No matter how much I feel like I'm improving or feeling better or handling things better, some days seem impossible to get through. The past month has felt too hard. It takes everything in me to force myself to go to work and smile and be "on". I feel drained despite not really doing much. I feel unloved. I feel a million different things and none of them seem to be good. Nothing is interesting anymore to me either. I'm irritated by everyone and everything. I hope these entries aren't too repetitive, this is the only place I feel safe saying how I feel and what I'm thinking. I don't really have anybody to talk to and keeping a physical journal is always a bust. I always end up giving up on it or not writing in it. At least this way, nobody knows who I am and nobody that I know will ever find this or ever read it and that brings me a lot of comfort.
The biggest things bothering me lately are feeling like I'm not doing enough and feeling unloved in general, by everyone. I'm working a retail job that gives me hardly any hours and I'm barely scraping by on bills. I got a different job recently but I haven't started yet and I'm just feeling impatient. I'm hoping that this new job doesn't make me feel the way my current one does but I'm sure that any job would make me feel this way, it's probably due to my depression. I feel like I've started everything too late and I'm running out of time. Sometimes the inevitability of an ending to my life overwhelms me so much and makes me feel so lost and scared. There isn't any comfort in an ending for me, I just end up feeling like I'm wasting my time and at the end of my life I'll have nothing to show for myself. I fear being alone forever and never having a family and never finding a place where I feel at home and safe and comfortable. I'm just afraid of so many things.
It's embarrassing to say out loud but I feel like nobody loves me. Even my mom. I feel like the people who claim to love me just go through the motions and they don't actually mean what they say. I struggle with feeling worthy of anything. How am I even deserving of love? I'm not a good person despite what everyone seems to think. It's like nobody really knows me or something. Nobody knows all of the awful things I've done or the way I've treated people. How manipulative and mean spirited I've been in the past. I want so badly to be good and kind and honest and to love myself but at this point, is it too late for any of that? I think maybe it might be.
It's days like today that I just want to lay in a quiet room and daydream about disappearing and going somewhere where nobody knows me. I just want to be left alone and stop being a burden on everyone in my life.
I know that getting in to a relationship right now isn't the best idea for me. I'm aware of that, I repeat this fact to myself all of the time. I still want to find someone to spend my life with. I just want to find someone that I love and who loves me back who'll work with me to build a good, strong relationship and I don't think I'm ever going to find that person. I hate when I voice this to people and they try and tell me that I have plenty of time but I don't want to hear that. I just want someone to listen to me for once. I know how pathetic I sound when I say I want to find a man but it's how I feel, I can't help it. Even now I'm tearing up because I don't know when it'll happen for me and I just feel so lonely. I can't keep going on the way I am, seeing J and sleeping with him and going through the motions of being in a relationship without any commitment. He could walk away from me at any moment and I'm so SICK of feeling that way! Of feeling uncertain. I want a sure thing, I want commitment.
I'm sad. I want a hug. I want to be isolated and alone at the same time. I just want someone to listen to me and tell me that everything is going to be OK but I have nobody and I'm tired of having nobody, not even a friend to reach out to. My family will never be there for me, they don't care about me and they don't have time for me.
I'm alone. I will continue to be alone for a long time, most likely and I'm just going to have to get used to that. I'm going to have to let this sadness go and try and move on and live and push myself to be OK and live my life.I need to grow up and go to work every day and be an adult and a normal person. I want so badly for the good things to come but I'm afraid they never will.