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About this blog

"Fill my lungs up, pour my heart out, peel my bones away
Crack my window, shed my shadow, excavate my pain"
--Excavate//Macklemore

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leosun

We Broke Up

Well, I did it. I broke up with Libra. It came out of a lot of thinking and a stable mind, thankfully. He drove out to visit, we had a normal night of dinner and our TV show (at home of course), and went to bed. When we woke up and realized there wasn't much to do (rainy weather, no close friends in the area), he became notably upset and aggravated. I asked him what was wrong and he just pushed it off as being bored and wasn't mad. I'll spare all the details, mostly because I've said it all enough to my friends and family, but overall it came out that he still isn't sure that he loves me. I made the executive decision that this was the last straw. If you take back that you love me and are confused about what you want from me, you don't get to be with me. You don't deserve my whole heart and the plan of my future if you don't know what you want with your own. 

Oddly, I feel okay. I think it's a strange mix of reality not sinking in and being content with my action to love myself more than I love him. I do love him, very much. But that diminishes when he looks at me blankly and says that he just doesn't feel the same. The only good part to come from our break up conversation was the reality that he is sorry for leading me on and having his own confusion affect me for this long, and that he does feel sad that we're breaking up. I know that a part of him didn't want to, or else he would have broken up with me long ago, and I hope he settles his own mentality before trying to bring me or someone else into something again.

Everyone has their own mental battles, and ours were rather conflicting. His depressive episodes, periods of "silent treatment" as I called it, and intense independence did not mesh well with my anxiety, need for communication, and "hopeless romantic" expectations of living. If that makes sense at all. But really, these conflicts were only when we were both having bad days. On our good days, we fit perfect. And this is what we were both holding onto in the end. I hope we both get the chance to figure ourselves out and how we work with ours/eachother. I don't know what I would say if he changed and wanted to try again. I just don't know yet. It is too soon for me to really give that some thought.

I need to let this be a mature breakup for me. All my previous relationships felt immature and the breakups especially. Some I moved immediately into rebounding to someone else, some I became self-destructive, and now this one I was to be mature. Self-discovery. Self-reliant. 

I'll be okay. 

"Living just comes with a bit of heartache
Heartache comes with a bit of young faith
Faith stays young till your heart
get broken
Hope grows up to become someday"

-Painkillers/Rainbow Kitten Surprise

leosun

Wow, this week has been a rollercoaster. The combination of 3 days of pure anxiety after my mom went into the hospital, starting new classes, seeing old friends and making new ones, I am exhausted. Luckily, I'm feeling very in control of everything right now. I am managing my time fairly well and preparing myself for balance in the future. I know it can't always be this relaxed, but I'm finally feeling some calm after a crazy storm of a week. Libra is coming to visit this weekend, and I think I'll know where we stand by the time he leaves. I hope it works out. Hoping for the best, expecting the worst.

I started a fitness class which I am actually extremely nervous about. I'm not in shape, although I'm also still rather small in size. I'm not good at athletics or exercise and it's going to be a challenge, but hopefully, it'll help my anxiety and confidence a little bit. My goal for that class is to gain confidence when I work out so I don't feel as embarrassed when I go to the gym by myself or in public.

I've also been trying to be mindful of my diet, which has been fluctuating while getting used to this schedule. I feel okay about my body right now, but I know if I keep eating poorly I won't stay happy about it. 

I also feel like I'm not very good at this blogging thing, haha. I never know what to say and just end up rambling about things that don't really matter. I'll figure it out eventually.

"Your boldness stands alone among the wreck"
-Little Lion Man/Mumford and Sons

leosun

Holy cow. my thoughts have been racing for nearly the entire day. I can't sleep, I have to get up for class in 7 hours, and I can tell this is only going to get worse the later I stay up. I'm trying so hard to fall asleep. Everything is racing and I'm so anxious I feel like I'm going to throw up. Everything is working against me in my head right now and I'm just going to explode if I don't get it out somehow.

My mom's in the ER and they haven't sent me her CAT scan updates and I don't think they're planning to tell me until tomorrow. She may need surgery within the week and I have classes starting and will have to work around my classes to go home (3 hour drive). I can't help but think the worst and think something is going to go wrong and I can't imagine losing her. I start thinking about what kind of relationship will I have with my dad if she doesn't make it. It's just absurd because she is going to be fine and there's no reason why I should be this nervous about that and I feel horrible for thinking it. But I can't shake the what if.

I am almost convinced I need to break up with Libra or I will go insane. I ran through an entire break up speech in my head (while trying to fall asleep) and now I'm just terrified and anxious for that conversation. I have no one to turn to right now and I have no one who is willing to stay awake with me right now and listen to me rant or be with me. 

I'm beyond terrified of seeing either of my assaulters tomorrow on campus when classes start. It's nearly impossible since I believe both of them spend all of their time on the other campus, but I'm back to that aching what if feeling. I have such a busy day every day this semester and I don't know what will happen if my path crosses with theirs. That's the hardest part of this first week, finding a new schedule and a new path that might cross theirs. 

I feel like I'm going to throw up and explode and miss my alarm and not sleep at all and have a nightmare if I do and probably make all the wrong impressions tomorrow and miss the bus and say something wrong and probably run into someone I never want to see again and somethings going to happen with my mom and I just want all these thoughts to STOP

leosun

New Semester

I am officially all moved back. Libra and I have talked around some of his mental health issues, but not to the level I want. I understand he's not ready yet. But I'm not letting that get to me right now.

Moving was so good and refreshing. I rearranged my room and didn't bring any unnecessary clutter and I'm feeling so ready to start this last semester and move forward with my education and life. I am starting to get stressed about my own time management (already), because working 2 jobs, taking 15 credits, being a TA for a freshman lab, doing research, and applying/finishing up requirements for grad school is going to be a lot to handle. Sometimes writing out everything I need to do is helpful, and sometimes it makes the anxiety of time management worse. I just need to stay ahead and keep myself going.

I'm going to start up my free therapy again through the school. However, I didn't really enjoy my last therapist. She felt somewhat condescending, even though her information online says she specializes in sexual trauma- and she is the only one who specializes in this at my university. I can't tell if it was just my foggy mental health last semester that made me think she was condescending, or if it was actually her attitude towards the sessions. I also don't want to get another therapist involved (I only get 10 free sessions), because then I have to spend at least 3-5 sessions getting familiar with her and getting her adjusted to my situations and stories. This is something I've been tossing around in my head for a while now and I can't schedule a session until I've decided. I also think it might benefit just to go in and try with her again, since I know I'm in a different mindset now than I was when we last saw each other.

My new roommates got us off on the wrong foot too, which was extremely upsetting for me. I have a rabbit and they were having a hard time adjusting to the idea of having him in the living room (large pen, cannot fit in my room), but they hadn't even moved in and seen him yet. It was all over text, and I felt really overwhelmed by the idea of having to keep him in a smaller cage that isn't healthy for him. I really find a lot of comfort in having my rabbit and he gives me a sense of responsibility when I can't take care of myself, without the full-time commitment of having a dog. He's not a registered ESA but my apartment allows me to have him since he is caged. I know this is their space too and I don't know why I got so irrationally upset about it, but I almost went into an anxiety attack at the thought that they would threaten getting rid of him or having the apartment make me remove him. I know this won't happen because he is completely legal, but my mind went into a whirlwind of "what if's". I just have a hard time understanding how he doesn't make everyone else as happy as he makes me. I can't imagine not having him in this time of my life.

I also told my friend more details about what happened. She knows I have PTSD, but I told her what the trauma was and a basic idea of who/what/when. I did this over text and was able to handle the situation and my emotions very well. I'm happy with myself for being open with her about it. If I can tell more people, I can eventually make it something I can talk about without getting pushed over the emotional edge and spiraling again.

Well, I'm going to go back to organizing my things for class and relaxing while I can. I'm very excited for this semester and new transition in my life.

"11 blocks from my door to your doorstep
Three years later and it feels too close"

-11 blocks/Wrabel

 

leosun

Moving and packing is taking up all of my time and energy right now- and it is great. I'm so glad to have something to focus on in this confusing weird time instead of being anxious. There's so many factors working against me right now but all I can think is how excited I am to be back in my apartment with my friends and getting back to a routine that I enjoy.

I've been being brutally honest with myself about things I need to throw away/replace and it feels so good to get rid of the giant clutter mess I've accumulated since 2016.

Nothing much else to update- gotta get back to packing. :) 

leosun

This may be a bit early to be posting about, but oh well. There's a good chance Libra and I are going to break up. For background, we have been together for a year and a half, 2 years in November. He is the first person I told about my story, and it happened a few months before I met him. He's seen me through every stage of this recovery process and was the main (practically only) reason I started going to therapy. I love him more than words, but it just doesn't seem like he feels the same way towards me. He has his own mental health battle and he is saying right now that he's not sure if it's his mental health going down again or his actual feelings changing towards us and our relationship. I'm lucky this is happening while I'm in an okay place mentally. I kept myself busy by packing up and moving out of my house and getting ready to move to my apartment. It doesn't feel real, and we've had these back and forths before, but I'm not sure how much more I can do about it. I'm glad I'm stable enough right now to not take his pain out on myself, because I have done that enough. 

I'm hoping he comes to his senses and figures out his own dilemma, but I'm not sure how much longer I can wait. How long do you wait before someone just admits they don't love you anymore? How long do I put up with this in between before I take control and end it myself for my own sanity?

I've known that things have been weird between us, but he is too stubborn and independent to come to me with his problems. I feel good that it came out calmly and on my terms (I asked him to talk when we were both calm and there was no anger) and it's helping me cope that we weren't upset or angry during the conversation. Well, I cried a lot but I wasn't hysterical or having an anxiety attack. Oh well, I guess I'll update later. Feels kind of surreal that only a few months ago he was asking what kind of engagement ring I want and now we might not make it to the end of the week.

I also move this Friday, so now the last time we see each other/talk before I move will be about this or breaking up. And then my birthday party in Grand Rapids is this weekend. Gonna do my best not to be destructive. And then it's the 2-year "anniversary" of both of my assaults and my grandpa's death. All within a 2-day frame. I don't even know what day it is exactly because I've been scared to look back and find out. I want to breeze over it like nothing happened, but that's unrealistic.

"Here I am, and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be"
-Gravity/Sara Bareilles

 

leosun

Change

I’m back. I disappeared for a while when work got to be hectic and my schedule was just insane. This week was incredibly busy. Birthday celebrations, hair appointments, work presentations and sports games with family. I have a wedding later today that marks the end of the busiest week of my summer. But I am so so glad to be done with my internship, and it feels good to know I had a positive end and a good poster. 

And with all the crazy days, I haven’t had very much time to be upset or think about anything. I’m afraid once I get to next week and I have no plans it’s going to backfire and be lots of bad thoughts and anxiety. Plus I’m moving at the end of the week. I don’t know what to think of all of it, but it feels good to blog again. 

“I am enough, I can make anywhere home”

-I am here/P!nk

 

leosun

I've been doing a lot of reading around on here and I really enjoy it. I think it's good for me. It's great to finally have someone else that isn't Libra or my mom comment back about my thoughts- and them actually understand.

I went home this last weekend and felt a lot of built up anger towards my mom, and was open with her for the first time about how some of her words have made me feel. I didn't tell her the extent, because I don't want to worry her, but at least she's aware now that I don't feel in control and I'm doing my best to be in control. One of the only things I liked that I heard in therapy was "How do you gain your power back?". I still don't really know the answer to the question, but I try every day to find something else that gains my power back. Assuming the depression lets me do anything after I get out of work besides laying in bed and watching youtube until I fall asleep.

Tomorrow is my SA's birthday. I already had to scroll quickly on Facebook passed his mom's post. She's such a good woman, I don't know what happened that made him so terrible. He's going to be 21, which means when I go back to school we could end up at the same bar. If we end up drunk at the same bar, do we end up back where it left off last? I couldn't let that happen. Libra wouldn't let that happen. My friends won't let that happen. I think that's why I need to tell more of my friends. Drunk me doesn't feel the same hurt that sober me does, and she doesn't know what she gets sober me into. 

I don't know where I'm going with this. My thoughts are so scattered. But I guess that's all I have for today.

"She told me all doors are open to the believer,
I believe her, I believe her, I believe her"
-Patricia//Florence & the Machine

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