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About this blog

People often ask me why I'm so pessimistic. They ask me why I'm so depressed and anxious all the time. They ask me why I'm such an anti-social asshole. 

The answer, to me, is simple. Life is garbage and often times it seems that the people in it are even worse. 

This is full of so much teen angst I'm surprised it's not on some t-shirt. But unlike most edge lords I actually believe what I say. 

Entries in this blog

 

"Demons"

I did a bad thing. I was scrolling through Facebook the other day and just casually looking at memes, my favorite pass time. But Facebook always has your suggested friends that interrupts the memes every few post. And in those suggested friends, I saw my rapist. I stared at his photo for a moment just kind of disgusted. He looked so happy and care free. I know I shouldn't have done it but... I clicked the profile.  I didn't realize how active he had been the past few months. I thought he wa

AlyssaLane

AlyssaLane

 

Semester One

It's been a long time and a lot of things have changed. I wish that I could say that everything was okay and normal, but in all honesty, my first semester in college was not at all what I had expected. I was expecting this new chapter in life where I would be more happy and that everything would finally be okay. Of course, however, that was not the case at all. I had a very lonely, isolated, shitty time in pretty much every aspect of college.  I don't really have very many friends anymore.

AlyssaLane

AlyssaLane

 

Tipton

Ms. Tipton is my old APUSH teacher. And has somehow managed to become one of my best friends. Now, I know that sounds bizarre and probably kind of silly, but it's true. From the start, she always knew when something was wrong with me. In February of 2017, my ex girlfriend of a year and half, had cheated on me and broken up with me. And this woman, who barely knew me at the time, was the only one who helped me. Naturally, I wasn't being myself. No one else noticed or if they did, they didn't

AlyssaLane

AlyssaLane

 

Happiness

I've only been moved out for a few days now, but I feel like I'm actually kind of happy for the first time in a while. Ever since I moved in, I haven't woken up feeling like shit or being unhappy. I really hope this is a feeling that sticks, because I really like it. I have motivation for things now, and although I have my shit moments throughout the day, each day is actually kind of a good day. That is not something I ever could have said before.  I think being in that house was a big caus

AlyssaLane

AlyssaLane

 

Progress

I finally moved out of the house I've called home for the past 12 years of my life.  For some reason, I feel like this is going to be the start of something great. I have spent so many years in that house just being depressed and alone. But I'm finally out and in my own living space. I feel like I'm finally free, though I do really miss my dog.  I have a lot of roommates. We all have our own rooms, except me and one other girl. I guess I just have shitty luck. I've come to learn that a

AlyssaLane

AlyssaLane

 

Instability

I finally got a job. I had been applying pretty much everywhere, everyday, since June. Applying for jobs basically became my job, only it only lead to constant disappointment and I didn't get paid.  I even got a job at one my favorite fast food places. So now I get half priced food of pretty much my favorite food. This all sounds great, in theory, but there's a huge problem with my job that I'm not sure I'm going to be able to handle.  I applied to every location, except one, for a ver

AlyssaLane

AlyssaLane

 

Scholarship

A few months ago, I was awarded an alumni scholarship from my high school. Every year they post the winners with their picture and biography.  In my biography, I wrote about what happened to me. I left in how I was assaulted when I was 11 and it's going to be posted on a public website where a lot of people I know are likely going to see it.  Normally, the idea of this would bring me to pain and tears and I would be having an anxiety attack at the very idea of doing such a thing. But f

AlyssaLane

AlyssaLane

 

Sleep

I can't sleep. I can never sleep. All summer I haven't been able to sleep. This could be either due to a certain "anniversary" or because my sister is always around while I'm trying to sleep. I can't sleep with someone awake around me. I don't know why. I also can't sleep without backround noise. And I have to be hugging something. A blanket, a pillow. Doesn't matter. I always need a fan. Even in the winter I turn it on so it's really cold.  On nights where I'm hot I have nightmares ag

AlyssaLane

AlyssaLane

 

Bicycle

I'm at the top of a hill, taking a break. Breathless. Exhausted. I've only been riding a few days. And it has become both the best and worst part of my life.  The hill is long and steep and, and the intersecting road that lies at the end is incredibly busy. Cars whirling by, horns blaring at one another, drivers shouting harsh words, and children sitting clueless in the back seats. All of these things slowly become a complete blur.  I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I push the bi

AlyssaLane

AlyssaLane

 

Island

Why am I so fucking alone?  I exist like I'm on an island. In the middle of nowhere. An island that is uncharted and unexplored. Full of disgusting, deadly, and dangerous animals are creatures that the human mind can barely comprehend. Parasites that could kill you in an instant. Beasts that could swallow you whole. And I'm tasked with the sole task of survival.  Everyday, I see planes soar by overhead. I hear boats slowly cost by. And none of the people aboard even bother to give me a

AlyssaLane

AlyssaLane

 

Pointless

Everything I do is pointless.  I can hear sirens screaming from the streets outside. Whirling past my house-back and forth. All night. Every night. Most nights I can't help but wish they were for me. Not because anything awful was done to me-- God knows I don't want that again. But because I finally did something awful to myself. That for once I did something that wasn't.  I could do a million things. And I would never change. I could be the polar opposite of what I am now and I would

AlyssaLane

AlyssaLane

 

Fantasy

I've always imagined what my life would be like if I were never raped. I made a list, once. I wrote down every single thing I wish I was, that I knew be if that never happened. And then I wrote down everything I was because of it. It was a long list. I felt disgusted with myself and who I have become.  I thought of the people in my life who are happy and optimistic. I thought about how envious I was of their ability to see the good in people and the good in life. I looked in the mirror and

AlyssaLane

AlyssaLane

 

Drowning

I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean. The cold, bitter ocean. Alone. I see ships pass by and planes fly over and I call out. But no one  hears me. No one stops to help me. I'm trying--really hard to stay afloat. I'm viciously kicking in the water. I'm flailing, desperately just trying to survive.  I'm going under. Sinking below the surface deeper into the waters below. It's dark and it's freezing and I'm alone.  I'm gasping for air and my lungs are filling with water. I'm exhaust

AlyssaLane

AlyssaLane

 

Reconciliation

Sometimes, I still feel like that child. That scared shitless kid hiding in a closet, hoping that all of this will end. Waiting for the yelling to stop and for the threat to go away. Hoping that this won't happen again. That I'll be okay and that I can just go about my life normally like I did before all of this began. Deep down, I'm still that 11 year old girl who feels the hope depleting from their spirit. Who feels the light drain from their life. She's still there.  When most people loo

AlyssaLane

AlyssaLane

 

Support

For many years, I fought my battles alone. I barricaded myself with the idea that I did need anyone else to get what I was going through. In my mind, every other person was just an intruder. Almost as if letting someone else in was like opening my doors wide open to some kind of attack. I felt like I would have been more vulnerable than Poland during WWII. Germany would invade, and I would be left defenseless.  However, every country needs allies and every person-- a friend.  Although

AlyssaLane

AlyssaLane

 

Days Go By

The days go by. Slowly. One by one. Life travels sometimes at what feels like a snail's pace. Everyday is just another trial of what I can really get through. Or another test of whether or not I can make it.  Some days, I wake up and I won't to put a bullet in my head. Getting up feels impossible. Survival feels improbable. I have a hard time seeing any reason to be alive anymore. I feel hopeless. Worthless. Like a shell of a human being. I'm not who I used to be. I'm nothing like who I use

AlyssaLane

AlyssaLane

 

Bird

Do any of you ever wish that maybe you could just leave? Not just your surroundings but your body. Just leave your entire self behind. I just always feel so trapped. My weird feelings about wanting to leave myself often make me so uncomfortable I refuse look in mirrors. I don't look at my own body in the shower. I get anxious trying to sleep at night because all I can feel is my own body-- this weird sense of self awareness that I can't get rid of. That's literally the weirdest kind of thing to

AlyssaLane

AlyssaLane

 

I Remember Falling

It was during the summer of this past year. My friend invited me to a party. Parties, naturally, have never been my thing. I hate big groups of people. In my mind, at least one person in a crowd could be evil .They could be a murderer or a rapist. I have trust issues. I trusted my step brother almost 7 years ago now and just look where that got me.  I don't remember much of the party. I do know now, though, that I really can't handle my liquor. I shouldn't drink it. I knew that going into i

AlyssaLane

AlyssaLane

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