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About this blog

A collection of my thoughts and feelings

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Exdancer1986

I delivered Forrest Vincent Luce on June 28 2018 at 8:47 pm. He was 7 lbs 3 oz and very healthy. He was a little early but I didn't mind; i was very ready! I didnt get pain meds, there wasnt time. I went from early labor waiting on contractions to Oh NO I have to push and the doctor isnt here yet! It was unbelievably horribly agonizingly painful. The pain snuck up on me and I was hyperventilating. I didnt go into a flashback thank the gods. I kept looking at Forrest for support and he was strong, a rock that I sorely needed. I pushed for an hour and he was finally out in a gush of fluids and an explosion of fiery pain. He was so beautiful and precious to me from the second he came out it felt like in the movies where they show that instant divine inspired mother's love for her newborn. I didnt feel that with my first, considering i fought through a flashback to push him out. I did grow to love him that way over those few days in the hospital. Little Forrest is smart, very alert and always scrutinizing, beautiful and healthy, strong; hes rolled over twice and lifts his head for an average of 10 seconds each time. I am so proud of him already! 

His daddy has been astronomically helpful sweet loving and responsible. Hes been posting pics of him on fb everyday since he was born.

   It seems something fundamental did change inside him when he saw his son being born. Hes been treating me right lately. His respect for me has risen. I am almost healed enough for him to go back to work. We have a dr. appt for little Forrest on Monday. Poor baby I think he has thrush so it has been difficult the last few days to nurse him. He is such a good baby though, he only cries when he is really hungry or frustrated. Let us hope that continues. 

I am even more convinced that he is my reason (along with Damien) for accomplishing all my goals like graduating with my doctorate paying off my debts getting a nice big place etc etc. I am hopeful and strengthened staring at him everyday in his innocent trusting sleep. I am determined to raise him as good as i can, that he will be a good person, successful and happy and strong. 

I cant write anymore right now because Im crying tears of joy.. I have a letter i wrote for him before he was born I will share when i get back on.. 

Exdancer1986

I haven't been on this site in about a month. Way too long I would say. I have had a few very dark days and just white knuckled it, as alcoholics say. Crushing sadness and panic are the main ideas. I have been having trouble getting over the fact that my exhusband truly loved me and I now have someone who isn't really sure how to love because he never has loved anyone, not even himself. He is freaking out about being a father, the closer my due date gets, the stranger he acts. It is difficult to be with someone a lot like you in a lot of ways when it's the bad points that are similar. There's no balance. I always end up being the rock, the one dependable spot in the storm. Where is my rock? On who do I lean when I am too weak to stand? As usual in my life I have no one but me. No one could carry the burdens i do I guess, considering I have practice carrying not only my own but many other people's at once. I wonder if I am a masochist at heart. I thought he was strong, it was one reason I agreed to open my heart again in the first place. I am discovering that most of the things that attracted me to him were lies or exaggerations to accomplish his end of being with me. While I understand not believing that anyone can accept the true self at the beginning, I feel bamboozled, tricked, misled. Mutual respect and understanding builds trust and communication. We have none of that. I am debating leaving or staying to work harder on a relationship than i ever have, all while not knowing if i want to. Do i love someone who doesnt exist? More later... Need to process... 

Exdancer1986

Today has been a very lazy day physically. I have done a lot of schoolwork and no chores, just self reflection. I've decided to change my mindset about my pregnancy and my delivery. I was thinking of meditating every day on things going a certain way. My mantra for my baby boy:

Strong, healthy, happy, smart, beautiful

My mantra for me during labor and delivery:

I am the goddess, I am the Earth

I let go and relax into the waves of creation

I cannot think of better mantras. I believe in the power of intention, of visualization and affirmation. I believe I can make this time around much better than the first time. I know what it is like now and hopefully my body will remember how to do it. My body was made to be a mother biologically so there is no reason why I shouldnt be able to accomplish a normal, joyful, spiritual birth. My fears doubts and anxieties have all been misplaced. It has nothing to do with anyone or anything else, this amazing journey of motherhood. I must simply be in the moment and do what feels natural. If I am triggered I will repeat my mantras over and over and visualize the awesome creative power of the goddess, of our mother earth and maybe draw from her for strength. For the past week I have visualized and meditated and the difference is astronomical. I cant express how very much stress and anxiety i bled that i shouldnt have had in the first place. I was meant to be a mother. I believe in reincarnation, and that you choose your incarnation for the lessons you will learn throughout the course of your lifetime that can be used as evolving on the path to the creator. I believe once we have reached the last step in our spiritual evolution we can choose to become one with everything or remain behind to teach. I know I have a long way to go for that last step, but it makes me realize that I chose this incarnation. I needed this strength gained through pain and different perspective and knowledge. I have work to do here, and I may not be able to without experiences like the ones that brought me to this site. 

I guess you could say I had an epiphany in the quiet of solitude and schoolwork. It changed my whole outlook on a lot of things. I understand everything in my life now on a grand scale. Maybe some minute details still escape me but i am now able to look at my life and myself as things to be cherished, not abhorred. Im so deeply moved and thankful for this moment of acceptance and forgiveness of myself and others and peace with my path. I pray this attitude stays with me no matter what happens and that I can pass the good points of all of this to my children. 

I no longer let anyone bring me down no matter what they do or say. I respect myself completely and dont let anyone hurt me. 

I realize this post may be a little religious and I apologize for those whose religion is different than mine, my intention of course is not to offend. Just simply healing and recovering and moving forward in my own time as much as i can. 

Exdancer1986

Today is a much better day than yesterday. Mentally and emotionally I am allowing myself to be distanced from everyone especially my fiancee and zoning in on schoolwork so there arent any questions. Health wise I feel pretty good, good enough to clean and make burritos for dinner tonight. I realize that I DO have options; I could appeal to my dad and ask to come stay with him in AZ for a little while, there are homeless shelters and rent assistance etc, and I have a couple friends who would let me couch surf for a bit if I needed it. It helps to have options. I dont feel so trapped anymore. If I stay I will just distance myself from him to protect myself. I wont let him hurt me.

I know that no matter what happens I will make things work because I am a survivor, a fighter. I have survived more than I should have and if I can do that I can do anything. I have to tell myself over and over that I can do this, that no matter what life throws at me I can get through it. I am dealing with a lot of things right now, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. There is a reason I am here. I am not exactly sure what that is. I am reminded often how everything that I know is wrong. But thats ok. 

My brain isnt functioning well right now. Im a little loopy. But i guess its all part of the process right? Gotta keep moving forward. Even if I dont know why yet. One foot in front of the other. Until my last breath.. 

Exdancer1986

Im not sure what to do. Im so depressed and tense its hard to think straight. I have the urge to cut and run again and its getting worse everyday, like war drums getting steadily louder in my head. I dont want to run anymore. I know its been preemptive some of the time. I think my guy is overwhelmed and has no clue how to handle this whole change to his life. Understandable but i just feel so unappreciated and unloved. I never admitted to needing anyones love until now. Am i being masochistic? Am i panicking about nothing? The man pays all the bills and rent so i literally have no worries in that department. But is that my standard of living now? He puts a roof over my head and i should bow down and take all his shit but get nothing back in any other way? Sigh. Ive been crying too much. I hope its just pregnancy hormones and ill go back to normal once i have my baby. But who knows. I just needed to vent. I needed to get it out. My guy still doesnt know most of the details and i think its better that way. I dont think he could handle it. Hes very weak in that way. He cant handle anything thats remotely emotionally difficult, just wants to drown it in alcohol. I know from personal experience it is never the answer. The bottom of the bottle is always dry. Every time. I dont know if i should just relinquish control and just go with the flow; if thats a healthier alternative to raging against the inevitable. I feel that is my guy and i breaking up and me starting again from square one. Im so sick of doing that. I dont know how many more times i can start over. 

I do have my father in my life and my cousin and aunt, and my few true blue friends, and my unborn son. I have my health. I have material necessities. I have school. I have my voice, my senses, my intelligence. I know my other son is healthy taken care of and loved though i miss him terribly. I have food in my stomach and this website when im feeling down. I have strength wisdom and forgiveness. I have moments of joy, pockets of happiness. Im working through my issues slowly and have made progress. I live with integrity now which feels amazing. Im making peace with my stepbrother from the grave. Im beginning to let go. Im on the right path i think for once. Im grieving it all one at a time. Im able to cry, to purge. I have hope for the future. Im pursuing my goals. My daddy issues are dissolving. My self esteem is rising slowly as i make deposits instead of withdrawals. Im sober. I can talk about my pain. I manage my anger. I see the joy in little things. Im too stubborn to die. 

So many things to be thankful for. So many positives. I must focus on these. I must stop wallowing in sorrow because its familiar. I must get off the defensive. I must stop being masochistic. I must stay sober and clearheaded. I must seek therapy. I must let go of having to control everything. I must love myself. I must put my children before anyone. I must realize what makes me special; cultivate my strengths and turn my weaknesses into more strengths. I will never give up no matter how beaten down and ancient i feel. I will remember my divinity. I know im loved when im all alone.

I have to stop being so depressed. Its bad for the baby. Ive been so frantic i cant meditate or write or sing or anything i usually do to calm down. I wonder if i should close off from my guy. I wonder if i should force myself to trust him. I wonder if i should tell my ex husband that he loved me the best and thank him. Only he has known me as well in this life only he has loved me the way i truly needed. For that fleeting year he loved me. And i threw it away. But then his youngest son wouldnt be here so it happened the way it was supposed to. Im not angry. Im not bitter. Just sad. I let go of what i should have held onto and held onto what i should have let go. I dont have all the answers. In fact the longer i live the more i realize that everything i know is wrong and every so often i throw off what ive learned and open my mind to proof of what i couldnt see before. Ive known rapid earth shattering change for a long time. Maybe im always ready now for my world to crumble so i never let myself relax and settle in. If i do and things do go south uprooting myself will hurt so bad i dont think i can take bleeding out like that again. I say that but im used to and expect it. I feel strange when it doesnt happen after a certain point. Maybe sometimes i encourage and catalyze it just so theres no surprise. I dont really like surprises anymore. Im so jaded. I dont want to be. I see both sides of the coin but for some reason i just cant let myself relax and let my guard down. I see good people on here that wont hurt me and dont have ulterior motives so i know there are people i can trust out there. How do i make myself let them in? My son needs to know how to be a social creature. I cant teach him if im a recluse. Im not afraid of pain, i just dont want it anymore. Too many scars. But i cant hide forever right? I have to put it all on the line sometime. Then when it collapses i can finally say i gave it everything i had. Unfortuneately its not that much that everything i had. No matter what happens ill keep trucking, one foot in front of the other, stubbornly pushing past or through obstacles. No matter what caves in on me i still crawl my way out. Im not even sure why anymore. I just have an uncontrollable and unquenchable urge to keep going so i do. When i find the reason for that it may help i dont know. I feel very morbid right now, dry and cynical. 

Just a stream of thoughts from a weary sad brain thats all.. 

Exdancer1986

Will trigger

My fiancees father brought over a bedframe headboard and footboard last night and for some reason it made a huge difference in the way I slept. I didnt have any nightmares at all and woke up in a pretty good mood considering the pregnancy nausea, exhaustion, and emotional sensitivity. Reminding myself that it is just pregnancy hormones and everything is not as bad as it feels is helping. My fiancee was very comforting and sweet last night, holding me and reminding me that things will get better and I wont feel this way forever. He reminded me of my blessings which are numerous and I felt an easing of the grip of panic and paranoia. Im thankful today for everything i have and all the support and love ive found recently, for freedom from addicition, and finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.

Im doing a paper for my philosophy class on if euthanasia should be allowed in cases of chronic depression. Never should it be allowed. There is always hope and suicide should never be the answer. Its a permanent solution to a temporary problem and should be illegal globally. While there is life there is choice, there is hope, there is healing. In death there is no growth or opportunity. It strengthened my conviction to beat my demons and come out the other side of the abyss to reside in the light. I pray for this feeling to stay with me. Its motivating uplifting and inspiring. I dont know exactly where its coming from but im hoping for it to continue. 

I was cleaning out my old dancer bag and found almost 300 dollars. Considering how terrible my fiancee is with money i told him i found more than 100 which isnt quite a lie. But i feel i have to protect what little i have so he doesnt spend it on alcohol or unnecessary things. Im going to use it for my son and to start getting things for the new baby. Im trying to decide what to get first. A carseat is always the first thing so you can bring the baby home from the hospital as well as a diaper bag, diapers and wipes and cream. Aside from that im not sure what else to get. 

My ex is supposed to bring my son for the weekend next weekend and im hoping for it. Hes put it off three times now and im getting a little antsy. I miss my boy so much its killing me. I feel like theres a giant gaping hole where my heart should be from not seeing him in so long.

Im beginning to feel better about being pregnant though. Even if were still in this tiny one bedroom when the baby is born i will make sure we move to a bigger place soon after. Ive cleared a space for a crib in the bedroom and am starting to eagerly anticipate my new arrival. I wasnt ready for another child considering all im going through right now and having so many doubts about my fiancee. But i think once he holds his first child for the first time everything will change. His priorities and way of thinking will shift toward making sure that baby has everything he or she needs and will treat me a lot better. I can only hope for this and if it doesnt happen i will be forced to seek a different avenue. I will just have to wait and see what happens. And pray.

I wish he could understand what im going through right now. He keeps telling me he wants to help and be here for me, but doesnt know if he can handle what i have to say, that it might make him homicidally angry. My past is full of dark twisted things and I realize that some of them will be difficult for him to hear. Im worried that if he hears everything he will think of me as trash and quit loving me. Ive had that happen before. It was hard enough for him to know that i was a dancer. I tried to work the couple months in the beginning and he lost his marbles. So telling him the whole story from the very beginning is a gamble. Maybe i should just keep it to this website. My father too, it may destroy him to know what was going on under his nose all those years and he could have stopped it. My stepmother was very convincing building her case against me so i didnt even try to speak out. The one time i tried all i got was hostility and venom so i never tried again. My father and i are finally on good speaking terms and are building a healthy relationship. I wonder if i should just keep it to myself and let it go. But i feel like i have loose ends to tie up before i can heal, i must get closure. But is it really that important to potentially break my fathers heart when it was so long ago and nothing can be done about it now? My stepbrother killed himself and my stepmother died of cancer so they both took all of it to the grave. I have no proof other than taking a lie detector test which i would do in a heartbeat to let my father know the truth. But should i? Or should i just let it go and forgive and try to forget? Im still a little upset at him for not protecting me, but he was deeply brainwashed by my stepmother and my stepbrother was the golden child who could do no wrong while I was the redheaded evil stepchild who was a thorn in everyones side. Tough decision. I want to heal and move on and something is nagging at me to tell him and at least let him know the truth and that i can forgive him for not protecting me if he at least acknowledges what really happened. I also have 13 years of abuse from my dancing career to talk about. But my father is a slow thinker and always has been, and doesnt handle surprises or transition very well. Everything needs to be baby steps with him or he'll lose it. Hes stronger than he used to be but i still worry. Why am i so worried about how the men in my life are going to handle the traumas that i went through? Why do i care about their feelings about it so much when it doesnt seem like they care about mine? Should i be selfish this time and their feelings be da****? Help..

Exdancer1986

My fiancee has a severe problem with alcoholism. We just got a positive pregnancy test and he's swinging from astounded awe to irrational panic. With the latter comes drinking lying and breaking promises. I am already so raw dealing with everything I am and him breaking my heart all the time is wearing on my soul. He has his own problems, hes a combat veteran with severe PTSD and extreme guilt for what he did over there. Im trying to hold up both of our burdens and im just so tired and broken i think im going to buckle soon. I cant have a selfish lying alcoholic as the father of my child, i refuse to subject an innocent life to that. I told him that if he doesnt want to help himself theres nothing i can do for him and i have to leave him. He promised to get help but hes hurt me so much with his lies and broken promises i dont believe a word he says. Im in a tough situation right now though. Im very pregnant-sick and can barely clean the house much less work without puking. I have nowhere else to go and I dont want to go back to dancing. If it came down to it and i had to i would for the babys sake. But im just beginning to heal and i cant fathom jumping back into the abyss, especially not right now. I feel trapped and miserable. Every time i start to see a glimmer of hope and blessing theres always a cost thats more than the good. It also makes it harder to stay sober with him always drinking right in my face. I dont know what to do. If i leave ill be dancing and living in a motel. If i dont make enough money for the motel that day i sleep on a park bench. Its cold where i live right now and i dont have warm enough clothes. If i stay i have to deal with an alcoholic who spends all the money as fast as he makes it so that i go without which means so would the baby, who lies to me about his drinking and where he is and why, who is so selfish its mindboggling. When hes sober hes the man i want to spend the rest of my life with. But hes not ready so i think i should formulate a plan to get out of here. Over the next 6 months of my pregnancy i will get a job a car and save for a cheap mobile home in the rural areas somewhere close to my job. I will make sure i get custody and child support. If he gets treatment and decides to act like a husband and father i may come back to him. I dont want to leave him but hes not giving me much of a choice. Hes not beating me or anything hes just being selfish lazy and stupid. I cant take the pain anymore, like im not dealing with enough of my own. I cant trust or depend on him at all and im terrified what hes going to teach my son. What should i do? 

Exdancer1986

This is my first try at a blog so hopefully I will get better at it as i go along. There is so much bottled inside me that i must start purging before i explode. Life is never easy, even when there are brief glimpses of joy. The darkness surrounding me is so thick and persistent that when tiny slivers of light penetrate, it's only for a split second and is gone again. But I fight because I have to. I spent too much of my life not fighting, and now I cant stop fighting. The only problem is that it's hard from all my nightmares flashbacks and paranoia to distinguish who to fight and who to take as ally. I trust no one, and I feel no safety anywhere. I have no sanctuary, I am always on guard from everyone everywhere I go. I guess too many people have hurt me and I've given up on the human race. They can't be counted on, can't be trusted, and I can never let my guard down or they will jump at the opportunity to exploit my weakness and Ill be left naked bloody and broken on the floor with nothing again. My heart and soul cant afford that even once more. How do I trust anyone ever again? How do i let anyone see me vulnerable ever again? How do i believe that not all humans will destroy me when thats all ive seen from the majority of humans ive met from all backgrounds and creeds? How do i have real friendships when im always waiting for the other shoe to drop and to turn around to see a knife in my back? How do i have a healthy intimate relationship when im just waiting to be attacked or abused and mentally and emotionally messed with? I cant give anything. I feel like i dont have it to give. I want to. My significant other tries very hard to be the best he can to me. Hes human though and makes mistakes, and with each mistake i pull farther away from him. I want more than anything to give him the love he deserves, to let my guard down, to trust him. He keeps maintaining that im safe with him that he'll never hurt me. I dont believe him. I want to more than anything. I cant help but worry everyday if hes cheating on me, if hes going to set me up, if hes going to leave me or kick me out onto the street with nowhere to go but back to the pole. I worry that hes working behind my back, that hes using me somehow because im the most vulnerable ive ever been. Im terrified that hes playing mind games with me to get what he wants. I dont know his ulterior motives and i cant help but worry what they are and how im going to handle another broken heart. I dont think i can take another one. Ive had far too many i never healed from. Im feeling them now all at once. I think one more heartbreak and ill shatter into too many pieces to pick up this time. How do i trust men, or any human being for that matter, knowing the evil that theyre capable of? How do i move past this constant fear and paranoia and suspicion? 

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