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About this blog

A collection of my thoughts and feelings

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Will trigger

My fiancees father brought over a bedframe headboard and footboard last night and for some reason it made a huge difference in the way I slept. I didnt have any nightmares at all and woke up in a pretty good mood considering the pregnancy nausea, exhaustion, and emotional sensitivity. Reminding myself that it is just pregnancy hormones and everything is not as bad as it feels is helping. My fiancee was very comforting and sweet last night, holding me and reminding me that things will get better and I wont feel this way forever. He reminded me of my blessings which are numerous and I felt an easing of the grip of panic and paranoia. Im thankful today for everything i have and all the support and love ive found recently, for freedom from addicition, and finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.

Im doing a paper for my philosophy class on if euthanasia should be allowed in cases of chronic depression. Never should it be allowed. There is always hope and suicide should never be the answer. Its a permanent solution to a temporary problem and should be illegal globally. While there is life there is choice, there is hope, there is healing. In death there is no growth or opportunity. It strengthened my conviction to beat my demons and come out the other side of the abyss to reside in the light. I pray for this feeling to stay with me. Its motivating uplifting and inspiring. I dont know exactly where its coming from but im hoping for it to continue. 

I was cleaning out my old dancer bag and found almost 300 dollars. Considering how terrible my fiancee is with money i told him i found more than 100 which isnt quite a lie. But i feel i have to protect what little i have so he doesnt spend it on alcohol or unnecessary things. Im going to use it for my son and to start getting things for the new baby. Im trying to decide what to get first. A carseat is always the first thing so you can bring the baby home from the hospital as well as a diaper bag, diapers and wipes and cream. Aside from that im not sure what else to get. 

My ex is supposed to bring my son for the weekend next weekend and im hoping for it. Hes put it off three times now and im getting a little antsy. I miss my boy so much its killing me. I feel like theres a giant gaping hole where my heart should be from not seeing him in so long.

Im beginning to feel better about being pregnant though. Even if were still in this tiny one bedroom when the baby is born i will make sure we move to a bigger place soon after. Ive cleared a space for a crib in the bedroom and am starting to eagerly anticipate my new arrival. I wasnt ready for another child considering all im going through right now and having so many doubts about my fiancee. But i think once he holds his first child for the first time everything will change. His priorities and way of thinking will shift toward making sure that baby has everything he or she needs and will treat me a lot better. I can only hope for this and if it doesnt happen i will be forced to seek a different avenue. I will just have to wait and see what happens. And pray.

I wish he could understand what im going through right now. He keeps telling me he wants to help and be here for me, but doesnt know if he can handle what i have to say, that it might make him homicidally angry. My past is full of dark twisted things and I realize that some of them will be difficult for him to hear. Im worried that if he hears everything he will think of me as trash and quit loving me. Ive had that happen before. It was hard enough for him to know that i was a dancer. I tried to work the couple months in the beginning and he lost his marbles. So telling him the whole story from the very beginning is a gamble. Maybe i should just keep it to this website. My father too, it may destroy him to know what was going on under his nose all those years and he could have stopped it. My stepmother was very convincing building her case against me so i didnt even try to speak out. The one time i tried all i got was hostility and venom so i never tried again. My father and i are finally on good speaking terms and are building a healthy relationship. I wonder if i should just keep it to myself and let it go. But i feel like i have loose ends to tie up before i can heal, i must get closure. But is it really that important to potentially break my fathers heart when it was so long ago and nothing can be done about it now? My stepbrother killed himself and my stepmother died of cancer so they both took all of it to the grave. I have no proof other than taking a lie detector test which i would do in a heartbeat to let my father know the truth. But should i? Or should i just let it go and forgive and try to forget? Im still a little upset at him for not protecting me, but he was deeply brainwashed by my stepmother and my stepbrother was the golden child who could do no wrong while I was the redheaded evil stepchild who was a thorn in everyones side. Tough decision. I want to heal and move on and something is nagging at me to tell him and at least let him know the truth and that i can forgive him for not protecting me if he at least acknowledges what really happened. I also have 13 years of abuse from my dancing career to talk about. But my father is a slow thinker and always has been, and doesnt handle surprises or transition very well. Everything needs to be baby steps with him or he'll lose it. Hes stronger than he used to be but i still worry. Why am i so worried about how the men in my life are going to handle the traumas that i went through? Why do i care about their feelings about it so much when it doesnt seem like they care about mine? Should i be selfish this time and their feelings be da****? Help..


My fiancee has a severe problem with alcoholism. We just got a positive pregnancy test and he's swinging from astounded awe to irrational panic. With the latter comes drinking lying and breaking promises. I am already so raw dealing with everything I am and him breaking my heart all the time is wearing on my soul. He has his own problems, hes a combat veteran with severe PTSD and extreme guilt for what he did over there. Im trying to hold up both of our burdens and im just so tired and broken i think im going to buckle soon. I cant have a selfish lying alcoholic as the father of my child, i refuse to subject an innocent life to that. I told him that if he doesnt want to help himself theres nothing i can do for him and i have to leave him. He promised to get help but hes hurt me so much with his lies and broken promises i dont believe a word he says. Im in a tough situation right now though. Im very pregnant-sick and can barely clean the house much less work without puking. I have nowhere else to go and I dont want to go back to dancing. If it came down to it and i had to i would for the babys sake. But im just beginning to heal and i cant fathom jumping back into the abyss, especially not right now. I feel trapped and miserable. Every time i start to see a glimmer of hope and blessing theres always a cost thats more than the good. It also makes it harder to stay sober with him always drinking right in my face. I dont know what to do. If i leave ill be dancing and living in a motel. If i dont make enough money for the motel that day i sleep on a park bench. Its cold where i live right now and i dont have warm enough clothes. If i stay i have to deal with an alcoholic who spends all the money as fast as he makes it so that i go without which means so would the baby, who lies to me about his drinking and where he is and why, who is so selfish its mindboggling. When hes sober hes the man i want to spend the rest of my life with. But hes not ready so i think i should formulate a plan to get out of here. Over the next 6 months of my pregnancy i will get a job a car and save for a cheap mobile home in the rural areas somewhere close to my job. I will make sure i get custody and child support. If he gets treatment and decides to act like a husband and father i may come back to him. I dont want to leave him but hes not giving me much of a choice. Hes not beating me or anything hes just being selfish lazy and stupid. I cant take the pain anymore, like im not dealing with enough of my own. I cant trust or depend on him at all and im terrified what hes going to teach my son. What should i do? 


This is my first try at a blog so hopefully I will get better at it as i go along. There is so much bottled inside me that i must start purging before i explode. Life is never easy, even when there are brief glimpses of joy. The darkness surrounding me is so thick and persistent that when tiny slivers of light penetrate, it's only for a split second and is gone again. But I fight because I have to. I spent too much of my life not fighting, and now I cant stop fighting. The only problem is that it's hard from all my nightmares flashbacks and paranoia to distinguish who to fight and who to take as ally. I trust no one, and I feel no safety anywhere. I have no sanctuary, I am always on guard from everyone everywhere I go. I guess too many people have hurt me and I've given up on the human race. They can't be counted on, can't be trusted, and I can never let my guard down or they will jump at the opportunity to exploit my weakness and Ill be left naked bloody and broken on the floor with nothing again. My heart and soul cant afford that even once more. How do I trust anyone ever again? How do i let anyone see me vulnerable ever again? How do i believe that not all humans will destroy me when thats all ive seen from the majority of humans ive met from all backgrounds and creeds? How do i have real friendships when im always waiting for the other shoe to drop and to turn around to see a knife in my back? How do i have a healthy intimate relationship when im just waiting to be attacked or abused and mentally and emotionally messed with? I cant give anything. I feel like i dont have it to give. I want to. My significant other tries very hard to be the best he can to me. Hes human though and makes mistakes, and with each mistake i pull farther away from him. I want more than anything to give him the love he deserves, to let my guard down, to trust him. He keeps maintaining that im safe with him that he'll never hurt me. I dont believe him. I want to more than anything. I cant help but worry everyday if hes cheating on me, if hes going to set me up, if hes going to leave me or kick me out onto the street with nowhere to go but back to the pole. I worry that hes working behind my back, that hes using me somehow because im the most vulnerable ive ever been. Im terrified that hes playing mind games with me to get what he wants. I dont know his ulterior motives and i cant help but worry what they are and how im going to handle another broken heart. I dont think i can take another one. Ive had far too many i never healed from. Im feeling them now all at once. I think one more heartbreak and ill shatter into too many pieces to pick up this time. How do i trust men, or any human being for that matter, knowing the evil that theyre capable of? How do i move past this constant fear and paranoia and suspicion? 

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