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My mind

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About this blog

I wanted to have a place to put my thoughts for people who can relate with how I feel and understand what I’m going through 

Entries in this blog

Today’s session

Today in counseling my counselor asked me how I would feel going every 2 weeks instead of every week. I kinda just wanted to get up and walk out and say fuck you but I know she didn’t mean it In a bad way but I feel like maybe she’s trying to push me away. I don’t want to change things up right now. I finally feel like we are making progress and I’m finally finding a way to be okay with things. She said I made really good progress but I don’t know about that. I can manage to manipulate my brain

Survive95

Survive95

Don’t wanna be alone

I hadn’t wanted to be home all day. I don’t want to be alone I don’t want to be alone I won’t really be alone I’ll have my kids but its still not the same. I feel so crappy I’m scared if I’m at home I might do something stupid and I’m trying not to do that. There’s so much I need to get done but I don’t want to be alone. It would even be ok if someone would just talk to me on the phone while I do everything I just hate it!!!

Survive95

Survive95

Ugh

I just want to scream and cry at the same time I feel so much hatred pain and I feel so hurt I just don’t know what to do anymore😭😞🤬🤯

Survive95

Survive95

Todays session

Today I went to counseling and I realized how much hate I have towards some people I realized that the people I thought cared about me really doesn’t I just want them to care about me and I hate it cause I have such a grudge towards my mom and I just really don’t want to talk to her anymore I’m so tired of wanting people to love me and to care and they are the ones that don’t care about the way I feel I hate that I’m in such a bad place and that I keep trying to push my husband away it’s definet

Survive95

Survive95

Feeling pathetic

I’m having such a bad night I just wish it could be over with already!! I just wish I didnt have to feel this depression I’m feeling. Like I’m so down in a funk and I can’t get out. I hate not being able to talk to anyone about it. I know I can call someone but I don’t want to be a bother to them. I don’t want them to feel like I’m a burden or I’m pestering them about my stupid problems. I keep trying to push through all these feelings and I just end up finding myself sitting on the couch crying

Survive95

Survive95

Made a step forward but feel like I’m falling

Today has been a long rough day all together I feel like if it wasn’t one thing it’s another!!! I had counseling today and I decided I was gonna write a letter to my abuser and send it off... I hate the unknown of not knowing if he’s gonna open it or the unknown is what drives me even crazier. I’m the type that constantly has to be in control and when I’m not I get anxious and stressed out and depressed and I don’t know how to handle it!! I hate feeling this way!!! Now I’m stuck have stupid Fath

Survive95

Survive95

weird trrigger`??

so this morning it was really foggy and you couldn't even see the next stop sign a block away from you. As I was driving to drop my kids off I felt a pressure in my chest AMD fear just came over me and all of a sudden I was so scared and so paranoid I didn't know what to do. I was on a highway so I couldn't just pull over so I made it to drop my kids off. But I was so scared to get out of my car I kept thinking someone as going to run up on is and R me while my kids stood there and cried. I fina

Survive95

Survive95

Feeling a little lost and blind

Today has been a sucky day. I woke up in he middle of the night to feed my son just to wake up to pink eye... like seriously pink eye? Now I can’t wear my contacts for a while to let my eye heal and my glasses still haven’t came in so I can’t drive, I can hardly see anything. Tomorrow I have counseling and I really don’t want to cancel it... but I can’t drive at all. I would be okay canceling it but I actually really need to talk to her. I mean I could ask my mom to take me and each my kids but

Survive95

Survive95

Confused and worried

So I got to work today and I just couldn’t face my friend today now that she knows my biggest secret I have I’ve told her secrets before but now she knows the biggest one I have so all day today I’ve been avoiding her at all coast I feel like things have changed like she looks at me differently no and now we are going to lunch tomorrow together and I don’t know what to do now what if she asks me what happened or what if she asks me about the time I had to climb out of a window to avoid being R a

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Survive95

Hm

So apparently I have a face that I make when I start having one of my “moments” where I just kinda start freaking out inside. I never knew I had one tell it was pointed out to me. Now I feel like I have to be more aware so I can try to hid it even more. 

Survive95

Survive95

Me myself and my thoughts

As I sit here on the coach just wanting and needing someone to talk to I have no one I thought I finally had someone to talk to it ended up not working out and no I’m all alone again with no one to talk to with no one who cares just me myself and my thoughts and that’s the worst possible thing that can happen at this moment I just want to give up and say F*** it all!! 

Survive95

Survive95

Feeling worthless

I figured if I kept telling myself I was okay then maybe I would be okay but i guess it doesn’t work that way I’m feel so fragil and so vulnerable and so angry I’m so mad at myself and everyone else I can’t seem to deal anymore I just want it all to be over with all ready 

Survive95

Survive95

Nervous about tomorrow’s session

I’m very nervous about my session tomorrow I’m finally going to finish my telling my story out loud for the first time ever I’ve instructed her to push me so I won’t just sit there in quiet and not say anything or even change the topic I’m ready for it but then I don’t want to do it 

Survive95

Survive95

Everything’s falling apart

I ended up having a horrible night!! Me and my husband got into a fight and I told him I wanted to leave. He wants to blame it on the fact that I’m having a hard time dealing with my triggers and everything emotionally and it’s not just that. It pisses me off that he uses the fact that I struggle everyday to get out of bed because I’m afraid of what might happen as an excuse for him to be dismissive towards me and it makes me so mad that he does that!! The fact that I’m going through stuff doesn

Survive95

Survive95

Tomorrow’s session

So I have counseling tomorrow and I’m actually looking forward to think it. I never thought I would be excited to go talk about how fucked up my life is but I actually feel like maybe it is helping. I’m looking forward to talking about this past week and how crazy it’s been and how well I’ve done and managed no to cut even though there was plenty of opportunities to do so. I’m kinda skeptical about telling my story out loud. It’s qlot easier to write it down then it is to say it out loud. I actu

Survive95

Survive95

Having a break down

O feel so tired and so overwhelmed like I don’t know what to do anymore I know I’ve said it before but this feeling keeps getting stronger and stronger and every day gets harder and harder my mom keeps calling and messaging me and she keeps saying sorry. To be honest FUCK her appoligy I don’t want her to appoligize!! I’m so tired of everyone saying how all these people need me! FUCK MAN WHAT ABOUT ME!! What about what I need. To be honest I don’t even know what I need. I feel like I’m falling of

Survive95

Survive95

Depressed

I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting I feel like cutting

Survive95

Survive95

23 today...oh well

so today’s my 23 birthday and instead of enjoying it and embracing the fact I’ve lived another year I’m depressed and crying!!! I keep thinking I’m going to go check the mail and imma have a card and a dream catcher in there from my dad. But I know that’s not gonna happen not after what he’s done. I remember growing up every year he would make me one and send it to me with a card. I know it wasn’t much but it’s the thought that count. He was still in jail and managed to do something special for

Survive95

Survive95

Having a crappy day

I’m having such a crappy day today. All I want to do is cuddle with my husband. All he wants to do is talk about what’s wrong. I don’t want to talk about what’s wrong. I just want to lay in bed on his chest it makes me feel safe and warm. I just want to feel like everything for once is okay and nothing else in the world matters!! I wish this day could just end already!!!! I keep having stupid flash backs and I keep getting yelled at ughh!! I just want to cry

Survive95

Survive95

Random thoughts

I’m known for doing some really crappy stuff and I just admit I do t mean to hurt people!! I swear sometimes I try to turn my emotions off and it doesn’t work that well. I try to hide and forget and even try to cover up all the pain and hurt I feel but it doesn’t always seem to work. I try to make the best of things and some times I make things even worse. I put my foot in my mouth often and I can’t take anything back. I try to run and hide and keep everything inside. I try to act like I’m alrig

Survive95

Survive95

Stupid sleep

So tonight I slept on the couch cause my husband and the kids were cuddling in our bed so peacefully and I was so tired I just wanted to sleep so I left them in there I chugged a beer before bed so I could actually relax and sleep( I know but it’s my choice of easy relaxation without having to try to hard) so I finally fall fast asleep and all of a sudden I’m dream about a friend from work and I hear a really loud clap like not in my dream but I’m real life and I jump and I completely freak out

Survive95

Survive95

Entry 1

I like to write as a way to help coupe with everything I’ve been through so I decided instead maybe I’ll start a blog and put it all on here for others to read and maybe I’ll post something that might help someone else or maybe not maybe nobody will even read my blog but ig it’s a chance I’m going to take

Survive95

Survive95

Ugh

Today I’m feeling so lost. I just want to stay home I don’t even want to be here at work. Last night my mom called me and was telling me my brother wanted to see me and wanted to talk to me and that we were siblings and we needed to act like it. Like seriously he should of acted like it when we were growing up and he was being a douche bag to me and before he decided to stick his nasty ass hands down my pants!! He should of thought about that every time he would barge in when I was taking a show

Survive95

Survive95

My court experience

I remember meeting the detectives that investigated my case. I was just a kid in the 7th grade trying to make it through jr high and now I had to deal with going to court and talking to strangers. I can’t remember there names but I remember the guy was so tall and built and he made me feel like nothing or nobody could ever hurt me while he was around. I can remember how when we first got to the police station and I went into there office they gave me a bear and started asking me questions about

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Survive95

It happened

Yesterday was a horrible day I did end up having a break down at work and I had to tell one of the managers what was wrong so I could leave I feel absolutely defeated I always promised myself I would never break in public or infront of people and that’s exactly what happened now I don’t even want to go to work I know I have nothing to worry about because people at my job are understanding and my boss is amazing and won’t make a big deal about it as long as I’m okay but now I have to go face thes

Survive95

Survive95

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