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My mind

A blog by Survive95 in General

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About this blog

I wanted to have a place to put my thoughts for people who can relate with how I feel and understand what I’m going through 

Entries in this blog

Don’t wanna be alone

I hadn’t wanted to be home all day. I don’t want to be alone I don’t want to be alone I won’t really be alone I’ll have my kids but its still not the same. I feel so crappy I’m scared if I’m at home I might do something stupid and I’m trying not to do that. There’s so much I need to get done but I don’t want to be alone. It would even be ok if someone would just talk to me on the phone while I do everything I just hate it!!!
Survive95

Survive95

6

Hm

So apparently I have a face that I make when I start having one of my “moments” where I just kinda start freaking out inside. I never knew I had one tell it was pointed out to me. Now I feel like I have to be more aware so I can try to hid it even more. 
Survive95

Survive95

4

Todays session

Today I went to counseling and I realized how much hate I have towards some people I realized that the people I thought cared about me really doesn’t I just want them to care about me and I hate it cause I have such a grudge towards my mom and I just really don’t want to talk to her anymore I’m so tired of wanting people to love me and to care and they are the ones that don’t care about the way I feel I hate that I’m in such a bad place and that I keep trying to push my husband away it’s definet
Survive95

Survive95

4

Today’s session

Today in counseling my counselor asked me how I would feel going every 2 weeks instead of every week. I kinda just wanted to get up and walk out and say fuck you but I know she didn’t mean it In a bad way but I feel like maybe she’s trying to push me away. I don’t want to change things up right now. I finally feel like we are making progress and I’m finally finding a way to be okay with things. She said I made really good progress but I don’t know about that. I can manage to manipulate my brain
Survive95

Survive95

4

Ugh

I just want to scream and cry at the same time I feel so much hatred pain and I feel so hurt I just don’t know what to do anymore😭😞🤬🤯
Survive95

Survive95

3

Confused and worried

So I got to work today and I just couldn’t face my friend today now that she knows my biggest secret I have I’ve told her secrets before but now she knows the biggest one I have so all day today I’ve been avoiding her at all coast I feel like things have changed like she looks at me differently no and now we are going to lunch tomorrow together and I don’t know what to do now what if she asks me what happened or what if she asks me about the time I had to climb out of a window to avoid being R a
Survive95

Survive95

3

weird trrigger`??

so this morning it was really foggy and you couldn't even see the next stop sign a block away from you. As I was driving to drop my kids off I felt a pressure in my chest AMD fear just came over me and all of a sudden I was so scared and so paranoid I didn't know what to do. I was on a highway so I couldn't just pull over so I made it to drop my kids off. But I was so scared to get out of my car I kept thinking someone as going to run up on is and R me while my kids stood there and cried. I fina
Survive95

Survive95

3

Me myself and my thoughts

As I sit here on the coach just wanting and needing someone to talk to I have no one I thought I finally had someone to talk to it ended up not working out and no I’m all alone again with no one to talk to with no one who cares just me myself and my thoughts and that’s the worst possible thing that can happen at this moment I just want to give up and say F*** it all!! 
Survive95

Survive95

2

Feeling worthless

I figured if I kept telling myself I was okay then maybe I would be okay but i guess it doesn’t work that way I’m feel so fragil and so vulnerable and so angry I’m so mad at myself and everyone else I can’t seem to deal anymore I just want it all to be over with all ready 
Survive95

Survive95

2

Having a break down

O feel so tired and so overwhelmed like I don’t know what to do anymore I know I’ve said it before but this feeling keeps getting stronger and stronger and every day gets harder and harder my mom keeps calling and messaging me and she keeps saying sorry. To be honest FUCK her appoligy I don’t want her to appoligize!! I’m so tired of everyone saying how all these people need me! FUCK MAN WHAT ABOUT ME!! What about what I need. To be honest I don’t even know what I need. I feel like I’m falling of
Survive95

Survive95

2

Feeling pathetic

I’m having such a bad night I just wish it could be over with already!! I just wish I didnt have to feel this depression I’m feeling. Like I’m so down in a funk and I can’t get out. I hate not being able to talk to anyone about it. I know I can call someone but I don’t want to be a bother to them. I don’t want them to feel like I’m a burden or I’m pestering them about my stupid problems. I keep trying to push through all these feelings and I just end up finding myself sitting on the couch crying
Survive95

Survive95

1

Feeling a little lost and blind

Today has been a sucky day. I woke up in he middle of the night to feed my son just to wake up to pink eye... like seriously pink eye? Now I can’t wear my contacts for a while to let my eye heal and my glasses still haven’t came in so I can’t drive, I can hardly see anything. Tomorrow I have counseling and I really don’t want to cancel it... but I can’t drive at all. I would be okay canceling it but I actually really need to talk to her. I mean I could ask my mom to take me and each my kids but
Survive95

Survive95

1

Entry 1

I like to write as a way to help coupe with everything I’ve been through so I decided instead maybe I’ll start a blog and put it all on here for others to read and maybe I’ll post something that might help someone else or maybe not maybe nobody will even read my blog but ig it’s a chance I’m going to take
Survive95

Survive95

0

Dear Dad

One thing I learned Helped me coupe with my feelings was to write a letter to my dad that sa me as a young child but I never mail it off I just put it away somewhere I can’t see but I know where it’s at so here’s another  as I lay here and cringe at the thought of going to sleep because I’m afraid to have another bad dream because of what you have done to me I think about how badly I wanted to believe you were a good guy and that you had changed that maybe I could have the dad I always want
Survive95

Survive95

0

Family

FAMILY our the ones that are suppose to be on your side  FAMILY our the ones that are suppose to love you no matter what FAMILY our the ones that suppose to protect you  but if family is suppose to do all those thing then why are they the ones who hurt us the most? 
Survive95

Survive95

0

Having a rough day at work

I posted a couple weeks ago about a bad dream I had and today the guy I dreamt about that was hurting me showed up to my job and insisted he needed to talk to me and tell me how beautiful I was and now I just feel sick and scared and just want to ball up in a little ball and hide in a corner somewhere I really just want to go home I don’t think I can make it through today at work my job is literally nothing but customer service so I have to be nice and shake it off but I just can’t seem to do it
Survive95

Survive95

0

It happened

Yesterday was a horrible day I did end up having a break down at work and I had to tell one of the managers what was wrong so I could leave I feel absolutely defeated I always promised myself I would never break in public or infront of people and that’s exactly what happened now I don’t even want to go to work I know I have nothing to worry about because people at my job are understanding and my boss is amazing and won’t make a big deal about it as long as I’m okay but now I have to go face thes
Survive95

Survive95

0

Today

Feeling a little paranoid about work today. I just hope I don’t see that man today I don’t think I can take another break down. And then on top of that I finally told one of the girls that I work with why I had broken down the other day at work and so now she knows. I mean I’m happy that I told her. We’re really good friends I just dont want anything to change. I don’t want her to act different or look at me differently now that she knows.  Hoping nothing changes between each other because we ha
Survive95

Survive95

0

making progress...maybe??

so I finally decided that I wanted to go see my dad in jail after the fact that he R me. I printed out the application to submit to be able to visit him. now I just have to mail it off. I'm not sure if I want to sill send it off or not but I did fill out the papers. I swear I feel like they want to know everything about you. I think they even do a background check to before your approved. I don't know how I feel about going through all this bs just to go visit the man that ruined my life in more
Survive95

Survive95

0

In my head

I can’t stop thinking about my dad and all the horrible things he’s done I’m having a hard time just dealing with it today and I hate it I hate not being able to control my feelings I hate not being able to just be myself I feel depressed more then I feel happy it’s so hard going day to day and being okay I fake majority of my happiness I hate everything and I feel so alone 
Survive95

Survive95

0

Just ranting

I can’t stand all the memories that are coming back and all the triggers I’m having it sucks so bad I hate how angry I am I can feel myself taking it out on everyone but it’s not there fault I had a chance to talk to my counselor about it but I was to afraid to say it out loud. I know I’ve only had 3 sessions so far but I really like her and I wish I could just come out and tell her everything that’s running in my head but it’s so hard I did trust someone before and they betrayed me and maybe th
Survive95

Survive95

0

Feelings

I feel kind of disconnected from everything and everyone I feel so numb like I have no feelings at all I just feel so tired so empty I just want to feel like I belong somewhere i just don’t wanna feel like I need to hide all these secrets anymore and I have tons of secrets and they’re all eating me alive 
Survive95

Survive95

0

Having a bad night

I talked to my middle brother today and he started talking about my oldest brother that Sa me and he kept taking his side and kept talking about he’s his protector and how he’ll always be here for him no matter what and I just stayed on the phone and didn’t say anything I wish that I could of just told him what happened and maybe he would take my side and maybe he would actually protect me sometimes I get so mad because I always wanted my middle brother to be there for me and even when my dad R
Survive95

Survive95

0

Cutting

Sometimes I just want to cut. I feel numb all the time like I have no real emotions if that makes sense. I’ve even had really rough sex (I usually like it) but I didn’t feel anything It didn’t even feel like we were doing anything. So I just cut it’s like it’s the only thing I ever feel anymore. So when i feel numb or just blah I just cut. I know it’s not a solution but it’s the only thing that I seem to actually feel and I don’t cut because I want to die or anything just so I can feel. I don’t
Survive95

Survive95

0

Session #4

Today’s session went really well. This time I went in prepared. I had made up my mind that I was going to talk about some of the hard stuff. So this morning when I woke up I made a list of all the things I wanted to talk about. I gave her the list and let her pick what ever order she wanted. I felt like it was way more progress then we would of with out the list. I felt like I finally opened up more to her and I’m glad i did. I’m ready to heal and move forward. We actually got to start talking a
Survive95

Survive95

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