Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
  • entries
    15
  • comments
    11
  • views
    1,467

About this blog

A place where I can speak and create a moment of clarity for myself and maybe others.

Entries in this blog

 

College

I thought that I could escape this, escape being a victim of sexual assault and abuse, but it never feels like I can. There are seminars about assault, they are required and important but every time I listen I feel trapped and diminished. These seminars paint assault and abuse as something that can be easy to diagnose, and all you need is good friends. I can't even think, my mind goes dark and I slip into the spiral of my mind.  "Did my friends just think I deserve it?" "Did I j

Leia Skywalker

Leia Skywalker

 

Too Close

I had to fly recently, which I hate but it wasn't until I was on the plane when I realized the main problem. I would have a layover in a state that I had never been to but my abuser lived in. I knew that it wouldn't happen, but even the .0001% chance was too much for me. I wanted to leave as soon as we could and never come back to this place. Being close was too much, it feels ridiculous that just being in the same state as him again was enough to send me spiraling but it was. I was a wreck

Leia Skywalker

Leia Skywalker

 

So What

I had a tough night last night. My brain did not want to be in the state I wanted it to be in. I had a panic attack. Again for the third night in a row this week. For some reason he could not leave my thoughts alone, I am not sure why this week had to be the week. I thought that maybe I should text someone and I began to but realized no one wanted to hear this, G-d knows I hated talking about it so why would someone want to listen. Since realizing what has happened to me I would t

Leia Skywalker

Leia Skywalker

 

Debate

Today I got to listen to two men debate about what they think should happen with guns even relating to domestic violence, abuse, and rape. One of them began stating that they only way women can protect themselves is with a gun. It did not occur to them that someone would use it against a woman or may not even be the security blanket they think it is. Personally I don't want a gun, I don't want to give him the chance to use it against me. It wouldn't make me safer but more afraid. The problem is

Leia Skywalker

Leia Skywalker

 

The future

I don't know where I will be in a few months, all I know is that I have to leave. I have to leave and get to a new place. Not just to start fresh, but because I can't end up like the rest of them. If I stay then I admit defeat, I admit that I can't do it. I won't let it happen. I will leave.  Every time I come back to this town it literally hurts, my heart sinks and it becomes to breathe. This town is literally trying to kill me. If I get stuck here then what? Will I ever feel better, or ac

Leia Skywalker

Leia Skywalker

 

Late Night Thoughts

I don't know why it always seem to be worse around night, maybe there is a reason to that question but that isn't really relevant. Whenever I seem to come to the night I become scared, I lock all the doors around and me and try to feel safe. People have begun to notice how I always close doors and make sure doors and windows are locked, it isn't cause I like privacy its cause I am scared. Part of me wants people to notice how scared I am, I want to tell people that I am scared. But I am sca

Leia Skywalker

Leia Skywalker

 

Understanding

Things are starting to link up in my mind, behaviors and feelings that I have make sense. Why I do things and why I don't do things. Every time I come home I lock every door, even when a family member is right behind me. I never open my door. I always carry a pen in my hand. I never look people in the eye when walking. Cause I am scared. I know he can't hurt me, but I can't stop thinking about it. Its why I want so desperately to leave town. Its why I don't fee

Leia Skywalker

Leia Skywalker

 

Progress

I was able to trust someone today. Actually a few people. Recently I had a somewhat serious injury from a sport, nothing too bad, but it has left me with the inability to lift or seriously use my right shoulder. When I admitted to someone I was hurt they didn't laugh, or use it against me instead they hugged me and asked how I was. This genuine feeling of concern is new to me. Most of my life has been keeping quiet about problems because when I didn't it was used against me.  The

Leia Skywalker

Leia Skywalker

 

Doubting

Anxiety attacks are fun.... They make you take everything you once knew and create a large cloud of doubt around it. I talk about anxiety as if it is a person, sometimes it feels like it is. Because it always centers around them. Every doubt goes back to them. It doesn't revolve around that one test or that one awkward family dinner.  Instead, it's them. Maybe they kept that picture, maybe they are still here, maybe. But you never know. I wish it would sto

Leia Skywalker

Leia Skywalker

 

Explaining

How do you explain to someone that you don't want attention? You don't want the award, you just want to keep working. My whole life has been filled with moments where I should have just sat down and taken pride and what I accomplished, but I learned to keep moving. Attention brought to me was bad, because that meant I was seen I don't want to be seen I just want to keep going. That's what he taught me. Not to take pride in what I earned because I didn't really earn it, or if

Leia Skywalker

Leia Skywalker

 

going public

Today I feel numb, I feel nothing. I don't feel regret I don't feel happy I just feel numb. Maybe because my emotions have been fairly wild for the past week.  I have to turn in my application this week, the application for the scholarship where I will have to publicly admit my abuse and attempt to inspire and help others. I know that I should be happy and excited to do so, but all I can think is what if someone doubts me. What if someone knows who I am talking about bec

Leia Skywalker

Leia Skywalker

 

Week by week

I Saw him today. Not the bad one but the second one. My second ex and my second abuser.  I saw him and all I wanted to do was cry and scream.  I didn’t say anything.  I just ran.  Talking about them and what they did is hard, but seeing them. That’s inpossible.  When I see him, all I see is who I was and how that girl that I once was is gone.  The little girl who was comfortable and safe, she isn’t around anymore.  I cant even bring myself to talk to them and l

Leia Skywalker

Leia Skywalker

 

Figuring Out

I can't stop thinking that who I am is because of what he did. I can't stop thinking that I like the things I do, and I do the things I do because he made me into this. Into this girl who was introduced to sex way too early. Who became used to the idea of sex and actually liked it.  Everyone describes victims of sexual abuse as people who never want to have sex again, but I am not like that. Does that make me sick and disgusting? Does that mean he still has control over me? I don't know.

Leia Skywalker

Leia Skywalker

 

Progress

Maybe I really was abused. I was able to talk to one of the specialists on RAINN today. They agreed what I went through is qualified as abuse. Sexual, Physical and Emotional. As I have begun to open up I am beginning to discover all that really occurred in the relationship. Not that it can really be qualified as a relationship. Maybe the relationships I have been in are not right. Maybe it's not normal to be threatened and held too tight if I didn't send the pictures he

Leia Skywalker

Leia Skywalker

 

Trying

I don't want to pretend like me creating an account on this site makes me better or even qualified to talk about my experience but who knows.  Its gotten worse, the flashbacks, the association its all gotten worse. I haven't been touched and hurt in two years but it only feels like hours, maybe its because they still show up. He still tries to find me and bring me back.  It happened last night. At the debate tournament, in the middle of debate on a bill about sexual assault and the jai

Leia Skywalker

Leia Skywalker

Sign in to follow this  
×
×
  • Create New...