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Musings

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About this blog

I've been working through a lot of things, and I love to journal and write to process my thoughts and attempt to untangle all of the feelings and beliefs and nonsense in my head...if I write anything I feel is worth sharing or at least making more permanent, I will add it here.

Entries in this blog

 

I am not a Phoenix

Well you know what they say about the best laid plans... I have planned for so many things, I have wanted so much that never seems to come about.  I wanted to get a certain job, I wanted to lose weight before a big trip, I wanted a boyfriend or at least a not disastrous sexual experience, and I wanted to live by the ocean.  I wanted to learn to surf and marry a wealthy, funny, handsome, kind gentleman.   Whats more I wanted a dad I could love, one who would surprise me with pancakes and be

rsilver15

rsilver15

 

My Brother

I'm feeling pretty on edge right now, just messed up. Not a great way to feel on a Sunday night before a long work week (or anytime, I guess). Why are families so fucked up so much of the time? I had a decent weekend; I went to the beach, I talked with people over a beer, it was good. I called my Grandma, she was sad because she hasn't spoken to my brother in 3 years (I haven't in longer than that) and she was wondering if she should invite him to Michigan when she goes this year. I said, what c

rsilver15

rsilver15

 

Acceptance

Feeling accepted is one of the most important pieces to overall well-being, in my opinion.  For the longest time, I was convinced that no one could ever accept me, not if they really knew me...I thought that I was broken, that I had some internal, innate part of me that was unloveable and unworthy of compassion or acceptance.  I've slowly been changing that, layer by layer, and while there is definitely still a small core part of me that is always there to whisper those terrible thoughts to me,

rsilver15

rsilver15

 

What you taught me

You taught me so much I wish I hadn't learned. You taught me that caring is weakness, that trust will be betrayed, that vulnerability will be preyed upon. You taught me to hide, to guard, to pretend instead of letting people see, instead of sharing how I feel. You taught me to doubt, you taught me to be wary, cautious, and mistrusting.  You taught me that good things can't last, that people will let you down, will choose their own comfort over others safety. You taught m

rsilver15

rsilver15

 

Nature/nurture

I've been feeling depressed lately. In the true, medical sense of things - I feel chemically imbalanced; fatigued, hopeless, withdrawn, with a physical feeling of heaviness, sadness, that I can't shake off. I start to cry over nothing, I constantly stifle inner dialogues that go something like "this will never get better," "it could, it will, maybe"..."no one loves you," "yes, they do.". I may be off about this - I haven't had my neurotransmitters tested lately, but I feel like this is a differe

rsilver15

rsilver15

 

Wings, or Roots?

I have been traveling for work for the past year - I get a contract for about 3 months, and work and explore and then move on. It has been so interesting and I have learned a lot about myself, but I have been lonely and feeling this yearning for security and comfort and familiarity.  That is the big struggle in life, right? We crave both security and freedom but to really have one, we have to give up the other.  I've always felt called to the freedom side of things, and whatever I've done, I've

rsilver15

rsilver15

 

Connections

I took a health assessment today as part of my new insurance plan.  It rated my wellness in several areas and apparently, while I am doing a good job of maintaining a healthy weight and active lifestyle, I avoid tobacco and I stay up to date on vaccines, I am not healthy because I don't have strong social connections.  It's funny because this is a theme I return to again and again in my mind; however well other things are going, however long it's been since I've had a panic attack or suicidal th

rsilver15

rsilver15

 

Life is...

Life is, in a word, ridiculous.  I will never understand how people can go through life with complete faith in one thing, when things happen daily that cause me to question everything I think I know!  Sometimes I feel like there has to be a loving God looking out for us, but other times I feel like however we got here, we’re on our own now.  It is hard to reconcile the evidence when it is so contradictory.  On the one hand, you have man’s capacity for love and intimate relationships, free will a

rsilver15

rsilver15

 

What I Accept, and What I Don't

I've been writing recently about things that I accept or things that I can 'allow' myself to do, and also things that I don't need to accept, and I've found it helpful.  What are some things you feel you can allow yourself to feel/do? And things you can let go of and realize you don't need? For me, right now: I'm allowed to take care of myself. I'm allowed to say no. I'm allowed to do what feels right, comfortable, and safe for me, I don't need to justify or apologize or

rsilver15

rsilver15

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