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About this blog

A collection of my thoughts and feelings

Entries in this blog

 

Numb

Its been a long time since I wrote a blog entry. The day we were moving to that 2 bedroom he got wasted and ended up trying to shoot himself. He missed and the bullet went through the apartment on the other side. He was admitted to the hospital and we had to move to a house in the country with roommates. Getting him off drugs and alcohol was hell. He was horrible to me. He started getting better for a few months then he started drinking a little more at a time again. First it was on the weekends
 

Fragile hope

We are moving to a 2 bedroom apartment on the 1st and I am daring to have hope. I dont have any hope for the father of my child. He has proven that he doesnt want a better life, that I mean nothing to him. It doesnt matter anymore. What does matter is that when this new lease is up he will leave and i will have a 2 bedroom and he will pay child support whether he likes it or not. This next year I will live for me regardless of what he does. I will never get with an addict ever again. I will neve

Exdancer1986

Exdancer1986

 

My new baby boy

I delivered Forrest Vincent Luce on June 28 2018 at 8:47 pm. He was 7 lbs 3 oz and very healthy. He was a little early but I didn't mind; i was very ready! I didnt get pain meds, there wasnt time. I went from early labor waiting on contractions to Oh NO I have to push and the doctor isnt here yet! It was unbelievably horribly agonizingly painful. The pain snuck up on me and I was hyperventilating. I didnt go into a flashback thank the gods. I kept looking at Forrest for support and he was strong

Exdancer1986

Exdancer1986

 

It's been awhile

I haven't been on this site in about a month. Way too long I would say. I have had a few very dark days and just white knuckled it, as alcoholics say. Crushing sadness and panic are the main ideas. I have been having trouble getting over the fact that my exhusband truly loved me and I now have someone who isn't really sure how to love because he never has loved anyone, not even himself. He is freaking out about being a father, the closer my due date gets, the stranger he acts. It is difficult to

Exdancer1986

Exdancer1986

 

Epiphany?

Today has been a very lazy day physically. I have done a lot of schoolwork and no chores, just self reflection. I've decided to change my mindset about my pregnancy and my delivery. I was thinking of meditating every day on things going a certain way. My mantra for my baby boy: Strong, healthy, happy, smart, beautiful My mantra for me during labor and delivery: I am the goddess, I am the Earth I let go and relax into the waves of creation I cannot think of better mantras

Exdancer1986

Exdancer1986

 

A little better today

Today is a much better day than yesterday. Mentally and emotionally I am allowing myself to be distanced from everyone especially my fiancee and zoning in on schoolwork so there arent any questions. Health wise I feel pretty good, good enough to clean and make burritos for dinner tonight. I realize that I DO have options; I could appeal to my dad and ask to come stay with him in AZ for a little while, there are homeless shelters and rent assistance etc, and I have a couple friends who would let

Exdancer1986

Exdancer1986

 

Severely depressed

Im not sure what to do. Im so depressed and tense its hard to think straight. I have the urge to cut and run again and its getting worse everyday, like war drums getting steadily louder in my head. I dont want to run anymore. I know its been preemptive some of the time. I think my guy is overwhelmed and has no clue how to handle this whole change to his life. Understandable but i just feel so unappreciated and unloved. I never admitted to needing anyones love until now. Am i being masochistic? A

Exdancer1986

Exdancer1986

 

Finally a good day

Will trigger My fiancees father brought over a bedframe headboard and footboard last night and for some reason it made a huge difference in the way I slept. I didnt have any nightmares at all and woke up in a pretty good mood considering the pregnancy nausea, exhaustion, and emotional sensitivity. Reminding myself that it is just pregnancy hormones and everything is not as bad as it feels is helping. My fiancee was very comforting and sweet last night, holding me and reminding me that thing

Exdancer1986

Exdancer1986

 

Confused with a difficult choice

My fiancee has a severe problem with alcoholism. We just got a positive pregnancy test and he's swinging from astounded awe to irrational panic. With the latter comes drinking lying and breaking promises. I am already so raw dealing with everything I am and him breaking my heart all the time is wearing on my soul. He has his own problems, hes a combat veteran with severe PTSD and extreme guilt for what he did over there. Im trying to hold up both of our burdens and im just so tired and broken i

Exdancer1986

Exdancer1986

 

First try

This is my first try at a blog so hopefully I will get better at it as i go along. There is so much bottled inside me that i must start purging before i explode. Life is never easy, even when there are brief glimpses of joy. The darkness surrounding me is so thick and persistent that when tiny slivers of light penetrate, it's only for a split second and is gone again. But I fight because I have to. I spent too much of my life not fighting, and now I cant stop fighting. The only problem is that i

Exdancer1986

Exdancer1986

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