Sometimes when I'm sitting alone, i think of what we may have been if you didn't break me. Would I fall in love with you? Would we still be friends? Would you have been my first, the person I fell hard for and gave it all up to? I know this thinking is dangerous and does nothing but upset me because I will never know. I will never know if your kiss made light up like fireworks in the sky. I will never know if my skin tingled with every touch. I will never know because you didnt give me any choice. You didn't allow me memories. I know all of this is silly, the thinking of a broken little girl who is just trying to justify what was taken from her. I know we weren't meant to be and i know that i never would love you, I know that I wouldn't have given you such an important part of me, but i just want to feel like I have the part of me back. I want to replace what you did with a happy memory, of two kids in love, who can't get enough of each other. I will never be a carefree child again. That was taken from me and shattered into a million small pieces, with parts missing so as not to let me rebuild. The new me is scared and weak more than I am strong. The new me has memories that shadow every laugh, every smile. The laughs are as fake as the shows on TV. The kisses from my boyfriend will never truly make up for the first kiss that I dont remember. That first kiss of poison. The one that started this mess and the one I knew I shouldn't have let you take. As the days go by I know that you will be farther away. One day you'll forget this girl with half of a heart. But I will never forget you. I will always see that gap in your teeth as you're trying to impress me with the silver car and the avocado tattoo. I'll never forget your breath in my ear as you used my friends nickname to break me even more. The shadow of you wiping the blood and the proof off of my legs. I wish the memories were so easy to get rid of. I wish that every cup of wine, every shot of whiskey and every cocktail of medicine was the magic eraser I so desperately seek. I wish that bad memories truly faded as much as the good. Every move I make now is calculated and well researched. Every time I leave the safety of my home I search the crowds for you. I desperately yearn for complete freedom, the type that only comes when you take your last breath. Years may make this pain easier, manageable but not a nightmare I can wake up from. Not the mumblings of insanity. That dark in your eyes will paint my fears for the rest of for forever. The simplicity of hate is awe inspiring. The death wishes are much easier than what I truly yearn for; an acknowledgement of what was done, what you stole and an apology. This won't heal me but I just want to know you feel this like I do. I don't want to be alone in my suffering.
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I never thought you would be the recipient of one of these letters, but as I’ve dealt with all of this, my true feelings are becoming more evident. I blame you for this. I told you he was a bad person, I told you I didn’t want him in my life, in our lives. No one listened. You were all selfish, and after you were even more selfish than I thought possible. Instead of supporting me, you kept him in your life. You talked to him, let him think he had a chance to get in your pants. You took pictures with him and posted them on Snapchat, and when I blocked you, you told me I was being dramatic. You told me how he was messaging you to hookup. I hope to god you never experience this pain, but I blame you. You in no way supported me until it was too late. You are one of the most selfish individuals I’ve ever known. I will never forgive you. I can’t. Every time he came up in conversation, every time I saw his face, I was forced to relive the worst thing to ever happen to me. You didn’t care, you never did. I don’t know if I want to remain friends, because I’m not entirely sure I can ever fully forgive you. You played a part in this, and you refuse to acknowledge that. You still don’t care, you still put yourself first, and I do what I always do, I put all my friends first. Well I’m putting myself first, and you may be one of the first to go. So this may be a goodbye, at least until I figure out if it’s possible to forgive you.
The waves crash against the dock as I watch the sun set. I breathe in the fresh year and think that I finally found my home. My heart has belonged to the lake since I was a baby. I’ve never felt safer at any place in my life. Whenever things get rough, the pictures I worked so hard on bring me back to the ground. The orange-yellow sky as I sit on a bench by the shore. The people walking their dogs or holding hands with significant others fade. The only thing I see is the water, reflecting everything around me. I’m in love. The lake is the strongest love I’ve ever experienced. Every moment I’m not there is wasted. I think about it constantly, the memories of past visits playing in my mind like a movie. My father walking in after a two-hour bike ride, ready to eat the dinner prepared by his parents. The taste of corn on the cob we had nightly still lingers in my mind. Watching the boats pass by with my family, still whole. The day my world fell apart tainted the lake just a little, but nowhere near as tainted as the place I lay my head tonight. Seeing my sister fall, seeing her give up and watching as she puts herself back together leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. His face in my face as he takes everything I never gave him, as he shatters me, colors everything I touch in this dead-end state. His tooth gap haunts every thought. The lake calls as all of this floats in my mind. It calls me every day, asking me to return to its warm embrace. I think of the freedom I will soon feel. I think of the new memories I will make; all the things I’ll accomplish away from the darkness I feel now. I never knew one place could carry so much. I never realized that I could find a forever home, one that I found before I needed it. I feel the water on my feet, as I stand looking out at the mountains, smiling and feeling the weight of the world leaving my shoulders. I have carried so much for so long. It is finally time to feel the lightness I’ve so desperately desired. His hands will never cross my mind again, his knife will no longer twist in my side. The self I lost will always remain lost, but I will finally start over. I will finally rebuild my life, in the place that has been calling. The waves crashing against the dock are the voice bringing me home. It’s time to listen to their call. I’m finally going home.
It’s been two years. Two years of crying at the drop of a hat, two years of wincing anytime I’m touched, two years of fighting to survive. Everyday in those two years I have held back tears when someone looks like you, when I realize what was taken. Two years isn’t a long time, but for me it’s been excruciating. I know your eyes still light up, and I know that you can smile and mean it. Meanwhile, every small smile takes more energy than it should. Every time I laugh, it sounds fake, it feels fake. When I get that moment of calm, not needing to run around to deal with all that keeps me busy, I waste that moment on you. I waste that moment wondering where you are, if you are near me, if you are planning your revenge. I wonder how that crooked smile, that tooth gap and the ridiculous tattoos could ever hide this evil. You got into my head, you made me feel special. You took every part of me I had never given anyone, and instead of keeping me together, you threw everything out the window. You smashed me with your hammer and made sure there was no whole pieces left. Every time I cry, every time I sleep, you are there. You are there making me feel useless, making me feel unremarkable. You are making sure I cannot stand on my own, making sure I can barely stand at all. I may never truly see you again, but you’re there in every man who walks near me, in every person who threatens me. Your reign will never end, your power much stronger than you get credit for. For someone who has no intelligence, you are smart enough to control me, control me from your apartment in another state. I cannot keep tabs on you, you made sure of that but you, you can keep tabs on everything I do, no matter how much I try to hide, no matter how strong I get. You will always have the upper hand. You will always be the reason I cry at night, the reason why my happiness is hanging on by a thread, one you can cut at any time. You hold my entire being in your incapable hands, you stand by ready to destroy me again, ready to break me completely. You wait for me to take my last breath, so you know you did your worst. Some days I want to just give in and give you this satisfaction, others I fight tooth and nail just to avoid the sharp edge of my old friend.