Gordy

I really don't like being touched by surprise. Particularly by men, if I see it coming it doesn't tense me up as much.

 last year I was working on a job and I was on an 8-foot ladder, and this one guy every time he'd walk by me he would touch my calf. Now I was really being real good about it, it would tense me up but I didn't say anything. Well then one time he walked by and started squeezing and caressing my calf. And I went off. I climbed up his ass, asked him if we were dating, told him only two people in the world were allowed to touch me one is a woman that changed my diapers and one is the woman I'm having sex with don't f****** touch me. Damn near brought him to tears. Wouldn't talk to me or look at me for the rest of the project.

Now I felt kind of bad about that, so I've been being really good about not saying anything when people touch me.

But this morning one of the guys went by that the old tap you on the left shoulder so you look that way so they can laugh at you trick. I believe my stepfather would do that  so you wouldn't see the punch coming . So I very politely told him I don't like being touched so please don't touch me.

Now he's kind of avoiding me. And I'm waiting for him to ask me why. I don't feel I need to explain it, I feel that all he needs to know is I don't like being touched, so don't.

Since I started trying to remember, I've noticed my hyper-vigilance just kicked up a notch or two. My anxiety levels are higher and I'm having trouble staying focused on tasks. I'm forgetting things and there's some mental confusion. I'm also having trouble making decisions, because I'm trying to work out all possible outcomes. Which of course is impossible.

I'm beginning to wonder how much longer I can treat this as an intellectual exercise, and when I'm going to start showing severe psychological issues over it. Which I'm pretty sure is coming.

Our first farm wasn't very big it was only about 8 acres .  there was a creek running through it and a couple acres of trees , for child as young as I was seem like a forest . 

This is where I have the clearest memories of the "Games". 

I remember being in my sisters room , all three of us naked on her bed .  We wouldn't have been very old , I believe I was in fourth grade , she was 2.5 years older.. I have a vivid memory of her laying on her back with her legs spread and us using our hands to rub each other . And rubbing up against each other. This is when she said the thing about us peeing in her.It was very bright so I think the curtains were open. Again I think she started playing with us so E could watch.

The creek that ran though the farm had cut a ravine , it wasn't very deep , but the sides were above our heads. I remember the three of us going out there , and her saying that we could hypnotize her and she do anything we wanted . I remember all three of us naked down there , playing with each other and rubbing against each other . The first vagina I kissed with my sisters , and the first female who took my penis in her mouth was my sister . And yes me and my brother also played with each other . I think we moved the games outside so E  could get a clearer view.

 Later on we built a lean to  out of  brush , I believe the games continued in there even though I have no clear memory of it. 

We couldn't see out but if someone wanted to they could see in. With out us knowing they were there.

 I remember I found an abandoned animal den, I would worm my way in to hide. I have no idea what animal made it but it was large enough for a 4th grader. It was a dank smelly nasty borrow in a pile of dead trees and brush. But nobody know where I was.

 There was a family that lived next to us that also had kids about our age . They would come over and play and then one day they didn't anymore . They were very religious.  I have the suspicion that J tried to include the older daughter in the games and the parents found out and forbid them to come over . I just have this fuzzy picture of two naked girls in that lean too . I remember being told that we hated the mother and father.  That they were religious freaks and we needed to stay away from them . 

 Again we were highly sexualized for children of that age . Me and my brother had G.I. Joe's and my sister had barbies. We would play G.I. Joe on liberty with them where we have the dolls do sex acts.

 Like I said this was the early 70s , media wasn't as openly sexual then as it is now . So we got these ideas from what was being done to us . 

 I don't think we were there very long , long enough to grow and  bale hay. But then I'm not sure, I only remember the summer there . I remember loading the steers and pigs on to a truck to take them to the slaughterhouse . That may have been while we were moving to the second farm .  I remember E being abusive and violent because we weren't doing it right . 

this is all took place in the northern Midwest, so there would of been snow and cold. I don't remember winters , only flashes.

 As is my habit when confronted with a problem , I do research  . Let's collect as much information as possible about the problem we're trying to solve and see how we can apply it to the problem .

 It appears that not only was I trauma bonded to E, I also have trauma amnesia .  I may never fully recover the memories of the abuse . It may only be vague impressions, suspicions and just brief flashes. 

My wife after a few stumbles has become very supportive and understanding of me trying to remember. And what it's doing to me psychologically.

Right now she's into town about 40 miles away doing grocery shopping. I've been working on a project that requires me to run power tools so I missed a phone call from her. So she just texted "call".

Now because of our special needs child we've always had an agreement that if you text you want someone to call you state it's not an emergency. Well she forgot to tell me it wasn't an emergency. Probably because I'm at home  with our kid . So I called she didn't answer. So I just kept hitting redial over and over with no answer about a dozen times. I forget her phone doesn't ring anymore only vibrates. So she didn't hear it.So I thought there was an emergency.

That threw me into a full-blown panic attack. I don't think I've ever had one this bad. So I called the Sheriff's Department to have them go to where she was at and check on her. She called while I was on hold everything's fine.

She feels really bad that she did that. Apparently this is having a more adverse effect on me psychologically then I would like to believe.

But while working on the project I remembered I was in the Boy Scouts, I think just a year, E was a scout master. I remember him in the uniform. I remember the den mother, she was nice.

That would have been at the first house we lived at, once we move to the first Farm there wasn't time for that. Or they caught on to the fact that E was an abusive child molesting POS, and kicked him out.

Memories are starting to come back, right now it's just normal stuff. But I have a feeling that if I start remembering the bad stuff this is probably going to get a lot rougher. It may get rougher even if I never have clear memories of the badshit. What I do remember tells me it was bad.

When I was very young  at the apartments we lived in when E and M first got married. I was maybe 2 or 3 years old. E aftershave got spilled. one of us dumped it down the toilet  .I believe he used aqua Velva aftershave . That's the first time I recall him lining us up naked for interrogation.

After much yelling on his part  it was decided I did it. Hell I might've . I was laid across his lap naked and spanked.

 I'm getting flashes of other times I was beaten for something . 

 I think that's when I started being blamed for everything that us kids did to anger him, because I was so small he would just use his open hand on me . Fists and  the belt would come later . As I got older and the level of violence increased it was just the way we did things . 

  my wife went and bought a container of Aqua Vega aftershave, smell is a good way to recall memories . I had it for about a month now and I will admit I am a little concerned of what will happen when I smell it . 

 I have a memory of him either pushing M or punching her and knocking her down the stairs. She hit the wall so hard she put her head through it . these were apartments that were built previous to 1968 , so it wouldn't have been sheet rock. It would have been Lathe and plaster. That's considerably more solid then sheet rock. She's had multiple back surgeries since then . I remember from the first house her being in a full body cast . I can't help but wonder this is when the back problems started . 

 I've always had the impression that my introduction into human sexuality was I caught the two of them having sex and he made me stand there and watch . I believe more then once. One of my "kinks" is watching people have sex. Not voyeurism but being in the same room and them aware I am there. But that also could be because of the Games. 

 I remember me and my brother playing outside after dark , and him telling me to start looking at the apartments across the way so we could watch people having sex through the windows.

 Like I said I was very young I hadn't started Kindergarten yet , I don't believe he started kindergarten. This was the late 1960s . I believe that it would be unusual for children this young at ,that time, to be aware of sex. 

I remember the 3 of us bathing together.

 We were highly sexualized as children, I remember during one of the games on our first farm J said that we couldn't put our penises in her because she was worried we would pee and get her pregnant. I would have been 7 or 8. This was way before sex education at schools. I don't remember the birds and the bees talk but we were aware ,vaguely, of how babies were made.

I did manage to recall a holiday, I remember getting lost on Halloween when we were out trick or treating. There's no real emotion attached to that memory ,  I remember later in the marriage when he would go on one of his rages or start pounding on me, I would pick a spot just pass his head and stare at it . I believe that even that young I was starting to disassociate with what was going on around me 

 I'm getting flashes of mundane things too. Getting the old school bowl haircut. Playing. Things like that.

 I don't remember the move from the apartments to the first house . there are still great big chunks of my childhood missing but I'm working on it .

I find commenting on other people's threads very uncomfortable. One of the reasons I do that it's because as a child I was taught that everything I thought and said was wrong. That I was an idiot who couldn't get anything right.

I've remembered after the TBI them getting so frustrated with me because I would have difficulty with spelling. And I remember being told how stupid I was ,what a loser I was, how I was going to be this big gigantic failure. So it's difficult for me to comment on the threads

Of course I suffered severe brain trauma, and I'm being told now I was in a coma from 3 to 7 - days. But of course according to them that was just an excuse  I was just lazy and stupid.

But I'm forcing myself to do it, even though I find it very uncomfortable and it causes me anxiety. Because in order to do what I want to do I have to be able help people.

So please forgive me if I'm clumsy at it, if I inadvertently say the wrong thing or it's not coming across the way I intended. I'm doing the best I can with my severely limited social skills.

And to elaborate on my last post about being a violent drunk, no I never cross the line and hurt a woman or a child. I've never struck my wife in anger or struck my children in anger. And I definitely have never forced sex on a woman or a child. I decided early in the game that if I ever did that my next act would be to eat a bullet.

As I read stuff on this page and other pages I found that one of the recurring theme of survivors of CSA is that they wall themselves off, that they built walls between themselves and the outside world so they don't get hurt again.

I don't think I built a fortress I built a prison.

After the rape at 20 and the suicide attempt I quit drinking. And I looked back on all those years of drunken violent rage and I took that broken thing and I locked in the cage. And every time it looked like it was going to escape I would just put up another wall, another set of bars, more razor wire entanglements. I simply could not let that thing out.

I was so scared that it would get out and hurt those that I love.

I think that that maybe one of the reasons why I'm having such a hard time remembering, as I spent decades looking for signs that it was going to get out, and telling myself don't think ,that don't do that.

I wasn't scared of letting other people in and getting hurt, I was scared of letting me out and hurting them.

I'm not saying that this was better or worse it's just the way I did it.

I have been in my particular trade for 40 years, I've done every aspect of my particular trade. I am known as a building trades master journeyman, I'm the guy they call to come figure out problems. I'm the one who they send on projects that they think are going to be impossible to get done.

I'm currently welding  in a location that is almost impossible to get to. I can either see it or welded I can't do both. The second I flipped my hood down I can no longer get my head in a location where I can see. So I'm having a hard time running a good bead.

I have a guy working with me, he is my fire watch. His job is to make sure that I don't set anything on fire while I'm welding. He's a first-year Apprentice who's never welded anything in his life. And I am stressed out that he's sitting there judging me on my welding skills.

What I'm working on is just this side of impossible and here I am worrying that this first-year Apprentice thinks I don't know what I'm doing. He doesn't know enough to judge if I know what I'm doing or not, but I'm all worried about it.

Couple that with I'm in the dark room by myself with an adult male, I'm in vulnerable position and my face is covered and I can't see. Yeah a little bit of anxiety there.

And if need be I could break this guy in half. Doesn't matter. Still stressing.

And since I decided to start working on this I realized that I've always done that, I'm always worried if the homeless guy we hired from the Home Depot parking lot as a day laborer is judging me on my performance.

And that's just ridiculous

I mentioned that I got a tent for the last Christmas with E. So that  got me thinking. I don't remember Christmases or birthdays or any special events. I know we had them. 

I remember I got the tent for Christmas, I just didn't remember the day. I have a picture of me opening presents when I was about 6 or 7. I just didn't remember. I don't remember birthdays. I know we celebrated it I just don't remember.

I also been thinking about behaviors linked to things from my childhood. I am uncomfortable when people do me favors or eating other peoples food.

I almost invariably turn down food when when people offer. Even at company meetings, or parties. I think I am worried that there is a price attached. That might just be me not trusting people or it could be a price was paid when I was younger and I just don't remember.

I remember E being all " this is my house, this is my food, you're mine you owe me" I wonder how I paid that debt?

So I received the divorce decree , it only states in it that E was negligent in his duty to my mother . And the divorce was granted on those grounds . Said nothing about the physical psychological or sexual abuse of us children.

 I may call the County Clerk again to see if I can get the transcripts because according to A him and J were allowed to testify apparently I was considered too young . If they still exist 

 According to A when I found out I wasn't going to live with E I cried for a week . He said they couldn't understand why because we all wanted that son  of the bit*h dead. 

I believe I was trauma bonded to E. I don't have a date when E and M got married. And A can't remember. I know I was very young  a year maybe two. I'm going to try to get a copy of of the marriage certificate this week.

 So my entire childhood from one to two years old to 12 or so was spent with me being told that E was my daddy and I was supposed to love him. 

 He was the central figure in my childhood , what few memories I have of my childhood and what I'm slowly  recovering he is in more of them than my mother .

 You can take a dog , you can beat it , you can starve it and you can neglect it and it'll still lick your hand when you reach out to Pet it .   And that's what I was,a badly abused animal . So it's really not surprising but I would have Trauma bonded with E.

 I'm wondering if that's why don't remember the year so after he left , because of my psychological state it would've been very traumatic for me to have him leave . Even though I tried to kill him . 

 Couple that with the TBi I have ,the  psychological problems from the physical and I'm beginning to believe sexual abuse , and incest  it's no wonder I was insane for the rest of my teens . 

 And my mother , the highly skilled and highly trained medical professional , I guess decided I would just get over it . Yeah that didn't happen . 

 I was self-destructive emotionally unstable violent alcoholic . At 13 . I should've been in therapy from the time the marriage ended until I joined the military . I would respond to any stress with either violence or tears . But that would've required airing our dirty laundry in public and that something my mother was very opposed to.

  eventually I quit responding with tears and just stuck with violence and anger.

 When my mother remarried my real father , I remember relatively early in that he slapped me for something . Only time he did that . He came back in to my room a little later  he found me sitting there with a loaded rifle on my lap. No I'm not going to somebody's punching bag again.

 I don't think my mother ever told W exactly what went on so I don't think he ever really understood what was wrong with me , only something was .

 As for M A and J , they treated me either with either laughter or contempt. Like I mentioned earlier in this blog I believe they thought I had absolutely no future so why bother . And they blamed me for the incest even though I was the youngest . I was the pervert not E and not them . 

 So to any one was reading this, for if you can't figure out why you stayed in a abusive relationship for so long , or why you can't seem to get out of it it could be trauma bonding . It's a very real thing . 

As I mentioned I told my brother that I was trying to remember, and ever since then I've been sitting here worrying about how my family is going to punish me for this.

I was the nerd Avenger in school, punch a nerd I'd punch you. I once got in a fight with the entire defensive line of my high School football team because I got to a guy kicked off the team because he punched a nerd in class and I climbed all over him.

I was once in an armed standoff with law enforcement, over the harassment of us because of our mentally handicapped child. I only got away with that because we were pressing a tyranny under the color of law suit against the local police department. But that's a completely different story and it involved Federal DOJ civil rights lawyers.

When I was in the military once corrected a colonel on the military stance on homosexuals in the military. I was an E 3.This was before don't ask don't tell. The entire room went quiet and they proceeded on like I didn't say anything. It was so far out of their concept of reality they couldn't process it. LOL

And in the back of my head is that damaged little boy worried that I'll be punished for not doing what they want me to do. And it's just freaking ridiculous

On the first farm we lived on I remember bailing hay. We were riding back to the barn on top of the hay wagon. The load collapsed and we fell off the wagon. I broke my feet in two places. I had to help reload the wagon and partially stack it in the barn before E would let M take me to the hospital. I really wasn't much help , I was an 8 or 9-year-old boy with a broken foot . But he felt he needed to toughen me up . 

I remember at the first house we lived at he would line the 3 of us naked from the waist down , yell while snapping his belt till he decided with one to punish. Usually me. I don't think he beat on J much, he was doing other things to her.

I don't recall how long the naked line ups went on.

When I talked to my brother the other night he told E beat on me more then the others because I was an instigator . So I guess it was alright then because if I just kept my mouth shut it won't  have been as bad . 

 I remembered three times that I instigated things, I have already spoken about when he tried to drown me .

 On the first farm , he would line us up in the kitchen again naked from the waist down . One time he was screaming at us and told us that he wasn't our real father , use degrading language to describe us and then demanded that we call him by Mr. His Surname. So I did . He was displeased and that earn me a beating 

 Another time he had us lined up , screaming at us he told us not to Breath without his permission . So I raise my hand , he was like what , and I asked "can I Breath now " yup that was a beating.

I like to think I was doing it to draw attention away from them.

 If it wasn't a surprise backhand or a punch to the face , his preferred method of punishment was to bend me over naked on his lap and beat on me with a leather belt. He would always say" this hurts me more than it hurt you " I have a vague recollection , of him at least once, rubbing the welts with the palm of his hand in a soothing manner . Telling me he was only doing it for my own good. I can't help but feel that by doing that he was sexualizing the act.

I remember I had nightmares as a child , of an adult man coming in to a darkened room to do bad things to me , I think they were nightmares , they may be memory fragments . 

I still don't remember much from the second farm, and very little from the last farm and the house we lived in after E left.

I may repeat myself on this blog , as the longer it gets I may forget about what I've already spoken about . The timeline and events may change as the memories become clearer. I'm also beginning to realize that I have very few memories with my mother in them most of them are of E or us kids 

 I'm trying to maintain a clinical detachment for these memories , yeah that's not working . 

Since I talked to my brother I had a few more flashes come out.

We lived in a house, I believe it was the 2nd farm, that had a basement with a real low ceiling. I was probably only 7 or 8 and my head just barely cleared the joists.

I liked playing down because E don't like going down there becuase it was so low. 

Because I was down there alone I think just me and him were home. I remember him angrily yelling for me to come up. I remember seeing him at the top of the stairs outlined by the brighter light behind him and I remember fear.

I remember we were visiting M parents in a different state. And my sister and a different girl were putting on a lesbian show for us boys. I can't remember the time frame.I think she was 12/14 E wouldn't have been there so I guess by now it was how we played together.

I remember us taking bathes together. At the first house. Washing each other, with E in the room. That would make me about 4 or 5 A 5 or 6 and J 7 or 8. 

I remember at the 1st house we have a fort built out of sheets on the clothes line in the back yard. An adult would of had to build it as we were to small. we were playing I show you mine if you show me yours. I think with the neighbor kids. I walked out, for whatever reason and caught E standing there. He was so angry. I, believe now because I caught him peeping.

I think we weren't allowed to play with these kids after awhile. I remember their father telling us to go home because J took her shirt off. He was uncomfortable with that. 

I really don't remember having friends other then E nephews after that. I had school friends but I don't remember going to their house or them coming to ours.

I do remember going to spend the to night at a friend's house once. But I can't recall ever doing it again. 

I mentioned on a thread that we had an abandoned heating oil tank in a basement at a house we lived at. Every time I smell the smell of heating oil I think sex.

It was the house we lived in town after E left. M worked nights and A and J were in Hi school so that the place they would have the keggars. They like getting the little 13/14 psychotic boy drunk and watching him go insane. At that time all I wanted to do was drink or die. I remember being in the basement with my brother. But not what happened or why we were down there. So I have to wonder if the games continued after E left.

On the net I come across a series of pictures of male rape victims holding up sign of thing their rapist said to them.

One of the sign said" All brother do this, it's called practicing" that  freaked me out. What can't I remember and just had bad was it?

1. sorry if I am blogging to much. I not a real big sharer in the real world but this seems like here I just talking to myself. Which I do a lot .lol

2.After reading some of the stories here I cannot help but feel I got off light. I know that pretty standard but I am having a not quite human day. Which is kind of my default mode.

And 3. Yesterday when I talked to A he said that after the divorce was granted I cried for a week because I didn't go live with E.

I don't remember the time around the divorce. The whole time frame is missing. So I have no memories of it. But it doesn't feel wrong so I believe him. It's called trauma bonding. And is fairly common amongst long term abuse survivors.

So last night After I blogged A called. We're probably on the phone 30-40 minutes.

Most of it was him trying to talk me out of trying to remember. Him saying you know I'll help you remember cuz you know I remember all of it but I don't see why you're doing this.

Some of it was him defending E. You know he was just trying to toughen us up and you have to remember he was beat on as a kid too.

Then he said" it's not like he molested us"

And I responded with" that's b******* we've always agreed that he was having sex with J and she passed it on to us"

He glossed over that and went back to trying to talk me out of remembering.

So I explain to him why I want to do this. A while back I became an ordained minister (pagan). I want to help survivors of child abuse rape and incest. And I can't do that if when they're speaking of something that happened to them I'm emotionally flashing back to what happened to me. In order for me to do what I want to do I have to go through this.

So then he started talking about well you know we're old and probably going to die soon why bother. Well that's not the point.

Now I may never be a place mentally where I can do what I want to do. This blog is the first step of me putting myself out there to do that. I can't help people until I can trust people, and I can't trust people until I deal with what happened to me as a child.

Now he just kept saying he remembers everything. But then I talked about a couple memories I had that he doesn't remember. And since he doesn't remember it it didn't happen. I got the town of the apartments we lived in when I was 2 wrong, and his attitude was since you got that wrong everything you remember is wrong.

I think he called just to see if I remembered the "games," and now he knows I do. What few memories he wanted to talk about were just the funny ones. Me being a smart-ass to E and getting beat for it. 

And non traumatic memories. I really don't feel that I can trust much of what he tells me about the traumatic stuff. I think he's going to try to convince me that everything I remember is wrong.

He says he remembers everything, and then he says he doesn't want to remember anything. Which is fine, I can respect that decision. I understand why somebody would not want to slog through all of it again. That's his call, what he feels is best for him. But what I feel is best for me is remembering and working through the issues.

So I'm going to take everything he tells me with a grain of salt,  but the second he starts telling me that my memories of the games are wrong or my memories of me and E alone are wrong the conversations done.

I texted A today about any records or pictures of me he had from my mom's stuff he had stored at his house. 

We had a brief phone conversation.

He is trying to talk me out of remembering. 

But he said some stuff that unlocked a few of the boxes in my head.

I thought I was 12 when I picked up that gun. Turns out I might of been 10 or 11.

We lived at the last farm for a year or so longer after E left. We didn't move to town till after the divorce was finalized.

After we talked I had a few memories of that time. Nothing horrible just stuff.

Me playing alone. My childhood friends were E nephews. I wasn't very popular with them after I tried to shoot their uncle. 

I guess my grandparents lived with us there for awhile. I don't remember that.

And I have the timeline if a couple of incidents wrong. They happen at the 2nd farm not the last.

From what he said I guess the divorce went on for a while both A and J testified at the hearing. The court decided I was to young.

I don't remember any of this.

He did say that I was E favorite punching bag, maybe because I fought back. With just words of course, he had 100 or so lbs on me and 12inch or so of reach. 

He keep texting trying to get me to drop it.

I think he is scared of what I remember. I told I remembered things I wasn't going to discuss with him.

And just in case he finds this, Yes I remember the Gamed you and J played with me. I just don't remember how long we played then and what you 2 did to me as you and I got older. But I do have suspicions.

But I don't blame either one you and I have forgiven both you years ago. But I also don't blame me. And I forgiven my self for all the insanity in me it caused.

when I got home I decided to tell my wife about talking to my bother. She was very supportive .

So yesterday I called my wife during my lunch break. And during phone conversation she brings up something that just irritates her about the difference between men and women how we view things.

And because I was having the thoughts about this idea of E making. Kiddy p*** movies starring me and my brother and sister I told her I really don't want to talk about this right now.

So when I got home now I apologize to her for being a little snippy with her on the phone.  I told her that I was just thinking about some things that that were really bothering me.

And then I screwed up and told her about the movies and about the belief that he had me physically do things to him. And she was like you made me mad we need to talk about that.

And I lost my temper, I said just once could I bring up an issue I have and not make it about you. That really made her mad and I had to spend the rest of the evening soothing her feelings.

I know she wants to help me through this, she told me she wants to help me through this.

But the bulk of our marriage has been dealing with our special needs child and her mental illness. She simply can't make the switch of it not being about her.

And I really don't blame her, I'm not mad at her about not being able to switch over to dealing with these issues that I'm having. Because for the past twenty-eight years we've only been focusing on the two of them.

She wants to help she just doesn't know how. Because she's never had to before. In order for me to help her deal with her issues I had to seem Unbreakable. And I think it bothers her I'm broken.

Plus I don't think she wants to have to deal with how emotionally and physically abusive she was towards me at the height of her mental illness.

So the quote the song" I have become cumbersome to my girl"

Don't get me wrong I love this woman, and I made the decision earlier in the marriage that I would help her through this. I knew the woman that I loved was still in there, she really didn't start showing signs of bipolar and until after she got pregnant and her mother died. All I needed to do was help her find herself again.

I read a s*** ton of psychology books and one of them said that people who are bipolar manic depressive as they get older they no longer have the energy themaintain the insanity. So I knew all I needed to do was bunker in and out last her, and I did.

In a brief aside, when we first got married I told her to never use the sentence "if you love me you'd it "in a serious manner.

For some reason I truly dislike that sentence, I wonder how many times it was said to me when I was a child to get me to do something I really didn't want to do.

A While back my brother posted this cute little video us when we were kids.

It was from the farm where I have the most memories of the "games"

My stepfather took it, he had one of those little wind up camera where you make could a little 1minute-or 2 minute home movie. I Remember we had a projector and he had these little five minute movies of the Marx Brothers The Three Stooges and Little Rascals that every now and then we'd have a movie night and watch.

The uncomfortable thought I had was he filming  the "games " and when he left how many films of the " games" did he take with him?. He had his own lab so setting up a darkroom wouldn't been all that hard for him.

I actually find that thought more troublesome then the belief that at some point in time he had sex with me.

I fully intend on continuing this voyage of self discovery.  I am very goal orientated, and my goal is to know, to the best of my ability to remember. 

It was decades ago 1 TBI and me trying very hard not to remember. So a lot may just be suspicions and vague impressions.

As most know on this page PTSD charges the structure of the brain. And the way it remembers trauma.

Some of me trying not to remember all the CSA is they blamed me. And I believed them. That I was just wrong. That I was a thing that should be grateful they tolerate me. Yes I know that's a symptom of PTSD. Then I didn't know that. And they took full advantage of that.

From the time the marriage ended till my final suicide attempt after the gangrape, I was a violent self destructive alcoholic. Think of all the worst symptoms of PTSD mix it with Jack Daniels. 

I can't ask my Mother because she is 77, had several Strokes She was highly trained medical professional and now simple medical terms are hard for her to pronounce. Why put her though it.

My sister is a narcissist, a drug addict and a petty Thief who stole all my mother's money after she started to get sick. I will never speak to her again.

And my brother will lie. 

TW

If it turns out that I was E cumdump then so be it. I suspect that after my brother was physically able to I was his. Till one of E nephews got a license then all of them stopped interacting with me. They feed me and give me the bare minimum of care necessary to keep me alive. I scared them.

This is actually turning out to be harder on me psychologically than I initially anticipated.

I have an end date. 

The divorce was granted an April of 1977.

That means between the time I got the tent for Christmas and me walking into that kitchen with that gun was just a matter of weeks. It seems much longer.

The nice lady from County records of the county I grew up in is sending me a copy of the divorce decree. Hopefully I'll have that in a few days.

My wife knows that I want to see these divorce papers she just doesn't understand what I'm trying to accomplish with it. I'm not 100% sure why I want  to see them either ,I just do.

The more I dig the more I remember . I don't know if that's a good thing or bad thing .

 On the last farm we lived on I remember one time he came home late from work and we'd already started eating dinner . He  went into one of his rages , he forced us to eat everything on the table . He made us eat ourselves sick because we dare not wait for him .

 I remember M had a calendar on the wall where she would mark off the number of days that he didn't speak to us.

  I remember M having to work nights at that time , and I remember him play wrestling with us with us just  in our  underwear .

 I remember my sister being in a training bra . I believe the "games" were still going on , I have this brief flash of my sister standing there starting to grow pubic hair. Not 100% sure if this is from this timeframe or earlier . 

 I finally had my own bedroom , it was at the top of the stairs .  there was a six drawer dresser in my room . And we had it set up so that I could push it out and block the stairs .  I was told by M A and J that it was my job, when he went into one of his rages, to defend the top of the stairs .  so that they could escape  though my sister's bedroom window . 

 I had a bunch of Improvise weapons hidden in my room .  E had his own lab so I had access to test tube. I had test tube caps with sewing needles jammed in them. And vinegar and baking soda to mix inside them to use as a propellant .  I had heavy objects to throw and if I remember correctly a baseball bat .

  I was the youngest I was the smallest and I was designated Horatio at the bridge .

  I remember a Christmas there , just before the end , where they got me a tent . M took me aside and told me to pick spot out on the farm some where and set it up so everyone had a place to hide .  that of course was working on the basic assumption that I was able to escape as well.

 I remember finding the spot , it was in this little hollow just inside the tree line on the hills behind the house . I was into reading sword and sorcery military history and science fiction books at the time , still am actually . So it had , what 12-year-old boy would think was a good field of fire . I had a bow and arrow set hidden up there as well , just with target points . And a few knives.

 I remember we started stealing money from , slipping a few bucks out of his wallet when he wasn't looking . And he found out . The decision was made that I would take the fall for that , as usual . 

 When he was screaming at me about it he told me to go get him a beer , and as I walked away he said I can't even trust you to flush an outhouse . And I responded with you don't flush an outhouse . That didn't go well . 

 Later that evening I was taking a bath and he walked in drunk and started screaming at me about disrespecting him . He asked me if I had anything to say to him about that and I responded with a smart ass comment . He shove my head underwater until I quit struggling but stopped short of drowning me.

 The next memory I have of there is of him coming home and going into a rage. My brother ran out of the house and I went with him . We were hiding outside and we could hear him screaming at J . A said something along the lines of "I have never seen him this bad he's going to kill somebody, somebody needs to go get his guns ".

 Well since I was taught I was expendable I agreed and went inside . I remember sneaking into their room and getting his pistols . As I was sneaking out I realize that by having these weapons the balance of power is shifted into my favor .  I remember turning to going to the kitchen , I do not remember what I saw when I walked in there . But whatever it was I wanted to kill him. The only thing I can remember is  sight picture his chest . J said that she had it all under control and got between me and him I turned and ran out . Nothing but blank after that.

 My mother told me years later that it terrified him . Well if you're going to sexually and physically abused children my advice is don't teach them how to shoot . Just seems like common sense really . 

 The marriage was over within days . I remember him coming back to get his stuff , I was told to go to my room and not come out until he left . I remember watching him loading his stuff into a muscle car with one of those late 70s white guy Afros . 

 I remember everybody was so angry with me , M A J and M's parents .  Who going to take care of us now? Everyone was upset about about them having to get divorced . M's parents approved of E because he made a lot of money . They kind of ignored everything else .

 Just got to give you an idea how how M's parents were . We made my grandmother angry once , not sure for what , she lined the three of us up ,loaded my grandfather's World War II issue bolt action rifle and pointed at us and told us that if we misbehaved again she'd shoot one of us . So not a lot of help from that end.

 I remember coming down sometime after E left , it was in the evening so as we always did I was just running around in my underwear .  my grandfather started screaming at me , I'm not sure if it was about E or about just being in my underwear . I ran back upstairs 

 The next I remember is living  in town . I don't remember the move , there are months missing .

 As I was typing this I realize that even with the fake names and not mentioning towns or states that if my brother, sister or mother stumble across this they will know who I am . Well if you guys do , fill in the gaps . Stop blaming it all on me and tell me what the fuck happened .

 I don't blame you for it , I forgiven you for it years ago, just tell me. 

I am very uncomfortable commenting on post by women on this site.for several reasons.

1 most of the women on this site have been raped or abused by men. And I feel that having a male commenting on it would be upsetting.

2 Due to the way society treats male rape victims and it seems that society now views men as inherently wrong I am concerned that I will attacked.I have not seen that here but on other sites I have.

3 I have CTPSD so I feel that everything I do or say has no worth. I am Working on that.

I'm beginning to believe that E did things to me as well . 

 I remember a time when we were in a public restroom . I was very little three maybe four years old . I glanced over at him while we were peeing. As little boys tend to do , and he saw me do it . He turned to me started waving his di*k in my face and said something along the lines of "take a good look you little ( insert homosexual slur here )".

 I have memories of him standing in front of me with his bathrobe open naked . 

 He was uncircumcised .

  I also remember a time when I was at his medical office   , he was also a medical professional . I was very young , I don't even think I was in kindergarten yet . And I had to use the bathroom . I remember peeking through the crack of the specimen door in the wall to make sure he was busy before I could use the toilet . 

 One of the things that really tenses me up is being on my knees , or all fours with men within a few feet from me. Also being in a vulnerable position with men behind me really ramps my stress up .

I can not stand to be touched by surprise by men. If I see it coming it doesn't bother me much, but a if a man walks up and lays his hand on my shoulder or slaps me on the shoulder ,something like that, I immediately tense up. I am also uncomfortable hugging men . Having women do it doesn't bother me at all 

 This predates the gang rape that happened when I was 20.

 In in my teens I was known for punching people if they did that . From the time the marriage ended until I joined the military I believe the word psychotic would best describe me. and no my family did not try to get me any help , they didn't take me to a psychiatrist or try to get me therapy . I believe they thought that I would either die from the drinking, the fighting or the self destructive behavior or wind up in prison so why waste resources on me. 

 I don't believe that M ever told W all the details of what happened. And if she did I was the villain of the piece, because they blamed all the "Games"on me . 

 Once when I was about 15 I was working on my knees cutting something with a knife . One of my coworkers , he was a member of the Hells Angels at the time , walked up to me said" well why you're down there "unzipped his pants and started to pull his penis out . I stabbed him in the foot . Oddly enough he left me alone after that .

 If I have to hold something in my mouth ( flashlight a pencil screwdriver etc. )in order to have my hands free . The word penis flashes in my head 

 I also remember a time when I was maybe seven or eight , playing with myself , and anally penetrated myself with a small object . This was before my brother was of the age where he could achieve an erection to do that to me as part of the " games" . And I do not believe that this is something that a child that young would come up with on his own. So someone taught me that anal stimulation  in males can be pleasurable . 

 But really really cements the idea that E did more then just watch the Games is this.

 As part of my job I recently had to become CPR and first aid certified . Not a big deal and the company's gonna pay for the class . So they got us all together in a meeting room , the group was predominately man , and held a class .

 Now I was having fun laughing and joking with the teacher. Just having a grand old time .

 Finally near the end of the class she asked for someone to play accident victim. my boss was like okay I'll do it and laid down on the floor . then she asked for a volunteer to play first responder . I volunteered for that .

 So she tells me to walk up to him and to describe what I see and I say " well he's neither pale nor flushed , he's not laying in a pool of blood and I don't see any broken bones protruding . "

 And she says "well he could have broken bones that you don't see so what you need to do is take your hands and drag them up and down his arm and legs and check for bumps ." 

 And I locked up , that entire room full of people just disappeared from my awareness . All I could see was a grown man lying there and I was supposed to touch him . I literally couldn't move , I could not force myself to bend down and do that . 

 I think she realized something was wrong because she said here I'll show you how . 

 He is one of the few people that I trust, as much as I'm capable of trusting people . And the thought of getting down on my hands and knees and touching him flipped every circuit breaker in my head . I just froze.

 I don't know if I'm using this term correctly . But I believe I disassociated for the rest of the class . I was able to fake being jovial for the rest of the class but I was definitely in grips fight or flight. I drifted to the edge of the group and put a garbage can between me and the rest of them . 

 This leads me to believe that at some point in time that I can't remember I had to touch or touched by an adult male in ways I didn't like . 

 And as every adult male , whether they admit it or not , I look at porn . I am very very very uncomfortable with pornography that shows people being degraded or humiliated . I do not like humiliation comedy . 

 And as racist and homophobic as I remember E being. I believe that if he did do things to me it was designed to humiliate and degrade . 

I remember the first time I was able to masturbate to orgasm and ejaculated I wasn't surprised or worried that I damaged myself somehow . I was like oh I can do that now . You have to remember this was the mid 70s back before the Internet.  not a lot of access to films or Pictures that would show that . So at some point in time I saw a male ejaculate and knew what that was . 

 I just don't know for sure.

Some time over the next few days I going to see if I can find E and M divorce decree.

I want to know what the reason they give for getting divorced. I'm thinking irreconcilable differences or no contest.

M was real big on not airing our dirty laundry in public and what would the neighbors think?

Mom your husband was fucking your children. I think the neighbors should have been the least of your concerns. But then that's just me.

I would like to see if some of what he did made it into the divorce, but I seriously doubt.

But be that as it may it will give me an end date. And allow me to backtrack the timeline of the whole marriage. 

Right now I have bits and pieces but no context. 

I am a self taught historian so context and timelines are something I feel is important.

In my last post where I was saying that I truly believe that they were hoping I would just die from inhaling the toxic Vapors, I don't mean that they just sat around the kitchen table and they discussed it and came up this plan of just letting me suffocate.

The reason I believe this is there were three people in that house with me, 2 of them had driver's license, either one of them could have taken me to the hospital. All three of them know how to operate a telephone, any one of them could have called an ambulance.

I doubt if they were even conscious that they made the decision to let me die if that was the way it was going to happen. But I do believe that either consciously or not they made the decision just to let me die.

I was just that broken and it would be so much easier them if I just died