I'm beginning to believe that E did things to me as well .
I remember a time when we were in a public restroom . I was very little three maybe four years old . I glanced over at him while we were peeing. As little boys tend to do , and he saw me do it . He turned to me started waving his di*k in my face and said something along the lines of "take a good look you little ( insert homosexual slur here )".
I have memories of him standing in front of me with his bathrobe open naked .
He was uncircumcised .
I also remember a time when I was at his medical office , he was also a medical professional . I was very young , I don't even think I was in kindergarten yet . And I had to use the bathroom . I remember peeking through the crack of the specimen door in the wall to make sure he was busy before I could use the toilet .
One of the things that really tenses me up is being on my knees , or all fours with men within a few feet from me. Also being in a vulnerable position with men behind me really ramps my stress up .
I can not stand to be touched by surprise by men. If I see it coming it doesn't bother me much, but a if a man walks up and lays his hand on my shoulder or slaps me on the shoulder ,something like that, I immediately tense up. I am also uncomfortable hugging men . Having women do it doesn't bother me at all
This predates the gang rape that happened when I was 20.
In in my teens I was known for punching people if they did that . From the time the marriage ended until I joined the military I believe the word psychotic would best describe me. and no my family did not try to get me any help , they didn't take me to a psychiatrist or try to get me therapy . I believe they thought that I would either die from the drinking, the fighting or the self destructive behavior or wind up in prison so why waste resources on me.
I don't believe that M ever told W all the details of what happened. And if she did I was the villain of the piece, because they blamed all the "Games"on me .
Once when I was about 15 I was working on my knees cutting something with a knife . One of my coworkers , he was a member of the Hells Angels at the time , walked up to me said" well why you're down there "unzipped his pants and started to pull his penis out . I stabbed him in the foot . Oddly enough he left me alone after that .
If I have to hold something in my mouth ( flashlight a pencil screwdriver etc. )in order to have my hands free . The word penis flashes in my head
I also remember a time when I was maybe seven or eight , playing with myself , and anally penetrated myself with a small object . This was before my brother was of the age where he could achieve an erection to do that to me as part of the " games" . And I do not believe that this is something that a child that young would come up with on his own. So someone taught me that anal stimulation in males can be pleasurable .
But really really cements the idea that E did more then just watch the Games is this.
As part of my job I recently had to become CPR and first aid certified . Not a big deal and the company's gonna pay for the class . So they got us all together in a meeting room , the group was predominately man , and held a class .
Now I was having fun laughing and joking with the teacher. Just having a grand old time .
Finally near the end of the class she asked for someone to play accident victim. my boss was like okay I'll do it and laid down on the floor . then she asked for a volunteer to play first responder . I volunteered for that .
So she tells me to walk up to him and to describe what I see and I say " well he's neither pale nor flushed , he's not laying in a pool of blood and I don't see any broken bones protruding . "
And she says "well he could have broken bones that you don't see so what you need to do is take your hands and drag them up and down his arm and legs and check for bumps ."
And I locked up , that entire room full of people just disappeared from my awareness . All I could see was a grown man lying there and I was supposed to touch him . I literally couldn't move , I could not force myself to bend down and do that .
I think she realized something was wrong because she said here I'll show you how .
He is one of the few people that I trust, as much as I'm capable of trusting people . And the thought of getting down on my hands and knees and touching him flipped every circuit breaker in my head . I just froze.
I don't know if I'm using this term correctly . But I believe I disassociated for the rest of the class . I was able to fake being jovial for the rest of the class but I was definitely in grips fight or flight. I drifted to the edge of the group and put a garbage can between me and the rest of them .
This leads me to believe that at some point in time that I can't remember I had to touch or touched by an adult male in ways I didn't like .
And as every adult male , whether they admit it or not , I look at porn . I am very very very uncomfortable with pornography that shows people being degraded or humiliated . I do not like humiliation comedy .
And as racist and homophobic as I remember E being. I believe that if he did do things to me it was designed to humiliate and degrade .
I remember the first time I was able to masturbate to orgasm and ejaculated I wasn't surprised or worried that I damaged myself somehow . I was like oh I can do that now . You have to remember this was the mid 70s back before the Internet. not a lot of access to films or Pictures that would show that . So at some point in time I saw a male ejaculate and knew what that was .
I just don't know for sure.