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About this blog

How Talk Therapy helps in my daily life 

Entries in this blog

#10 Riding The Roller-coaster

Today we discovered something unbelievable. We were struggling with why when i feel I hurt someone etc. that I am terrible. Just before I'd been feeling great. Why does this catapult me to the bottom? It's like a roller-coaster. And it's not fun. I want stability.  Example: I was feeling like a 9 out of 10 and then I was reprimanded and shoot down to a 3. Here is the deal. First of all, that I did something awkward should not tell me I'm terrible. So why do I feel that way? Cuz i
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#5 Other people care

I've always felt that noone cares about me. Even if they said they care. BECAUSE WHY SHOULD THEY CARE ABOUT ME? I'M DAMAGED BOTHERSOME BORING HURTFUL...                  I never felt that my therapist cares. It is a foreign  concept to me: Why should someone else care about me? I couldn't get the logic. So whenever people                                                     would do anything nice for me  I'd think they are pitying me, if even.  Then last summer I was feeling terrible. My men
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# 13 Constructive Destruction

Back at my house I'm being triggered & thrown off in ways I don't even realize.  A certain blanket a horn instruments a bathroom I was feeling not in control. Helpless. My body was reacting to all this. I took a hammer and destroyed his horn. I'm slowly retaking control. Got rid of the blanket self talk controlling & choosing my food intake. 
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Let's try Tool #1

I find it hard to look at all people in the face. Why? maybe cuz I feel so ashamed. maybe cuz I am so afraid of what people think about what i say and do. can i look at them? I'm scared. What could happen? They will see who I am. What am I? a dirty worthless rag who always acts awkward. Can't they see what I did today. And I'm so much worse than them, my body doesn't cooperate.  Well, I learned something new:  people only see the part of me that they are interacting with. The bus-driver onl
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#11 Processing Hurtful Interactions

The secretary of the clinic  spoke to me very curtly and I felt very hurt. It's happened like this many times and it's an important aspect to address. My T and my mentor both would never speak that way to me. My T explained that it's because of our relationship. Other people will not know or be considerate with what hurts me.  I used tools like that she doesn't know me in a personal way so she isn't sensitive to it. Or that she was having a hard day or that she is just an insensitive h
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#12 Permission to Feel Hurt

People have always said to me that if I feel bad cuz someone hurt me it's my fault that the only one who hurts me is me.  Forever I hated that. I'd try to not be hurt & obviously that didn't work.  My therapist and I were exploring the concept how when someone hurts me what i should focus on is not about that person, that he's bad and did the wrong thing. Even though that may be. What matters the most for me is how it is affecting me. That person may never apologize, so where
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My Blogs

#18 Fear Of How Others Perceive Me

One of the hardest parts of being abused was isolation. I felt cut off from the world. I felt like everyone else in the world is more valuable than me, I was ashamed for wasting their time on me. I was worthless, and they were so successful. They seemed so confident and in control and competent. I was jealous honestly. And I understand my jealousy. I would think, their problems are so small. Additionally, and perhaps much more powerful was my feeling of degradation because I knew I couldn't cont
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#4 Ending/Blocking Relationships

People always hurt me. I always have felt everyone is against me. I mean if they hurt me I can't think of them as friends. And so I blocked them out. Truthfully it's very hard to be getting attacked every second. I realized that sometimes the person who hurt me isn't malicious. They might not despise me and hate me. they didn't hurt me because they don't respect me, just that they are regular thoughtless hurtful people. When they hurt me should I end any relationship?          
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Tool #2

Though I've created a fair day for myself, going home is always so difficult. So we wanted to talk about why. they expect me to help. but i clean my own appt., so why is it harder there? Because i know how i want it to be so i have freedom of how to do it. Also when i'm doing it for mom i feel like i'm trying to please her. And she's the one who decides if i did a good job. Then i'll feel so dumb. Also when i was very young the abuser forced me to serve him. so we discovered some
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#7 Am I Always Worthless?

Interesting I realized yesterday at the western wall that i always tell myself how worthless and bad i am whenever i do something dumb or hurt other people. So I couldn't understand, why can't i let myself believe i'm good just i made a mistake?  Then I realized something. If I concede that people can do bad things and still be good then i might have to forgive my abuser, maybe he's --------------  i can't say it because it's too painful to think less than complete revulsion for him. 
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Intro

It's so important for us to bring tools we learn in therapy into our life. often we don't feel things are changing or getting better. When we use the tools we talk about in therapy we become stronger.  Of course it takes practice but........ if we notice our progress we can feel we are moving toward a better life. Ultimately we are trying to hopefully achieve a better present and a future.  I hope this blog will help us see more how to integrate what we learn i
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The Structure

I think the structure will be writing a tool how i tried it what happened  and work with it for a week and see how i feel about the process   of course i welcome comments and tips about everything!
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Tool # 3

Lots of times I get hurt from even small slights, like even if someone made a joke that casts me in a negative way. Then people say 'don't be so sensitive'. And even like if someone closes a door I feel like they thought I was listening in. Then I feel guilty and depression and anxiety. These things happen countless times a day. When I talk to someone I read their body language that they are bored or that I said the wrong thing. My therapist said that if you wear glasses that are tinted red
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# 6 Why I Feel Terrible/ Victim Identity

For so long I've felt so empty. The only emotions I experienced were sad pain hurt excruciating shame anxiety guilt worthlessness and more. The issue is, how can I have any positive emotions? I felt it was impossible In therapy we explored the realization that it is all part of my identity as a victim. The definition of a good day was when nothing happened that would cause me those feelings. I realized that all these are how I exist. My talents and achievements were not being considere
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#8 Hurts So Much

So I think I should write about why I get so hurt when people say stuff or criticize etc. Because it really affects me. At times it made me feel like ******* myself. But when you tell them they totally don't get it, what did they tell me that was so bad that would make me feel that way? But the fact is that it does. What's going on? My T helped me understand this with a simile. Like if I have a bruise cuz I fell and got a serious bruise on my arm. Then someone goes and elbows me, hitti
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#9 Feeling Abandoned

I was reminded of an important realization we talked about in therapy. For so long I have struggled with feelings of loneliness and abandonment. Where is it coming from? But in speaking about  this I found being turned into a toy(another topic) and existing on an entirely different plane of existence from the ptsd and depression I was totally alone. It was an alternate world. I was so alone. So alone. So I had no friends etc. What I now understand is that I felt abandoned and rejected by my
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My Blogs

#14 Welcome To More!

Well guys, I've been away for quite some time! During that time I've learned a few things about myself and life (to say the least!) How do I feel coming back? I feel a lump in my heart. I remember the sadness and pain I was in when I wrote my blogs, and the help and camaraderie that you all offered. It was very dark. I remember feeling nothing would or could get better. I remember the loneliness I always felt in the world. I remember not being able to even write the letter I in capital
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My Blogs

#15 daily life

What I thought about today I am fighting to create a "Day" for myself. It's so hard for me to be consistent. I've honestly tried but I never figured it out. I realized recently that I didn't really have anything to get up for. It's nice to know that I want to have a productive day and it's so important to acknowledge that I don't feel satisfied about each day, but how do I fill that time?  First I thought I was just hopelessly lethargic. My new therapist challenged me. He said, maybe I
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My Blogs

#17 Grief When A Loved One Passes

I have experienced a lot of isolation and I know I would not feel sad if many people passed away. However some would matter. How do we handle grief, especially when we have PTSD so we experience things at much greater intensity. Particularly when there's a feeling of guilt. Just yesterday I came across a woman who gave permission to pull the plug on her dad.  The first thing is to try to take good memories of them and highlight them in your mind. Share it. Write it down. It can be a wa
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