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Gordy

A blog by Gordy in General

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About this blog

Blind stupid persistence.

Entries in this blog

Being touched

I really don't like being touched by surprise. Particularly by men, if I see it coming it doesn't tense me up as much.  last year I was working on a job and I was on an 8-foot ladder, and this one guy every time he'd walk by me he would touch my calf. Now I was really being real good about it, it would tense me up but I didn't say anything. Well then one time he walked by and started squeezing and caressing my calf. And I went off. I climbed up his ass, asked him if we were dating, told him
Gordy

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5

Another ridiculous thing.

I have been in my particular trade for 40 years, I've done every aspect of my particular trade. I am known as a building trades master journeyman, I'm the guy they call to come figure out problems. I'm the one who they send on projects that they think are going to be impossible to get done. I'm currently welding  in a location that is almost impossible to get to. I can either see it or welded I can't do both. The second I flipped my hood down I can no longer get my head in a location where
Gordy

Gordy

6

2nd session

So I went to my second therapy session , I plan on doing this once a week for at least a year .   we started talking about some to childhood memories and she had me walk her through a couple of them that I told her before about  . and she asked me  what emotions I felt when I recalled these memories . None .   I went though the memory of me walking in the kitchen with that gun to shoot my stepfather . And she asked me "what emotions did you feel when you did that" . There's absolutely
Gordy

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3

Hmm

This is actually turning out to be harder on me psychologically than I initially anticipated.
Gordy

Gordy

4

Blood is thicker than water

My daughter was born in 1990, She has a genetic disorder that causes profound mental handicaps , behavioral problems ,sleep disorders and she's nonverbal . IIRC they include her disorder in the autism spectrum now.  But back then everybody just knew that all mentally handicapped children, except for down syndrome, were crack babies.  We were asked constantly " So what drugs did your wife do when she was pregnant ?". We are asked that by teachers, law-enforcement ,random strangers and w
Gordy

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2

Blind stupid persistence.

I fully intend on continuing this voyage of self discovery.  I am very goal orientated, and my goal is to know, to the best of my ability to remember.  It was decades ago 1 TBI and me trying very hard not to remember. So a lot may just be suspicions and vague impressions. As most know on this page PTSD charges the structure of the brain. And the way it remembers trauma. Some of me trying not to remember all the CSA is they blamed me. And I believed them. That I was just wrong. Tha
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2

Damn it

I keep screwing up and telling my wife some of the things I am starting to remember. Really need to work on that. She doesn't need something else to worry about. She knows the outline of what happened when I was a kid and the rape when I was 20. She really doesn't need the details, so stop it asshole.
Gordy

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4

The Piano Man

As I read more on CSA and CPTSD I see more of the negative behaviors in me. One if them is anxiety attacks. I get overwhelmed, at work it's to many people, to much noise, to much to do and to many demands on my attention. I am fine if I can just focus on the thing I working on but interruptions stress me out. Especially by people who want to be BFF's.  And then there are the Alpha Males who think they need to assert their dominance in every encounter. Fine you're a Alpha now Piss off. So I
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Just FYI

I am very uncomfortable commenting on post by women on this site.for several reasons. 1 most of the women on this site have been raped or abused by men. And I feel that having a male commenting on it would be upsetting. 2 Due to the way society treats male rape victims and it seems that society now views men as inherently wrong I am concerned that I will attacked.I have not seen that here but on other sites I have. 3 I have CTPSD so I feel that everything I do or say has no worth.
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2

Trauma bonding

So I received the divorce decree , it only states in it that E was negligent in his duty to my mother . And the divorce was granted on those grounds . Said nothing about the physical psychological or sexual abuse of us children.  I may call the County Clerk again to see if I can get the transcripts because according to A him and J were allowed to testify apparently I was considered too young . If they still exist     According to A when I found out I wasn't going to live with E I
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1

Random

the other night me and my wife were talking about me getting therapy. And I asked her How are you gonna deal with me when I'm sane. Is she responded with" You're probably going to divorce me".  No, that's not gonna happen. If leaving her and my kids is the only way the therapist thinks I can heal then I will stay crazy. That's not an option.  She and the kids saved my life. There was literally no way the person that married her would of survived this long. Without her and my children t
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Got a call

I got a call from my mother. She called on my sister in laws phone. We talk for about 10 minutes. She seem clear and lucid for some one in their late 70s.   they were giving her an almost lethal dose of diuretic which explains why she was having all the hallucinations and memory problems . I've asked her to give me written permission to be on the Hippa list to check on the medication and treatment they are giving her . She says she will do that .  .  also asked her to put me on the list of
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Ramblings

As I read this site and others and as I do research on CPTSD. I have realized that my entire personality is built around CPTSD. I read about people who after a traumatic event, who are trying to go back to who they were before the experience. There is no "Before" for me. This ,of course, applies to any one who suffered abuse at a young age. Mine started at 3 and a half. The age when children begin to define who they are. And whoever that 3 year old was going to be E destroyed. Wit
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48 hours

I called in an Elder Abuse complaint to the county my brother and mother live in.  I am concerned that based on some of the things she told me when I was allowed to talk to her and the fact that I am not allowed to call the nursing home now and my brother is controlling who she's allowed to speak to and when that she is being abused and neglected.  State law requires them to respond to the complainant within 24 hours, it's been 48 still haven't heard from them.  I called this morn
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Doing something out of anger

I found my stepfather grave on find a grave.com. They ask what do you remember of the person. I am fighting the urge to tell what I remember. Him physically and sexually abusing me from 3 to 11. All that would do is start a shit storm. I can't prove it, all it would do is piss of any member of his family who see it and they would go  the attack to defend him. And attack me. It would just cause problems for my brother who is still close to his family. I am not,I want nothing to do with
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Just wow

Of all the things I thought I would find out on my little journey of discovery finding out that it appears my mom cheated on my dad was not one of them .   I can't think of any other way to interpret the data , Marrying E two months after the divorce from my father leads me to believe that they had a relationship she while was married to my father.   All that pain and misery because she couldn't keep her knees together .   Her always judging my wife because my wife is openly sexua
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still be stonewalled

I called the nursing home four time now. Each time there is a different reason my mom can't come to the phone. She playing bingo. No one available to get her, shift change, and tonite no one to get her. I left my name and # each time no called back. Tomorrow we going to look into getting a land line into her room. And I calling the manger to inform them I will be calling APS agian if I do not here from her by end of day tomorrow. Next is filing a complaint with the board that
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No win scenario

my wife and I talked about what I did earlier ,filing an elder abuse compliant against the nursing home .she says I based on the information I have I did the right thing. that any who loved their mother would do the same. I feel that by not allowing me access to her records and not allowing me to speak to her with out my brother listening make it appear they are hiding something. my brother went on a text rant about it. saying I upset the staff, trying to guilt me for not being there the past ye
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therapy

I have my very first therapy appt Friday. Their still stonewalling me on talking to my mom. So between that, worrying my brother going to file a fake APS report against us. Being removed from the messenger group for update about mom. Trying too not stress my wife out about calling APS on my brother. The memories, thoughts and suspicions of what was done to me as a child that keep floating up. The depression and anxiety of everything that going on I am beginning to doubt I can
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0

quick change

I was having a great day today. This morning I had to set a piece of equipment in the high winds we had today. It turned into a scene from the old Keystone Cops silent films. I starting laughing so hard I can't talk to direct the guy driving the crane. Almost fell off the ladder. I solved a difficult problem on a different site. Every one was impressed. My boss called me to tell me that a project that I have been arguing was a massive time and labor sink got canceled. Then on the
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More memories from the beginning

When I was very young  at the apartments we lived in when E and M first got married. I was maybe 2 or 3 years old. E aftershave got spilled. one of us dumped it down the toilet  .I believe he used aqua Velva aftershave . That's the first time I recall him lining us up naked for interrogation. After much yelling on his part  it was decided I did it. Hell I might've . I was laid across his lap naked and spanked.  I'm getting flashes of other times I was beaten for something .   I th
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Update

APS called , they visited the nursing home and there doesn't appear to be any signs of abuse or neglect. They say that the overmedication problem has been solved and will not happen again . My brother is not my mother's guardian , and even if he was he is not legally allowed to keep me from talking to her .   the nursing home said that they will be installing a landline into my mothers room so that she can call me or I can call her whenever we wish . I called to speak with her this afternoo
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Phone call

Well I talk to my mother this morning . We talked for about 20 minutes . She seemed clear and lucid , she described to me the medication that they were giving to her that caused the hallucinations and confusion . She was able to tell me the dosage of the medication that they were giving her and the correct dosage she was supposed to be taking .   I asked her a question about our genealogy , and she was able to give me answers that coincide with what I already know about our ancestry . 
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still holding it together.

The nursing home finally got the idea that I am allowed to talk to my mother. Just took another phone from APS. I told her I was looking into getting her a phone. Since my brother won't give hers back. She was all excited. Just can't get the phone company to understand just a landline. No internet, no cable just a phone. Lol We don't want her just sitting in her room. She needs to be socializing with other members of the facility. Later on I got an abusive drunken text rant f
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More Random

so I  have been going to the therapist for 4 weeks now, we talked yesterday about working on recovering my lost memories. She thinks that I do have CPTSD but she said that there something else going on beside that. She didn't elaborate on that but I have to work on self care first though.  Apparently treating myself as little more then an animal is not heathy.    I will admit it a little disconcerting to have both my wife and my therapist saying that it surprising I am not a serial killer.
Gordy

Gordy

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