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About this blog

This is my first time here...

I just want to share about my feelings ...

 

 

Entries in this blog

 

Am i deserve it?

It's june already.. my birthday just around the corner.. i don't know what to do.. how to deal with my trauma... i was raped a week after my birthday.. my trauma already come out and haunted my days.. i don't have anyone to talk to.. imsomnia .. depression..  I don't wanna talk to my family.. they don't even believe me.. how will i cope with this situations.... 😭😭😭 Lately i can't sleep.. i feel worthless.. useless.. i hate my self... i can't do this..  Anyways.. i don't have other
 

I need help

Urm.. i don't what to say.. but i guess i need help.. 😢 i need someone...  listen to my story.. how hurts i am.. i just can't take it anymore.. i have no one to talk to.. about what happen to me.. 😢😢 Even my family don't believe me.. i don't know who else to believe... i never ask to be rape.. i never ask that... 😢 but no one listen to me... they put blame on me..  I hate myself.. i hate my life.. 😢 i live with trauma and depression.. and it's getting worse.. i do self harm... to getti
After silence

After silence

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Me

Still crying.. can't get over it.... and i'm trying my best to forget it.. to move on..  Still think about suicide.. how to end it all...how to get rid of this feelings..  But somehow still manage to smile .. laugh... jokes with others..  While at 3 a.m .. 😭😭 I'm all alone.. 😢 and think.... i don't wanna live anymore.. this isn't fair.. why no one get it?? Why people put blame on me?? It's not like i wanna get that things happen to me! Why no one ever considered it.. never as
After silence

After silence

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That's hurt me

You need  to get over it... Thats what i get when i  told my parents about my mental and health issues..  about my trauma and depression..  Thats all.. i need to get over it by myself.. i don't need help.. i'm gonna be fine.. 😊 what's the point i tell them about my problems.. when they don't even care?? Well.. am i really gonna  be fine?with this trauma? Depression? And anxiety?   
After silence

After silence

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Don't suicide

The wall and the mask that i made up… Start to crumbling  down.. It start to breaking into pieces… And i'm afraid of it… I'm no longer myself.. i already try the best…. But i know it hard… to be strong again…  I started to lose it.. Nightmare? Depression? Trauma? Anxiety.. Bulimia... i can't afford it anymore.. I can't..   Faking my smile.. faking my laugh.. faking everything…why? Why do i need to do this.. why do i need to be someone that i'm not… Why do i need to i
After silence

After silence

2
 

I feel empty

Somehow.. tonight i feel kinda empty I feel like losing my ownself.. feel like wanna give up wanna end my life..
After silence

After silence

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Alone

I'm all alone... Friends? I dont have it.. actually i have.. a lot of friends.. but they just exist when they need something from me 😂 But i feel happy with my life now.. being alone are good and awesome.. i dont need to think about others.. their feelings.. are they okay or not.. coz they never even care.. about me.. so yeahh.. the hell with it..  😭😢 actually i do care.. i love all of my friends... but they didnt.. why should i have this kind of feeling.. i hate all of this.. 
After silence

After silence

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Nightmare

Its just another nightmare... i dream about it again.. i can see clearly his face... i can barely feel his touch...  its make me sick! How can i survive like this... whenever i see my reflection on mirror... i cant see me.. the real me.. i only see the other part of me.. 😢😢😢😢
After silence

After silence

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Cut

Last night... I got depressed.. and cut my hand several times... lucky it doesnt blood so much.. and its not that hurt... I feel relieved and getting better after i cut my hand.. And now.. like nothing bad happen 😊 i'm smiling
After silence

After silence

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Survive

Its been 2 years.. i still cant forget it. I still live in nightmares.. i'm depress.. i'm struggling.. every day...  I still hate my self.. i still cant accept it. The things you have done .. leaves me with scars... i dont like memories... i hate to remember it again.. i hate to shed a tear..  I left today hating what you have done to me.. you dont just took something from me.. you took everything.. every single of me..  Every time i showered.. i cry.. i still can see what you hav
After silence

After silence

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I fake a smile

I'm good at faking smile... 😊 why? Because with that i know i'm getting stronger. I dont need people to keep asking me "are you okay?" No.. because whatever happen i'll never be okay..  I'm done. I'm tired.  I just need my space.. my time to be alone.. i just want to be alone.   I know i'll neved getting better.. i just keep faking everything . Faking my smile my laugh my appearence.. its bettter than crying out loud but no one listening .. no one ever care.. their just keep
After silence

After silence

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