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Gordy

A blog by Gordy in General

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About this blog

Blind stupid persistence.

Entries in this blog

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I got the marriage license for M and E. They were married Sept 1967. She divorced my father June 1967.  I reading that as she was having a affair with E when she was married to my dad. For 67 that would have been a fast courtship. My dad was US Navy and E was a lab tech so I thinking Dad was deployed and E worked at the same hospital M worked at. So a broom closet romance. I wonder how long it took her to regret that decision? The first time E punched her or the first time he mole
Gordy

Gordy

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Scratching at the wall

I have working on trying to remember my childhood for several months now. And  I have barely scratched the surface.   I can do all fairly accurate floor plan of the house we lived in on the first farm, I have a rough idea of  the layout of the buildings on the second farm and a vague idea what they look like  . All I could remember of the last farm is just a barn,the cattle pasture, and the creek running through it .   On the last farm I have some memories of things happening, just chi
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Question answered

She told me she doesn't now and has never had concerns that I was a threat to the childern. That that thought has never crossed her mind. And never will. She was very reassuring about my concerns. I just needed to know.
Gordy

Gordy

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Waiting

My wife and I had a long talk last night about the CSA. I texted her this morning asking if she still trusts me around our mentally handicapped daughter.  Waiting to hear back. It's going to be a long day.
Gordy

Gordy

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Frustrated

So I ordered the records from the school district that I went to school in from the time I was 14 To 18. Took a half hour to fill out the forms, and cost me 25 bucks. All I got was my transcript from Seventh grade. Nothing about the school psychologist they made me see, Nothing about all the IQ And cognitive skills testing they gave me, nothing about the other 3years I was there, just a copy Of my report card from seventh grade. I have to go to a different site To get a copy of my GED. Have
Gordy

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Moving forward

When I was reading yesterday the Pagan college I want to attend contacted me and we discussed their courses. I do need a BA to take their Master of Divinity  course however they have a 15 month course that will get me set up to do counseling.  I also contacted a legitimate online school to see about getting a BA .  I just need to find records from the pre computer days. you know back when monks transcribed everything by candlelight LOL .  I had a bunch of testing done , both in ju
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More random

I heard back from the online college I want to take, they want to schedule a phone interview to discuss how bad my dyslexia is. I spent all day yesterday with this is big knot in my stomach and depressed waiting to hear back from them. Because I just knew they weren't going to want anything to do with me. The little voice in the back of my head is kind of an asshole. And current project I'm working on right now doesn't keep me busy enough not to think about all this. Remembering that I
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TV and memories

So my wife saved me a episode of Law & Order SUV. In it one of the older main characters had to come forward to confront a baseball coach that had molested him when he was child. And halfway through the episode I remembered I played t-ball. It was when we lived at the first house. I'd completely forgotten about it. I don't remember if E was a coach or just one of the overly enthusiastic parents but he was involved in it. I remember one day at school going out to play t-ball and someone
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More Random

I beginning to get a few more flashes of my childhood, I keep drawing up this picture of a barn on a Hill. I think it's from the last farm. I vaguely remember the layout of the second farm we lived on this isn't from there. Its the only mental image  I have of a building from there. I can't for the life of me picture the house, I know I had my own room, I can kinda picture the dresser that was in the room. But I really can't picture the room , It had a lot of books in it . I remember looking out
Gordy

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Blood is thicker than water

My daughter was born in 1990, She has a genetic disorder that causes profound mental handicaps , behavioral problems ,sleep disorders and she's nonverbal . IIRC they include her disorder in the autism spectrum now.  But back then everybody just knew that all mentally handicapped children, except for down syndrome, were crack babies.  We were asked constantly " So what drugs did your wife do when she was pregnant ?". We are asked that by teachers, law-enforcement ,random strangers and w
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Random thoughts

I have believed that God was female since I was about 8. I have a memory of J reading us from the bible in her room. Yes the same room she molested me in. I remember saying " This is all bullshit" and leaving. I don't think they included me in bible study again. I remember going to Sunday school or it's Equivalent. I don't think I went very many times , because I was disruptive . I think we were some from of protestant . Both my Mother and sister converted to Catholicism later in life .  Ev
Gordy

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Courses

So I spent several hours last night digging around looking for online classes for counseling. Some Of them I found you can't take unless you already have a master's degree, which I do not have. Some of them will start you at the beginning but you have to get all the way to a Masters or a PhD. When I fell off that slide in first or second grade and damaged the language centers of my brain that's severely limited my options for higher education. In my early twenties I started g
Gordy

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A voice from my past.

I am starting to do the research on online schooling for counseling .  Like I said before I am a master journeyman  in my trade, I'm a fairly decent carpenter ,  electrician, plumber, and there are very few machines I can not fix. I have a good over view of world history, a excellent knowledge of WW2 and a decent understanding of art and philosophy .  I have made, what I been told, are beautiful pieces of art from stone and metal. I don't think so but then I'm not very objective o
Gordy

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Time to begin

It is doubtful that I am ready to do this, but I'm going to begin looking into taking classes online to become a a counselor. I feel that if I wait until I recover all the memories of what happened to me as a child it'll never get done. I'm not 100% sure if I'll ever recover all the memories I also believe that taking the courses will help me. On a side note, my wife's getting a mommy weekend. Which means she gets a weekend off from our child and gets to go have some fun. And she
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RFI and random memories

I sent away for the marriage certificate, I gave the County clerk a 4 years range since I have no idea when the marriage started. Hopefully I hear back in the next couple of weeks. I called about the transcript of the divorce, it doesn't exist. The court recorder back then would have been a private party hired for the trial and there no way to find out who. Now a few memories I pulled out of the debris field. These all take place after the divorce but before we moved to the southwest.
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Crabapple tree

On one of the Farms we lived on, I believe it was the second, but I'm not a hundred percent sure. We had a crabapple tree. None of us like crab apples, I don't think we ever did anything with the crab apples. But he insisted on buying a ladder tall enough so that we could pick the apples. It was a 12 or 16 foot a frame. I remember me and my brother out there picking these crab apples. He kept trying to talk me into jumping off the top of the ladder and breaking an arm, because if both
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Being touched

I really don't like being touched by surprise. Particularly by men, if I see it coming it doesn't tense me up as much.  last year I was working on a job and I was on an 8-foot ladder, and this one guy every time he'd walk by me he would touch my calf. Now I was really being real good about it, it would tense me up but I didn't say anything. Well then one time he walked by and started squeezing and caressing my calf. And I went off. I climbed up his ass, asked him if we were dating, told him
Gordy

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5

Memories from the 1st farm

Our first farm wasn't very big it was only about 8 acres .  there was a creek running through it and a couple acres of trees , for child as young as I was seem like a forest .  This is where I have the clearest memories of the "Games".  I remember being in my sisters room , all three of us naked on her bed .  We wouldn't have been very old , I believe I was in fourth grade , she was 2.5 years older.. I have a vivid memory of her laying on her back with her legs spread and us using our
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Well that went South fast

My wife after a few stumbles has become very supportive and understanding of me trying to remember. And what it's doing to me psychologically. Right now she's into town about 40 miles away doing grocery shopping. I've been working on a project that requires me to run power tools so I missed a phone call from her. So she just texted "call". Now because of our special needs child we've always had an agreement that if you text you want someone to call you state it's not an emergency. Well
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More memories from the beginning

When I was very young  at the apartments we lived in when E and M first got married. I was maybe 2 or 3 years old. E aftershave got spilled. one of us dumped it down the toilet  .I believe he used aqua Velva aftershave . That's the first time I recall him lining us up naked for interrogation. After much yelling on his part  it was decided I did it. Hell I might've . I was laid across his lap naked and spanked.  I'm getting flashes of other times I was beaten for something .   I th
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Commenting on threads

I find commenting on other people's threads very uncomfortable. One of the reasons I do that it's because as a child I was taught that everything I thought and said was wrong. That I was an idiot who couldn't get anything right. I've remembered after the TBI them getting so frustrated with me because I would have difficulty with spelling. And I remember being told how stupid I was ,what a loser I was, how I was going to be this big gigantic failure. So it's difficult for me to comment on th
Gordy

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Fortress around your heart

As I read stuff on this page and other pages I found that one of the recurring theme of survivors of CSA is that they wall themselves off, that they built walls between themselves and the outside world so they don't get hurt again. I don't think I built a fortress I built a prison. After the rape at 20 and the suicide attempt I quit drinking. And I looked back on all those years of drunken violent rage and I took that broken thing and I locked in the cage. And every time it looked like
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Another ridiculous thing.

I have been in my particular trade for 40 years, I've done every aspect of my particular trade. I am known as a building trades master journeyman, I'm the guy they call to come figure out problems. I'm the one who they send on projects that they think are going to be impossible to get done. I'm currently welding  in a location that is almost impossible to get to. I can either see it or welded I can't do both. The second I flipped my hood down I can no longer get my head in a location where
Gordy

Gordy

6

Missing memories

I mentioned that I got a tent for the last Christmas with E. So that  got me thinking. I don't remember Christmases or birthdays or any special events. I know we had them.  I remember I got the tent for Christmas, I just didn't remember the day. I have a picture of me opening presents when I was about 6 or 7. I just didn't remember. I don't remember birthdays. I know we celebrated it I just don't remember. I also been thinking about behaviors linked to things from my childhood. I am un
Gordy

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Trauma bonding

So I received the divorce decree , it only states in it that E was negligent in his duty to my mother . And the divorce was granted on those grounds . Said nothing about the physical psychological or sexual abuse of us children.  I may call the County Clerk again to see if I can get the transcripts because according to A him and J were allowed to testify apparently I was considered too young . If they still exist     According to A when I found out I wasn't going to live with E I
Gordy

Gordy

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