also am experiencing loss of my mental health support and many changes are happening. now that we know the place this blog is coming from guess im going to get started.
To my Brother: Why the hell did you leave me to walk through this world alone and with out you. You broke your promise to never leave me you LIED!!! Out of everyone that has hurt me you just fucking out did them all. You have torn my world apart. You are through with your and have just ripped me apart while doing it. I hate you so much right now. why couldn't you reach out I would do anything for you, I would gladly have died for you all you had to do is ask. you took the easy way out and that's not fair. I don't know how to live without you. you took my beatings as a child, you tried to protect me from the bad guys. you were my hero, my best friend, my brother. you did a permitant solution a temporary problem. I know how hard it is to trust and I knw how much pain you had, but I have that to and I didn't take my life even though I have wanted too. I feel more loss. I DONT know how to live without you and I don't want to. you have a niece that even though you only saw her once and watched her grow through pictures I made sure she knew who you were. she adored you, that one special day when I got to see you with her. she is so proud of you and proud of herself for helping you be clean for the 9 months she was in me. I am sorry that you were told you weren't welcome at the birth of her. I wanted you there to experience that with me and I know it hurt you that that happened. now the only way she will know you, my best friend, is through pictures and my memories you took away the chance for her to make sweet memories of you, why did you steal that from her? you were selfish and that's all there is to it. I fucking hate you with every breath in my body. yet at the same time I love you and want you back. I would do anything to have you back, but I know that cant happen. yes I still love you and my heart hurts for you, that it got to the point you thought that was the only option.One day ill be able to forgive you but today isn't that day. I don't want to accept that you are gone. I really do miss you. we had so much fun together. yes there were bad times but there also were good times and that what I want to remember of you. I am so sorry I wasn't there for you. even though this pain is here it will one day ease. for now my dear brother all I can say is this:
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!!