I am really struggling today. I have contemplated why I am even here. I have nothing to offer anybody. I'm scared all the time. I'm so lonely but I can't leave my house. I miss the person that I used to be even though that person was a fake. A fake smile, a fake "I'm ok". At least I was able to be out in the world. But pretending got too hard and now here I am. Alone and tired of trying. I feel like giving up.
About this blog
The walls are closing in on me today. Most of the time I can handle never leaving my house. Its such a safe place for me but there are some days where I feel like the world is passing me by. I cant stop crying today because I want so badly to be part of that world. And then the fear hits me like a rock. I don't trust anybody out there especially myself. I go to my T twice a week and that is my only contact with other human beings except for my husband. It gets so lonely. The tv is my only friend and even that today has caused me to go in a downhill spiral. Pick the wrong show and the memories all come rushing back. I try to sleep the day away and the nightmares start. I have been doing this for over a year and a half and I don't know how to get back to living. Just needed to vent today. Thanks for listening.