And So, I Write...

So... Friday night, my boyfriend and I went to the movie theater for the 9pm showing of Deadpool 2. The theater is in our town, which made it a convenient location. 
We went in to our theater, and as we were looking for the seats, I saw my former best friend's brother. M. He was also a former best friend...
As we walked by their aisle and towards the back, I gripped the back of my boyfriend's shirt. We got into an aisle and took our seats, and my boyfriend turned around and looked at me. 
"What's the matter?"
I could only stare at the back of his head. I just felt overwhelmingly hurt and angry. 
"Babe?" 
I finally told him who it was that I was staring at. 
"That friend... who's boyfriend assaulted me... that's her brother right there. He was also a best friend." 
My boyfriend comforted me and asked if I wanted to leave. I said 'No.'

I enjoyed the movie and eventually ignored his existence. As the movie let out, I stayed in my seat until he left the theater. 
When we walked outside, I had my boyfriend walk me to my car. Luckily, he was parked on the other side of the lot. 
I drove off, seeing him talking to a girl, next to his vehicle. 

I texted a mutual friend, who used to be best friends with all of us. His name is K. 
I told him who I saw, and he asked if M said anything to me. I replied no. 
I remember how M, K and I would go out to bars together, drink and talk and have a great time... those were the good ol' days... until I became best friend's with M's sister. 
Now that whole family deserted me and chose my attacker's side. 

June is upon us, and then July.
July is the month I find out if I go to trial or not.  

So I was curious and creeped on my former best friend's instagram...
I don't know why I thought anything would be different. I look on there, in hopes to see that one day, that they would break up...
But no, she still chose to see him, the monster who sexually assaulted me. She still is with me, and I'm angry...
It's upsetting, and it makes me physically ill to my stomach... 
But I can't wish bad on them, because the court date is coming up, and all I can do is be hopeful that everything will go in my favor. 

Maybe then, they'll see...

I'm guilty of being insecure.. I know I am. My boyfriend knows I am.
Yesterday, I texted him, "I can't do this anymore." He texted me that we should talk in person.
We met up at a sushi restaurant.. I thought he was gonna buy me dinner, but come to find out, he wanted to talk there over some drinks. I told him this wasn't the place for it,  because I could end up crying.. 
So after we finished our drinks, we went out to his car to talk. 
I talked about my problem with the girl on his FB, he told me that I am the one he's with, and that the only thing we fight about in the 7 months we've been together is about Facebook. He said I shouldn't worry, and that I do have nothing to worry about. 
I started tearing up... He held my hand. I looked over at him and it looked like he was about to cry. 
I wanted so badly for him to say he loves me, but right there, in that moment, I could see it on his face. Love.
"I don't want to quit on us." 

I started crying and he held me, telling me not to cry. Begging me to not to cry. In that moment, it seemed like everything that I was worried and paranoid over just seemed minuscule... I realized I was being irrational. 

He asked me to come over and cuddle, and I agreed, even though he would have to get up around 4:30am. 
We got back to his house and went to bed, and just laid in each other's arms. 
Every kiss felt perfect. That moment felt perfect. 
Waking up was hard; he kept hitting snooze and cuddling me. 

I realized in those moments how much I do love this man, and I want to be with him. 
As he got ready for work, and we went out to our cars to go our separate ways, we kissed and hugged. There was an awkward pause, where I thought he would say it... but nothing, and it was perfectly okay with that. 

I realized yesterday that my severe mood swings - from crying and breaking down, to being tempted to hurt myself, to just feeling dead inside.. is rapid cycling. 
My bipolar disorder.
I took two 75mg pills today of my medicine, instead of just one. I think an increase is needed. Tomorrow, I see my therapist... I hope we have a long talk.

We have been together for 7 months... and yet, he can't say the "L" word. 
I slipped during a Christmas party in a drunken stupor... and he told me it was too soon. 
I said it, again, to him around January. 
Again, he said it was too soon. He told me, "I can't say it until I actually feel it. I can't even comprehend such a word, there's no way I can just throw it out so easily." 
I brought it up to him last month, how he hasn't said it, and he accused me of trying to pressure him into saying it. 

His actions say it, and I know the ol' saying "actions speak louder than words"... but I want to hear it. 
I want to be told that I mean something. That I'm important. That I matter. 
The silence is deadly. 

I feel like I'm hurting every day. 

I'm telling him today that I need space... 

I really don't want to break up with him, I want to make it work, but I'm feeling so worthless and down on myself, that I just can't seem to function. 

Give me strength to not hurt anymore...