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About this blog

Were do  I begin 

I never thought I would find myself in this position

Age 17 having to fight for justice in court because of what you did to me how is that fair...

You gave me PTSD … Anxiety and depression .. now because of me my family cant go out an have a decent time because one minute ill be okay an actually enjoying myself then .. Bam anxiety starts to build up then I'm breaking down an freaking out from my ptsd swearing I'm seeing you screaming an shouting please go away leave me alone haven't you done enough then my mom goes to grab me to comfort me an I flip out more because she's you but I try to tell myself its not true. I have to take 4 prescription's to be okay enough to leave my room. I was forced to give up weed and everything is hitting me so hard...

July 11,2018 I faced you in court I took the stand shaking all through my hands but I sat up there an told them every dirty ass thing you did to me right to your face with my advocate by me I started at you an said it all hoping for justice … but you said your not guilty …..WHAT!?! how do you not feel sick an disgusted with yourself... but my attorney an advocate said I blew it out of the water an I'm one of the bravest 17 year old girls they have ever met I'm the only one out of the other 6 girls who testified .. i did it for them I want them to know they can be strong. But ever since I testified I feel the weakest iv ever ever been... my chest wont stop hurting an I cant stop seeing him.. I just want to be better again but it will take a long time ...

im a bad ass twice surviving sexual assault survivor at the age of 17 one year apart from each other. 

If you need to talk im here no judgement if ans or buts im here for you.

Entries in this blog

Survivor0509

torn down

why..

that's a thought that goes through my head about 80 times a day 

I had my mom by me  grapes, oranges, blueberry's,  blue berry bagels,  granola,  an vanilla yogurt… but why what's the point of buying food when it goes to waste minutes later looking at the food my anxiety rises so high... an makes me feel so torn down today I ate some grapes lots of water an I have a small bowl of yogurt with granola an with every bite I hate myself … my medicine  usually makes me feel cold sometimes but lately I have been extremely freezing cold constantly shaking even outside.. an just wanting to sleep so I cant feel it. 

feeling torn down but feels like I cant touch the ground.. every time I think about him getting out I feel petrified an I feel dirty .. cause he lives just 10 minutes down the road from me an knows where I live.... I feel scared unsafe an torn down.. just completely an utterly worn out just existing not living an being me..

yesterday I had a total of four ear pricings an I decided ill get two more on my ears an ill be done.. when I was getting them yesterday it hurt so bad an gave me a flashback of him on top of me looking down at me holding my wrists down really tight crying so hard that I could see him just barley … that's the last time I felt pain may 9th 2018 yesterday when I got those two pricings was the first time I felt pain in 4 months..  I just wanna feel normal again an not always like this... when will it go away?

why do I feel like this ?

does it go away...?

why does he not have to feel like this?

he gets a room to his self 3 meals a day in solitary confinement not being humiliated doesn't have to relive an have these thoughts I find it so unfair its just like his life back home but he doesn't get to do it to anyone because there's a gate blocking him from the world … he's so good with words he's capable of even doing it to males an females he doesn't even have to be next to them just through a whole in the door an he can violate them in so many ways...  I wish he was in a room with no windows nothing … just pure blank walls an a bed an over a intercom they play baby crying noises an screaming... noises that would drive him crazy I just wish he could feel what I have been dealing with for four months...

Survivor0509

uncomfortable (TW)

ever since I was a little girl I was uncomfortable in my own skin always looking in the mirror staring for what felt like hours sometimes I would skip meals an make the excuse I was sleeping.. but ever since I turned 16 I have restricted things an would fast for 5 days an when I would eat the lil bits I did it would be a few hundered calories then I turned 17 an it got worse an worse an after may 9th iv completely had no appetite.. It would be time for dinner an thinking about food would make me feel so sick … I wouldn't eat all day then my mom comes homes from work so I put up a front ..ill eat .. so se thinks im okay then after dinner ill run to the bathroom or out back... im sure you know what I mean when going there after dinner after dinner till I go to bed at 4 am its a living hell...

binge purge 

binge purge

binge purge 

an if I manage to fall asleep through these hours of hell my body will wake me up just to do it an do a intense workout after … 

this has been going on for two almost 3 weeks the binging an purging.. iv told ne person but he reassures me your not fat you need to eat to take care of your body an be healthy  if im not fat then why when I look in the mirror that's all I see an I hate how I look an feel when I binge I feel guilty but when I purge it makes me feel so good an empty .. I trying not to it but its like my body cant go without it...

 

Survivor0509

dad.....

you disowned me after everything happened to me blaming me.. that im stupid an to never ever talk to you again..

last time I seen you in person was my 17th birthday for 3 seconds in Walmart. 

the last time you talked to me on the phone was may  10th for 3 minuets as you lectured me... 

yesterday Sunday august 5th,2018… you pulled up to moms house to drop off  sister an as you were waiting for her to come back out I happened to see you … all emotions started an my anxiety went extremely high as I seen you lean against the back of your truck on your phone I got so angry an so upset at the same time an wanted a hug... I miss the old you... you use to sit an watch blue clues with me on Saturdays an as I got older sponge bob then johnny bravo a icarly  we use to make dinners together with grandma  your first born.. how crazy im about to be 18 an you only been in my life a total of maybe 5 years cause as a baby you wanted nothing to do with me until I was about 6 then once I was 11 you left again cause we could not get along at all mom says its just cause two stubborn people butt heads but you expect me the child to be the grown adult I went outside in front of you an looked at you an you dropped your phone to your side an I held my hand up an said before you say anything..

IT IS NOT MY FAULT *tears streamed down my  face*

I did not asked to be r88ed I did not rip my cloths off an say me me me!

he was speech less I said im your daughter YOUR SUPPOSE TO BE MY DAD if you weren't ready you shouldn't have got my mom pregnant I wish you would put on your big boy pants on you can do it for your other family but not me? what did I do that was so wrong..? im just being me... 

I hugged him an broke down so bad an cried a lot for what felt like ages an then I let go an said I love you but why did you hurt me so bad you know that I need you especially the most right now he had nothing to say as I walked away I said you know where to reach me the look on his face was like oh.... shit....

I miss you dad...

Survivor0509

do you remember seeing me in court ? me staring you right in the eyes as i told them everything you did to me. during the whole time i really felt nothing except when i was walking in i was sobbing i heard you kinda moving an the chains that shackled your ankles up to your wrists jingled an that sound made me so sick to my stomach when i got to the stand when they started asking questions i started to look at you at first i was still sobbing then i wiped my tears away an gave you a dead blank stare two hours of answering questions felt like 4 days everything felt so slow i could barley hear the attorneys asking questions when staring at you but when i would look down at the ground i would tear up an i would feel so sick staring at you i felt like i was just there existing not living..hearing you say not sir im not guilt i wanted to scream an shout an curse an jump over the table an hit you because you know exactly what you did you took videos an shared with your friends the only thing that protected me was those shackles cause theses officers around me couldn't stop your wants an needs 

finally it was over the questioning was finally over you had to leave the room first an me hearing your shackles made me lose it after you left i quickly got up an ran out of the room an straight to the bathroom my advocate jess following behind me then they let him back in the room for his questioning i went in the stall an began throwing up an crying saying i give up i give up she hugged me an said what you did out there was one of the bravest things i have ever seen a 17 year old girl do trinity after court i felt so horrible 

existing not living....

at the next court date hearing your shackles made me even sicker than last time that hearing keys or key chains or any sound related makes me so sick an i have a anxiety attack

since a few weeks ago at the last court date every time i think about food or someone mentions it i feel extremely nautious an when i do a a few bites every 12 hours ill throw up but ill take the few bites so my mom thinks im okay .... the past 5 days iv lost 21 pounds...

Survivor0509

:unsure::(:!::ranting: :unsure::(:!:TRIGGERING

:triggering:

i just seen him...

i was reading my post about what he did to me that night an it felt like everything froze i started to get dizzy so i closed my eyes for a minute an open them an he was right there at the side of the kitchen table so close to me ... staring at me getting closer an closer he starting saying

come here

come here

come here

i kept closing my eyes then i put my music in an blasted it an opened my eyes again an he was there an looked at me disappointed trying to grab my wrist i tried talking an screaming but i couldn't finally it came out :

MOM! MO- MOM!!!

my mom came rushing in an he still stayed i felt so trapped he usually would go away i seen my mom but couldn't hear her :

MO-..!

tears streaming down my face then he got a extremely angry look on his face let go of my wrist an said FINE!an i closed my eyes when i opened them he was gone an i just cried harder an my mom slowly brought me into her arms saying find your 5 senses trinity find your 5 senses say them to me

i i can hear your voice 

i can smell my mint gum

i can see my dr pepper

i can feel your cotton shirt its soft 

i can taste my mint gum

i started to breath again an rubbed my eyes...

after that i felt so useless .. i thought i was doing good i feel so helpless its been 3 days an i haven't seen you why do you show up now.. it litterly drains all the energy from me you never change your outfit always the same a black hanes cotton tee shirt black basketball shorts with a lime green strip down both sides an shoes black an red brand sketchers.. 

there has gotta be something wrong with me ... my PTSD doesn't take any steps forward just 10 steps back...

 

 

 

Survivor0509

ASL

got back in touch with a old friend who has helped me every night an staying on the phone with me till i fall asleep. But he says hes not only helping me im helping him.

Me helping you? a few years back we found out he was 7% percent deaf in his left ear and 30% percent in his right ear right now hes not completely deaf but hard of hearing. But i went with him to the doctors 3 days ago an they told him that he will eventually be deaf an he now needs to fluently learn ASL - sign language he just started crying an hes a tall dude hes 6''7 an im 5''2 i gave him a big hug an said your not letting me be alone in my fight i wont let you be alone in yours i will learn ASL with you fluently :) i been only learning for 2 days now but i picked

 how are you

wake up

please sign slowly

i know how to sign

beautiful

i know

again 

hungry 

drink 

an eat an some more next im learning the alphabet

ASL is so cool an its also been a distraction for me  lately i just been focusing on asl instead of negativity thoughts

Survivor0509

not good enough not strong enough 

am I enough ?

I'm barley holding on its tough 

helpless...feeling so lost .. looking at my arms at all the scars it makes me feel gray... panic attacks are driving me insane

I constantly feel gray like I can feel it all leaving me cause my heart has not stop hurting since july11,2018 like literal pain every time I think about anything you did an feel sick not being able to keep anything down...

Survivor0509

him

I HATE YOU...

I HATE YOU..

wont you ever go away.. will I stop smelling you or remembering the fabric of your tee-shirt..

I remember exactly what you were wearing black cotton Hanes tee-shirt with basketball shorts that had a lime green strip down both sides... I remember every detail.. everything that happened .. an I just want it to go away …. 

very distant with my mom now to cause of this an I feel so bad .. she knows about my SA but not the details but I don't want to hurt her an make her live it...

an I hate you for that cause you didn't only hurt me my  mom my bestfriend my aunts an uncles cousins brothers sisters all my family... 

an I hate you... 

Survivor0509

breathing is easy ..right but forgetting or remembering is so so so frustrating :(

you feel hopeless like .."What's the use..?":unsure:

But I don't ever want you guys to feel hopeless an if you are I don't want it to continue.

I'm here for you guys if you guys need to talk just say so I wont refuse to talk or ignore you I will respond I'm here with open arms with what ever if you just wanna say hi or you need to vent or anything I'm here for you guys:hug::throb:

 

 

Survivor0509

today .. I was to a Eric paisley concert an it was okay till....

I thought I seen you ...but I have to reassure myself there is no way because your in jail an soon to be prison.. I seen you with this girl in the crowd of about 800 in the standing area an you stuck out like a soar thumb from my box seat... and if I lost you I found you in a instant an you kept staring at me an "come here' kept playing in my brain.. 

"Come here"       :!:

"come here"    :!:

"come here"      :blink:

"COME HERE"     :angry:

………….haven't you done enough to me …. go away... please..:sadang:

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