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Trigger warning

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Invisible~

On the dance floor I’m spinning 

Guys twirl me, in hopes they may be winning

Dance after dance they’re all the same

Acting like I’m a prize, the ultimate game

Stretching out their hand as invitation, asking if I want to play

No, I don’t want to, but I take their hand any way

Suddenly He grabs my hand, imagining his own success 

Whispers in my ear, calling me his princess 

Guys try for another dance, but he won’t let go of my hand

My stair begs for help, but none of them under stand

Spinning and spinning, every third spin , I see you

The only one who doesn’t notice me, but I need u to 

Bright lights make the top of my dress sparkle its shaped like a heart

Lined with shiny silver, gliding his hand over it, he tells me it’s his favorite part

His hands tighten around my waist, making it hard to breath

I’ve targeted u out, I want u to save me, help me leave 

Every ones staring, but no one notices his threatening glare 

Women whisper around us, saying we’re the perfect pair

I can only breathe when he lets go to let me spin

Noise starts fading around me, the lights are growing dim

Desperately searching needing you or someone to save me

Because I’m trapped, caged, his slave I’ll always be

Spinning and spinning I don’t know how to get away

Screaming out, but no one hears what I have to say

Finally he finds something else, from the ball he does disappear 

fear of him coming back, it lingers and haunts, I can’t see clear

I begged u and everyone to help, no one understood 

‘How can such an honorable man, not be good?’

Realizing the truth, something I never knew

No one could have saved me, not him her or you

My only hope is to start now and Tell the truth from the beggining

 Finally relief Overwhelms me, I’m still, and the  room stops spinning 

 
Invisible~

Nov. 2016

No one understands and i know people are annoyed with me i feel so lost

So alone. I cant talk to anyone bc i know people dont want to hear it anymore and counclors are once a week help, but who do I talk to when I have a flash back in the middle of a meeting? In the middle of work? In the middle of the congregation? In the middle of driving down the fricken road?

Who do i talk to when everyones happy and im laughing but i feel like i cant breath. When on the inside of me i feel fear and horro?

councling is ONLY a hour a week out of 168. And all they do is tell me the same crap over and over “grounding exersizes” “dont be afraid of ur feelings” .. blah blah blah

And i want it to help. I want something to help. But nothing fricken helps me. The elders, my prayers, friends family my relife from them is all temporay.

It always comes back. All of it, it plays and it lives over and over in my head. Like a farrios wheel that never turns off.

And it shoudnt, it shouldnt be like this now, its been over a fricken year. The last time He touched me was Nov. 2016.

... Nov.2016... its 2018

Its 2018 and everyday, everyday, it feels like Nov.2016

Every fricken day, every fricken hour, every god dam moment im back, im laying on a bed, im screaming im crying, i cant breath. Im back to my son listening to me scream for his dad not to kill me. My back to holding my legs shut, ripping his hands off me. Trying to keep them out of my pants.

But i cant tell people, bc ive already told them. Ive told them a thousand times. And they dont want to hear it, they dont want to live it & they dont have to, they shouldnt have to, i shouldnt have to, but i do.

I do, i do go  through  it, i live it. And it never stops, when it does stop, it just comes back.

There are moments when my sons trying to hug me, and hell touch my nec, and im back, i cant breath again. My head spins and. I have to remind my self of where im at, whos touching me, i have to remind my self im safe.

And “mr.L” what does he go through ?

Does he have nightmares, does he have moments where he cant breath? Does he have moments where hes all alone?

No. No he doesnt, but i do.

Invisible~

Her and me

 

June 2018

 

Watching me, she’s sees me crying

She knows why. She knows he’s lying

“I’m sorry” I hear her whisper

Leaning in, I can’t believe I kissed her..

On the cheek

The silence is to much, but she still won’t speak

The tranquility is to much for me to bare

Breaking the stillness, even tho I shouldn’t dare

“Can u tell me things u don’t know to b true

Can u tell me the future about me and u

Can u tell me I’ll have a girl baby

Will u tell me loves is a definite, not just a maybe

Will u tell me it’s all right ,Things will get better

That our LoVe is something That will last forever “

Leaning forward she kisses my lips

Her hands grip my hips

This feels so natural, so right

Her arms around me holding me tight

It’s like this is how it’s supposed to be

Not “him & her”, but “her and me”

And our clothes hit the floor

You tell me “i love u” once more

Suddenly I waken, realizing I dreamed about my past

And I’m guilty because I wish our love would’ve last

Because of my past & current desires I cry tears

I miss u, its been forever, It’s been years

Invisible~

2017

All this is embarrassing and shameful to say. But I need you to hear me. This is the only time I have to confront u....

Now I want to talk to you about that night that brought us here. But I want to tell it as if I were you and you were me, I hope you see the type of husband you were.I want you to picture yourself half the size and strength of me. Now see yourself sitting in pile of dirty laundry crying while I'm yelling over you and between your sobs you're trying to stick up for yourself but I just yell louder. Now see yourself looking up and seeing your son screaming and crying. Picture yourself hopeless, and you have to decide which is safer picking him up and running or staying still and doing nothing. You know you can't make it out the door in time so you stay still.Out of fear you pick up the phone and call your mother and law. And your crying and just repeating please come and get me. But I stick out my hand in front of you, and I make you give me the phone. Then I put you on the bed pick up your son and point at you and demand that you don't move. know once I come back something bad is going to happen. You're crying, you're wondering if your mother in law cares enough to actually come and get you. That minute it takes me to get from *Ls* bedroom, and back feels like hours. You hit the floor crying .Then I shut the door, and I make you lay down. Your body's shaking from fear. I lay down next to you and I say “YOU ARE GOING TO BE SUBMISSIVE TO ME.” I make you say that you're going to be a happy wife. Then I try to make you say your not going to leave me. But you don't say it. So I start to hit you in the face, you don't understand what's going on or understand what I'm telling you. You see no recognizable emotion in my face. Out of nowhere I start strangling you. And I'm yelling at you but you don't understand what I'm saying. Then you start to lose your breath so I let go. And you catch air, but then I put my hand over your mouth and I get really close to you and I keep telling you to breath through your nose. Your crying snots dripping down your throat you feel like you're drowning. Slowly you can’t breath again. So I let go. Then I strangle you again. And as I repeat this pattern back in forth your screaming, crying, you're trying to breath. Your sons in the next room and he's listening to you scream for your life. You feel your eyes rolling in the back of your head. Every time I let go and switch from your neck to your mouth you wonder if I'm going to kill you this time.Then suddenly I pull you close, and I'm remorseful and I'm telling you I'm sorry. But you're yelling at me trying to escape from my arms. But I don't let you go and I put my head on your chest. So you put your arm in between my head and your chest to protect yourself. But you piss me off. So I grab your boob but you move my hand. So I try to force my hands down your pants but you're pulling it away. Then I start to try to rip open your legs, you've been screaming for me to stop, screaming for someone to call the cops. And I'm yelling at you but you don't know what I'm saying then I start to strangle you again. • The next thing you remember is I'm sitting on the floor crying and you're yelling at me. And you're feeling unloved by everyone. Invisible because I just hit you, strangled you and tried to rape you. Because you called your mother in law who never showed up, and because you screamed for help but no one came. You are officially nothing... I was officially nothing. 

...The saddest part of my reality is not just our past, it's not just my night mares, it's my dreams. The ones where your sorry and you've changed. You hug me, you kiss me. Your different, you love me. I'm a person, I'm your wife, you take care of me. I heal from your torture. But believing these things is what kept me with u, and I won't risk my life for a fantasy. the longer I'm away from you, the more I realize I'm terrified of you. And if I don't go back to you it's not me who tore our family apart it's you. I'm scared of you. And I'm learning it's ok for me to be scared of you because you're dangerous for me.

Invisible~

Ocean waves

2017

*I see the ocean waves move 

across the ocean floor 

*And I remember how you said 

I'd always be some one you'd adore

*But no one knew

Knew the some one inside of you

*I feel the cold breeze 

*I fall and hit my knees

*The water chaps me 

*I see you slap me 

*I relive my fears

*I start to scream but no one hears

*Just like no one ever heard

*And I rehear it, every mean word

*The waves hit the ground hard 

and take my breath away

*I can feel u strangle me, like you did that day

*The sands hard and scrapes my skin

*My heart races as I remember u shove it in

*Blistering wind is blowing to cold &

To fast

*ocean waves sprinkle My body

With a splash

*I feel your sweat drip on face

*Remember you going down, just for 

A taste 

*I despise the dark memories of all 

You forced me to do

*And I don't know how to not love u

*And delete the memories of the love 

In between your violence and rape

*I don't know why I love you 

*My husband,

**why aren't you some

One I hate **

*I can't control the memories that I disgust 

And the ones I adore

*So I sit in the ocean waves and wish

They'd sweep me under the ocean floor

Invisible~

Trapped

*Drowning, im pulloted by Doubt and fear

*Seeing ahead, I’m looking but I can’t see clear

*Who would’ve thought one person could take

Another to a place so dark, so deep

*Sanity: I grasp, I reach, but it’s not something I can keep 

* you can’t touch me, and no part of u is inside of me

* I hate you so much, I just want ur memory behind of me

*waking up, feeling around to verify your not in my bed

*you haven’t touched me in years, the only way u hurt me now, is in my head

* silence surrounds me, yet I still hear your voice 

* but I tell you “NO” now, bc today I have a choice 

*reminding my self you don’t know where I am, you can’t find me

*havent seen you in years, your gone, except the fear of u burns inside of me

*seeking, grasping for a new life, trying to adapt

*but I’m stuck at the bottom of the ocean, forever trapped

 
Invisible~

Court

Outside it’s raining inside it’s cold

I see some faces are new, some are old

There’s lawyers, a judge and Mr. L

Unaware the truth is a story I’m about to tell

“Raise your right hand”

Shaking but I still stand

The judge says “I know this is hard do you need a break”

I keep going because I have nothing left to take

Everyone staring, all eyes on me

His stair hurts the most, it lingers to haunt me

“ can you describe that night in detail”

Can I describe that night in front of Mr. L

“Finger prints on my thighs”

He doesn’t look surprised 

“Hand prints of black n blue”

I’m telling things he already knew

“Slaps to the face, unsure of what he said

Trying to move but he holds me on the bed

Hands on my throat, covering my mouth with his hand

Complete control, Showing me the only way he knows how to be a man

Telling me to breath threw my nose

Suffocating me, he lets go because he knows 

Repeating it, like it’s a game

And he still believes I’m to blame

‘Shhh, shh we’ll just lay here’

Screaming, even his breath creates fear

Hands on my breast, down my pants, between myThighs “

I’m telling the truth Mr. L, no more lies

But what happens next I can not tell

No, the only one who knows that is mr. L

Did he strangle me to near death?

Suffacting my memory until there was none left

Did he rape me, and leave on the bed

Mr L did u want to kill me and leave me for dead?

“Mr L do u understand the condition of your plea”

Looking at him, he stairs through me

Begging for help, my prayers have been sent 

“Your honor the victim would like to make a statement“ 

those word echo, staring at Mr L, I say all I have to say

But mr L doesn’t care, he quickly just looks away

 
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