100 dollars every week come out of my bank account every week . This money does not go towards things like food, transport or treats like lunch or a coffee. I do not even have the money to be spending on top of all that crap, but here I am every week looking in my account and watching as I sink into deeper money problems. Why? because I don't qualify to be funded by any organisation in my home country as my rape happened overseas. When it first happened I was put on a waiting list for 9 months for help in the place it happened despite still being a child as they put me on the wrong system. After these 9 months did I receive any help. no. I get told by the police to seek out therapy as soon as possible, but how?? I don't have the money to continue to pay for these appointments. I don't understand a system that where I did what was right and and where I gave as much support as I could to the police and was not in the wrong give me no support what so ever.
Entries in this blog
I don't usually write about what happened as I think part of me thinks that it was still my fault or that the way I am dealing with it is wrong, but I thought if there is anywhere to talk about something like this thats a safe space its here.
Also I have no proof read anything this is all just me vomiting out how I feel so I apologise to anyone who reads this.
“I can’t find my pants” I think I said or at least tried to. When I saw the light come through the window of a room I didn’t know everything became real. Finally looking from under the covers that I had been hiding under just like I had when I was a kid to stop monsters from coming in. The covers hadn’t stopped the monsters they had been under the covers with me most of the night taking turns on me as if I was nothing. I felt like nothing so maybe they were right, but as I looked towards the door where my friend stood I saw the guilt on her face for what had happened and it reminded me who I was and that I needed to get the fuck out of here. Leaving the house and barely saying a word everyone is hugging him with the hands he had slapped my arse with merely an hour ago. I hug him too out of shock and his touch created a numb feeling that spread through my whole body. I keep banging on about my passport to my friends and when they ask about last night I just tell them I remember saying no and brush it off as if it were normal.
When no didn't work I don't know what was going through my head, but I actually remember trying to re word no into "I'm tired please" like asking nicely would make two arseholes get lost after not taking no for an answer. When I got home I thought that my auntie had a sixth sense as she started to call the police before I had even told her what had happened. It turns out that actually wearing clothes that looked ripped and having bruises up and down you its very obvious that some bad shit has happened. We get through to someone who says we can go into the haven tomorrow first thing, but for now they are too busy. The woman at the other end then also adds that during this time waiting I will not be able to eat as to preserve evidence. I just got raped by two men old enough to be my dad and now your telling me that comfort food is a big no no. When we got into the Haven the next day everything felt surreal I remember saying that week about how lucky I was that I had spent 8 months travelling the world and had nothing bad happen. No theft, No bad fines and No scams yet here I was in a city I felt at home and it had taken less than a week for my life to be in shambles. I know people say to not let it own your life but that is easy to say when your not sitting naked in an examination room with your legs spread open as you have to take two strangers through all of the different things you remember. Telling this to them as they collect samples from your vagina, your mouth and touching areas that sting physically and make you want to burst into tears emotionally for what they remind you of. I think of stupid things to distract myself with like how it had to be my work clothes I got raped in so I will have to be buying myself some more which I definitely can't afford. As the nurse places my clothes in a bag for evidence she tries her best to comfort me bless her, but then gives me the unappealing clothes to wear back to my house. I could not tell what they were trying to achieve putting someone into the and I am not going to lie ugliest top I'd ever seen. Being assaulted made me feel ugly and disgusting so now wearing a mustard yellow see through vest I looked and felt the part to start losing my shit. I tried taking a walk later that week an activity I still do not understand why I did when all I wanted to do for the rest of my life was lie on my aunties sofa and drink myself into oblivion, but there you go. I went with my cousin and his dog as I don't know why, but I had decided every stranger was a potential threat. It was nice for all of about three minutes when we bumped into someone we know. "Hey! hows it going? what are you guys upto?" the unnamed and unintentionally upsetting friend began to chat. In my head I answered "Yeah yeah It's been alright I mean except life being meaningless to me, being raped and having to get into fake happy conversations with other people, but yeah you know its been alright" .
It turns out instead I just sort of stared at her for awhile and then was like "Yeah Great how about you?" Almost a bit manically. She took absolutely no notice and sorted of ploughed through her last weeks content. I hope she would go on forever, but she stopped and when I didn't reply she got awkward and tried to scramble for something to talk about. "Love your top B where did you get it?" She blurted. At which point I realized I was still wearing the Haven Clinic top, now she could have been serious about liking or she could have been trying to be nice I will never know as I at that point burst out laughing. I mean you have to remember I am fucked in the head, but what was I supposed to do say "Oh this top well I am afraid you wouldn't like to buy it I had to give my sanity and physically security to get it" or "The rape clinic" or "You don't want to know." I went off home without really giving an answer in fact just giving a quick goodbye instead. My cousin caught up with me easily as I walked to the exit back to the house and did so silently something that I am grateful for since lord knows what kind of other dark jokes could pop into my head and slip out. I was still working during this whole time as well as a bartender and despite everyone telling me to quit as working for an environment which reminds you of how easy it is for people to spike drinks was not part of the healthy process of moving on. When I say everyone I mean my auntie and my cousins and I ignored there advice for 3 months. I don't know whether it was some kind of self harm putting myself through triggers everyday or that I was worried if I quit what I would do with time to think about what happened which I already did all night anyway. Maybe as well I thought I was going to go on some mission to save all women from creepy men by refusing to serve them or giving the women who were too drunk tonic water and a number for a taxi. Who knows as I guess I did a lot of strange things, but that is what happens when you get raped and then have absolutely no support from anyone who gets it.