Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
  • entries
    3
  • comments
    5
  • views
    126

About this blog

"Fill my lungs up, pour my heart out, peel my bones away
Crack my window, shed my shadow, excavate my pain"
--Excavate//Macklemore

Entries in this blog

leosun

End of a Chapter

This may be a bit early to be posting about, but oh well. There's a good chance Libra and I are going to break up. For background, we have been together for a year and a half, 2 years in November. He is the first person I told about my story, and it happened a few months before I met him. He's seen me through every stage of this recovery process and was the main (practically only) reason I started going to therapy. I love him more than words, but it just doesn't seem like he feels the same way towards me. He has his own mental health battle and he is saying right now that he's not sure if it's his mental health going down again or his actual feelings changing towards us and our relationship. I'm lucky this is happening while I'm in an okay place mentally. I kept myself busy by packing up and moving out of my house and getting ready to move to my apartment. It doesn't feel real, and we've had these back and forths before, but I'm not sure how much more I can do about it. I'm glad I'm stable enough right now to not take his pain out on myself, because I have done that enough. 

I'm hoping he comes to his senses and figures out his own dilemma, but I'm not sure how much longer I can wait. How long do you wait before someone just admits they don't love you anymore? How long do I put up with this in between before I take control and end it myself for my own sanity?

I've known that things have been weird between us, but he is too stubborn and independent to come to me with his problems. I feel good that it came out calmly and on my terms (I asked him to talk when we were both calm and there was no anger) and it's helping me cope that we weren't upset or angry during the conversation. Well, I cried a lot but I wasn't hysterical or having an anxiety attack. Oh well, I guess I'll update later. Feels kind of surreal that only a few months ago he was asking what kind of engagement ring I want and now we might not make it to the end of the week.

I also move this Friday, so now the last time we see each other/talk before I move will be about this or breaking up. And then my birthday party in Grand Rapids is this weekend. Gonna do my best not to be destructive. And then it's the 2-year "anniversary" of both of my assaults and my grandpa's death. All within a 2-day frame. I don't even know what day it is exactly because I've been scared to look back and find out. I want to breeze over it like nothing happened, but that's unrealistic.

"Here I am, and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be"
-Gravity/Sara Bareilles

 

leosun

Change

I’m back. I disappeared for a while when work got to be hectic and my schedule was just insane. This week was incredibly busy. Birthday celebrations, hair appointments, work presentations and sports games with family. I have a wedding later today that marks the end of the busiest week of my summer. But I am so so glad to be done with my internship, and it feels good to know I had a positive end and a good poster. 

And with all the crazy days, I haven’t had very much time to be upset or think about anything. I’m afraid once I get to next week and I have no plans it’s going to backfire and be lots of bad thoughts and anxiety. Plus I’m moving at the end of the week. I don’t know what to think of all of it, but it feels good to blog again. 

“I am enough, I can make anywhere home”

-I am here/P!nk

 

leosun

I've been doing a lot of reading around on here and I really enjoy it. I think it's good for me. It's great to finally have someone else that isn't Libra or my mom comment back about my thoughts- and them actually understand.

I went home this last weekend and felt a lot of built up anger towards my mom, and was open with her for the first time about how some of her words have made me feel. I didn't tell her the extent, because I don't want to worry her, but at least she's aware now that I don't feel in control and I'm doing my best to be in control. One of the only things I liked that I heard in therapy was "How do you gain your power back?". I still don't really know the answer to the question, but I try every day to find something else that gains my power back. Assuming the depression lets me do anything after I get out of work besides laying in bed and watching youtube until I fall asleep.

Tomorrow is my SA's birthday. I already had to scroll quickly on Facebook passed his mom's post. She's such a good woman, I don't know what happened that made him so terrible. He's going to be 21, which means when I go back to school we could end up at the same bar. If we end up drunk at the same bar, do we end up back where it left off last? I couldn't let that happen. Libra wouldn't let that happen. My friends won't let that happen. I think that's why I need to tell more of my friends. Drunk me doesn't feel the same hurt that sober me does, and she doesn't know what she gets sober me into. 

I don't know where I'm going with this. My thoughts are so scattered. But I guess that's all I have for today.

"She told me all doors are open to the believer,
I believe her, I believe her, I believe her"
-Patricia//Florence & the Machine

Sign in to follow this  
×