i cant stand the constant pain in my head anymore. i would rather be dead then feel this way. and no one understands. no one on here understands no one in my life understands. everyone keeps telling my to go and see a therapist... i cant afford one. and i've already seen several and they didn't help much. my last one just made me feel worse. everyone keeps telling me that i need medication. i've been on all of them and they all made me sick. everyone keeps telling me it'll get better but it never does. i've been suffering for eleven years and it's never gotten better its gotten worse. they keep telling me im not alone yet i have no one to talk to. they tell me to exercise. does nothing. they tell me to do yoga. nothing. going outside. nothing. i try so hard and inevitably i end up going down the same hole again. i pick myself back up and keep going on and i fall again and again. I'm tired of being given the same advice and of no one understanding. i know people are trying to help but it's frustrating. it's like im screaming into a void and no one hears me. i've tried everything and all of it has failed. i want to go to sleep and never wake up. and no one understands...
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I don't understand why people keep living. I don't get it. I don't know why they do things or why they enjoy things. I enjoy nothing. I'll have a brief moment of respite only for it to come back again. Just this horrible feeling like my insides are rotting away and I'm slowly dying. Life isn't worth living like this but I'm too afraid to kill myself. I wish I could. I feel like i would be better off. Life is just too hard. I don't really believe that things get better. I think they can but life's problems and difficulties never really go away. Especially for people who don't have money it's even harder. And i don't think this pain inside over what's been done to me and how the world is and how screwed up people are it'll never truly go away. I'm having to carry a burden that feels to heavy to bear. And i have no one to really talk to about this. Even on here I still feel alone and isolated. People respond to my post and then that's it. Im back to being alone again. It's all just pointless.
And i don't trust anyone. I've seen what passes as normal these days I honestly want nothing to do with anyone. And people are just so hateful and there are so many double standards and so much hypocrisy. I feel exhausted by it all. And my brain never stops I just obsess and over analyze everything, it never stops. I'm sick of it.
I want to die.
I doubt anyone will really read this but I decided to blog about it anyway. I have no interest in sex. I never have. To me sex is just gross and pointless and i really don't get people's obsession and preoccupations with it. I have sexual feelings sometimes but there very rare and if anything i just find them annoying not pleasurable or interesting. I know some people will probably jump to conclusions and assume it has to do with whatever happened to me as a child but I really don't think so. I feel like it's just the way I am. I could honestly go my whole life never having sex or being in a relationship with anyone and be perfectly content and happy. If anything I like the idea of being celibate. I feel like our modern day culture has an unhealthy obsession with sex and everything is ridiculously oversexualised. I don't think there's anything wrong with having sex but people are too preoccupied with it and most people i don't think are even practicing safe sex. I've heard studies that said most people don't even use condoms. That and having sex all the time puts you at a higher risk of getting an std versus just doing it in moderation.
I don't know i hope im not coming across as overly judgey I just don't get it at all. The only time I would ever want to have sex with someone or i would actually enjoy those feelings is when I'm in love. To me that's what sex is. It's not just some way to get off it's a way to bond with someone. I don't understand all these experts that act like human beings are just hardwired to have sex all the time or that we're all polyamorous i have literally no interest in any of that. I don't even understand the desire to be in a relationship with multiple people. I don't judge people for it but I get sick and tired of society acting like we're all supposed to be a certain way and if your not that way than your somehow wrong. I don't think human beings are instinctively anything we're all different. We all have different desires and different ways of being. There's no "right" sexuality.
And again I'm not totally asexual my priorities are just elsewhere. To me I find it much more valuable to bond with someone emotionally and to me sex is a vehicle to express that bond. I don't see the value in having sex with someone I don't even know the name of and will never see again. I would much rather be celibate than have a one night stand.
I've recently made the decision to stop seeking therapy. I've attempted therapy so many times only for it all to fail. I feel like most therapists are extremely inadequate. The first therapist i saw when i was 13 suggested I walk alone downtown in order to overcome my social anxiety. I mean most adults don't even go by themselves let alone a child. The crime rate in there is bad. And then she made me cry in one session. I ran out of the room sobbing because she said something that upset me so bad.
Then the second one spent all our sessions just talking about college. I would tell her about these memories i was having and we would never go over any of it. It was all about college. And the advice she gave me never worked. And when i would tell her it wasn't working she wouldn't listen and just acted like i was doing it wrong.
The third therapist spent several minutes arguing with me about a band i listen to. She told me i need to listen to positive music and i told her there was a band i listen to that is positive. It's a band that does cinematic music. She said it can't be positive because cinematic music is scary like the music from jaws... So apparently in her mind all cinematic music is like the music from Jaws?? It didn't even make sense. Then she kept arguing with me that I wasn't allowing my time spent in psych hospital to "help me" Anyone who says psych hospitals or emergency rooms are there to help people who are suicidal is incredibly naiive or they're just lucky enough to be helped by medication. I'm not. That's all these places are they're just pill dispensaries. They don't give you any ACTUAL help. I would rather kill myself than go to one of those hell holes. The staff is always rude and uncaring and you have literally no rights. Your not allowed anything not even a phone. It's like your a prisoner being punished for wanting to die. That's how i would describe it.
Then the fourth one the emdr one seemed to be helping at first but our last session just irritated me. We were talking about stuff that was extremely upsetting to me and then she expected me to do the grounding exercise. I was so upset and distraught i couldn't even do it. Instead of being patient and trying to help me she just said "well i can't help you unless you help yourself." I swear to god i wanted to smack her... Like seriously isn't this your job to help me? Your not even trying. She could have just talked me through it and helped me to calm down enough so i could instead of just putting it all on me and acting like it's my fault. And then when i told her about upsetting things i had seen online she acted like i went out of my way to see these things. I don't there just stuff i bumped into being on youtube or even just browsing online. Like how insulting and patronizing... I hate it when therapists do crap like that. Like they don't even take the time to understand they just assume crap. And then she didn't really even talk to me about it she just treated me like an idiot. Like again it's my fault because im the one intentionally seeking this stuff out. She just put the blame all on me.
So yeah im done with therapy. I know a lot of people on here have had a lot of luck and fortune with therapy but I don't believe it's necessary to heal and i don't think it helps everyone like people seem to think it does. It's too hard to find one thats decent and it's too expensive. I've had more luck working through my issues on my own. I feel like what would benefit me more than anything is simply going to college and meeting people and realizing the world isn't as bad as it seems to me. Also i've found that simply accepting my emotions instead of trying to ground myself or meditate is actually working better. Therapy tricked me into thinking that i had to do all this stuff to keep my emotions at bay but just allowing them to be there is helping. So yeah if anything i feel like therapy has done me more harm than good and was really just a waste of my time.
A couple of days ago I started caring for a little kitten that I found outside. He was the most adorable kitten ever.I fell in love with him the moment I saw him. He was super fluffy and his eyes were two different colors one blue and one green and he would always cuddle with me while i sat on the sofa. This morning he became completely unresponsive and a couple of hour later he died. I'm thinking he probably caught some disease from being outside around a bunch of sick cats. It just breaks my heart because I'm so tired of watching animals die especially kittens. Ever since I was a kid I've always been around stray cats and I've had to watch them suffer with horrible diseases and wounds. And it makes me sick cuz there's nothing i can do. I don't have the money to take them to the vet and the pound won't do crap. If you feed them than its your responsibility is their motto so what am i supposed to do let them starve? I just wish there was some free animal care place that would volunteer to treat stray cats and dogs around here. Like get them fixed and neutered and give them shots. Im tired of watching these cats suffer. All the cats around where I live are sickly. One can hardly eat and i have to feed him eggs and canned food every day cuz his teeth are so bad and another gets pregnant constantly and all her babies end up dead. My neighbor and I wake up to dead kittens in our yards. I just wish there was something I could do.