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Gordy

A blog by Gordy

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Blind stupid persistence.

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More Random

so I  have been going to the therapist for 4 weeks now, we talked yesterday about working on recovering my lost memories. She thinks that I do have CPTSD but she said that there something else going on beside that. She didn't elaborate on that but I have to work on self care first though.  Apparently treating myself as little more then an animal is not heathy.    I will admit it a little disconcerting to have both my wife and my therapist saying that it surprising I am not a serial killer.
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2nd session

So I went to my second therapy session , I plan on doing this once a week for at least a year .   we started talking about some to childhood memories and she had me walk her through a couple of them that I told her before about  . and she asked me  what emotions I felt when I recalled these memories . None .   I went though the memory of me walking in the kitchen with that gun to shoot my stepfather . And she asked me "what emotions did you feel when you did that" . There's absolutely
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Therapy

Well, I went to my first therapy session. I think it went well. I going to go once a week for awhile. There was a lot to cover in a short period of time so I think I kind of confused her. Lol. Based on some of the things I told her she seems to think my stepfather was a Pedophile. Which I also believe. Just having these sessions seems to help.      This thing with my mom has me stressed out. We still don't know if they turned the landline on and my brother took the phone
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Random

the other night me and my wife were talking about me getting therapy. And I asked her How are you gonna deal with me when I'm sane. Is she responded with" You're probably going to divorce me".  No, that's not gonna happen. If leaving her and my kids is the only way the therapist thinks I can heal then I will stay crazy. That's not an option.  She and the kids saved my life. There was literally no way the person that married her would of survived this long. Without her and my children t
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Appt canceled

I got a call yesterday that the therapist I scheduled my appt with is not part of my insurance. The office was training a new person and they made a mistake. Since they are out of net work it's $4000 deductible then 50% per appointment. I can't afford that. So looking again. Having that appointment  was really helping me to hold it together this week. Was quite the let down.  
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still holding it together.

The nursing home finally got the idea that I am allowed to talk to my mother. Just took another phone from APS. I told her I was looking into getting her a phone. Since my brother won't give hers back. She was all excited. Just can't get the phone company to understand just a landline. No internet, no cable just a phone. Lol We don't want her just sitting in her room. She needs to be socializing with other members of the facility. Later on I got an abusive drunken text rant f
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therapy

I have my very first therapy appt Friday. Their still stonewalling me on talking to my mom. So between that, worrying my brother going to file a fake APS report against us. Being removed from the messenger group for update about mom. Trying too not stress my wife out about calling APS on my brother. The memories, thoughts and suspicions of what was done to me as a child that keep floating up. The depression and anxiety of everything that going on I am beginning to doubt I can
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still be stonewalled

I called the nursing home four time now. Each time there is a different reason my mom can't come to the phone. She playing bingo. No one available to get her, shift change, and tonite no one to get her. I left my name and # each time no called back. Tomorrow we going to look into getting a land line into her room. And I calling the manger to inform them I will be calling APS agian if I do not here from her by end of day tomorrow. Next is filing a complaint with the board that
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Got a call

I got a call from my mother. She called on my sister in laws phone. We talk for about 10 minutes. She seem clear and lucid for some one in their late 70s.   they were giving her an almost lethal dose of diuretic which explains why she was having all the hallucinations and memory problems . I've asked her to give me written permission to be on the Hippa list to check on the medication and treatment they are giving her . She says she will do that .  .  also asked her to put me on the list of
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Update

APS called , they visited the nursing home and there doesn't appear to be any signs of abuse or neglect. They say that the overmedication problem has been solved and will not happen again . My brother is not my mother's guardian , and even if he was he is not legally allowed to keep me from talking to her .   the nursing home said that they will be installing a landline into my mothers room so that she can call me or I can call her whenever we wish . I called to speak with her this afternoo
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Going to be a long day

I called the state ofice of APS just before close of business yesterday. They called the local office. They only got the receptionist but they were told someone would call me. About a half hour later some called. Was dismissive of my concerns but say they go to the nursing home when they  got a chance. About 10 minutes later the caseworker called. She seem to take my concerns more seriously and told me she would go by today. It almost 11 there still haven't heard any thing. I giving them ti
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48 hours

I called in an Elder Abuse complaint to the county my brother and mother live in.  I am concerned that based on some of the things she told me when I was allowed to talk to her and the fact that I am not allowed to call the nursing home now and my brother is controlling who she's allowed to speak to and when that she is being abused and neglected.  State law requires them to respond to the complainant within 24 hours, it's been 48 still haven't heard from them.  I called this morn
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No win scenario

my wife and I talked about what I did earlier ,filing an elder abuse compliant against the nursing home .she says I based on the information I have I did the right thing. that any who loved their mother would do the same. I feel that by not allowing me access to her records and not allowing me to speak to her with out my brother listening make it appear they are hiding something. my brother went on a text rant about it. saying I upset the staff, trying to guilt me for not being there the past ye
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called it in

Called APS. My wife wouldn't say yes or no.  I hate no win scenarios. Now we wait to see if there is backlash.
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sorry mom

I been calling the nursing home my mom in trying to get on the HIPPA list of people who are allow to know about her care. They refuse to call me back. They called my brother. He and I texted back and forth about it. According to him I am not allowed call the nursing home. He will tell me what he thinks I need to know. His way or the highway. So I out of the family agian. I could So hear my stepfather in that. E always said it's the the right way the wrong way and his way. I don't
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It official

I can no longer treat this as an intellectual exercise. The headache is almost debilitating, I am nauseous, I constantly on the verge of tears. I have a mix of anxiety and depression. My entire body aches. I have mental confusion, my concentration is shit and I have no energy.   And tomorrow morning I have to go to work and run a 6 man crew. 
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cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war

I just got off the phone with the nursing home that my brother has my mother in. I'm taking steps necessary for me to become more deeply involved in her medical treatment  .   He's lying to me , he's lying to her . Both of us raised by E . I don't trust anyone was raised by that man. And yes that includes me.  .This will probably start a fight between me and him . This will not be the first war I fought and it probably won't be the last.    While I only have remnants of love
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Phone call

Well I talk to my mother this morning . We talked for about 20 minutes . She seemed clear and lucid , she described to me the medication that they were giving to her that caused the hallucinations and confusion . She was able to tell me the dosage of the medication that they were giving her and the correct dosage she was supposed to be taking .   I asked her a question about our genealogy , and she was able to give me answers that coincide with what I already know about our ancestry . 
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more random

My brother has returned my mother to the nursing home she been in the past couple of years. He taken away her phone and she only allow to call people on his phone while he is in the room. This makes me uncomfortable.  while I have issues with my mother I don't like the fact that he's isolating her from everyone. I also have trust issues with my brother, a few memories of come up that lead me to believe trusting my Big Brother's a bad idea.   when I asked him about the time frame of when I g
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The Piano Man

As I read more on CSA and CPTSD I see more of the negative behaviors in me. One if them is anxiety attacks. I get overwhelmed, at work it's to many people, to much noise, to much to do and to many demands on my attention. I am fine if I can just focus on the thing I working on but interruptions stress me out. Especially by people who want to be BFF's.  And then there are the Alpha Males who think they need to assert their dominance in every encounter. Fine you're a Alpha now Piss off. So I
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Ramblings

As I read this site and others and as I do research on CPTSD. I have realized that my entire personality is built around CPTSD. I read about people who after a traumatic event, who are trying to go back to who they were before the experience. There is no "Before" for me. This ,of course, applies to any one who suffered abuse at a young age. Mine started at 3 and a half. The age when children begin to define who they are. And whoever that 3 year old was going to be E destroyed. Wit
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quick change

I was having a great day today. This morning I had to set a piece of equipment in the high winds we had today. It turned into a scene from the old Keystone Cops silent films. I starting laughing so hard I can't talk to direct the guy driving the crane. Almost fell off the ladder. I solved a difficult problem on a different site. Every one was impressed. My boss called me to tell me that a project that I have been arguing was a massive time and labor sink got canceled. Then on the
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Doing something out of anger

I found my stepfather grave on find a grave.com. They ask what do you remember of the person. I am fighting the urge to tell what I remember. Him physically and sexually abusing me from 3 to 11. All that would do is start a shit storm. I can't prove it, all it would do is piss of any member of his family who see it and they would go  the attack to defend him. And attack me. It would just cause problems for my brother who is still close to his family. I am not,I want nothing to do with
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Just wow

Of all the things I thought I would find out on my little journey of discovery finding out that it appears my mom cheated on my dad was not one of them .   I can't think of any other way to interpret the data , Marrying E two months after the divorce from my father leads me to believe that they had a relationship she while was married to my father.   All that pain and misery because she couldn't keep her knees together .   Her always judging my wife because my wife is openly sexua
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