I was almost raped again three nights ago. I went to a nearby park to take a walk and clear my head. However someone noticed I was alone and when I unlocked my car they got in with me. Fortunately for me the immediately tried to put their penis in my face where I promptly lost my patience and bit it. I think the only reason I haven't freaked out more about it is because an ex of mine came over and comforted me. And I was ok with that I missed being friends with them. And a body that I had practically memorized gave me so much comfort when I was so close to the edge of giving up.
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I deserved everything
Its obliterating when you run into your rapists multiple times a day. I'm not strong enough to not feel ashamed. To not get scared and avoid eye contact. To not have anyone tell me I'm worthy of being loved. That I'm not used trash. I'm not a white or a sl*t who doesn't know how to keep her legs closed. I'm not nasty or a disease. To have someone be there for me. Its all I've ever wanted.
Full of jealousy
Living my life in my past
Bottling my pain
Full of love
Ask for too much attention
Not ready to let go
I've been reliving them in my dreams.. I woke up and I'm so scared I can't move..Then the pain starts.I'm so sore it like I went to the gym the night before. And so many common things from my life remind me of it all the time. In not sure how much longer I can live like this
Today he blamed me. He touched me. And I felt so helpless. I wanted to call out for anyone but I knew they wouldnt come. They were busy doing their own things. Living their own lives. I feel so alone. I don't want to live anymore
Today I was reminded of the third boy to rape me. This one felt too real. It was almost like I was there again. I could feel his hands pushing my face into the dirt and his knees on my chest. This one I feel is almost my fault. I had a chance to scream for help but I stayed quiet. The only satisfaction I got then was the ants bit his di*k.. But that still didn't stop him. I even told him I had been raped before and when he asked if I thought he was raping me I stayed quiet again, then again my dogs understand the word no and stop so there really is no justification for raping someone. I really did say no and I said stop, please get off me. Please give me my phone. Get off me. It hurts. After that I just went limp. Eventually he noticed I blanked out. But that didn't stop him from finishing.. I don't think ill ever be able to go to a park without thinking about what he did to me. Sometimes I can still see the hand mark on my arm. Like a fading scar.
Yea I'm pretty much ready to give up on life. I broke down and cried in a laundromat.. Maybe its all the Spanish but I'm so tired of working. I just wanna lay in bed and cry all day. It feels like everything I do is wrong. Even with my boyfriend. Its barely been a week and i feel like I'm too clingy or that I bother him too much. I guess that's normal but he reads this too and I feel like its too much for him to deal with so new into the rrelationship. We've known each other almost 5 years we just didnt talk very much the first 3... I don't want to look fragile and broken but that's all I feel.
I can still feel the pain from all the abuse I suffered through. Sometimes it hurts to sit down or just to breath. I've stopped relying on painkillers and insomniacs to get through the days and nights so a little progress there. It just hurts so much. I never told my mom that *greg1* had anal sex with me. There was so much blood that night... I could barely get up the next morning but *greg1* sent me to school so my mom wouldn't get a phone call. Only 2 of my friends know this happened to me because they witnessed the pain I felt first hand. I dont think ill ever forget the helplessness I saw on their faces. How do you help someone who hurts on the inside?
Ive started dating my best friend *greg2* and I'm pretty sure I am completely and utterly in love with this man. There is no way that these 2 men are alike. He makes me feel beautiful everyday. Now onto what this blog is for. I came to realize I might have to change the title to 128, because I remembered a time where my ex forced himself onto me because he was angry that I didn't want a polyamours relationship and considered him to be cheating on me. I never said anything because I thought that's what ppl did in relationships. I used to be so dumb. But sex without consent is still rape even if that person is your significant other.
I shared my story with 47 ppl so far.. All of whom I went to school with. I hate how most of them pitied me. Yea some also said I'm brave and strong but that such a generic and hidden way to say thank god it wasnt me. I want to make an actual difference. There was actually someone who shared their story with me. I felt so honored, its so hard to admit someone hurt you. But I have for sure taken a good step forward. I got a new job where I must speak only Spanish. I stutter a lot but they can understand me. And now I think I may start dating again. Ive only dated a few ppl in my life (enough to count on one hand) with my last relationship ending very badly. Honestly I probably shouldn't have even been in that relationship now that I can look back at it I wasn't ready for that level of commitment. I gave him my willingness virginity. It was the first time i ever gave consent. I know now I was too impulsive. I care too much what people think about me. That's also something I want to heal about myself. I still feel like crying when I tell someone no, I'm not sure if its because I think they'll hit me or because I taste their disappointment.
I think I've already said so but I want to become a sort of motivational speaker. Except I want to share my story to everyone. Especially schools. If anyone has any information about how I can do this please comment or message me.
For a long time while *greg1* was raping me I pretended to be asleep. I kept pretending it was ok as long as I didnt talk about it or "wake up". I'd gotten used to the pain in my vagina and was sometimes actually asleep while he did it. I knew he did because when I woke up, I wouldn't be wearing underwear anymore. At this point my mom thought our landlord was stealing my underwear for her kids. Unfortunately he is also why its difficult for me to listen or speak Spanish. It brings back too many bad memories. Remember I was 8 years old at the time, this was all being engraved in my brain. I think it was at this point I began falling into a sort of depression, I do remember being suicidal. School was my only escape but sometimes he'd keep me home. On bad days I would knock myself out by slamming the back of my head against the metal bed frame. I hated being awake while he used me.
The first time *Greg1* raped me I had no idea what was going on. Just that it hurt. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move away from his vice like grip. I just stared at the sleeping peaceful faces of my twin and my little brother and I justified that if I put up with this they wouldnt have to. At just 8 years old I already protected my family more than mother. That night he kept my underwear. And my mom said nothing when she came in the next morning. And at school no one said anything about how I walked or why I couldn't participate in gym class. Eventually I couldnt protect my sister anymore but she rarely was subject to his abuse. I kept secret for 2 years.Only 2 ppl know how many times he raped me. And at 8 years old I knew what it was like to want to kill myself and the hate you need to be able to kill another person.
*name changed to protect a friend with the same name*
So today was a little different. I'm pretty cautious when ppl give me the creep vibe but the man living in the apartment across lit my radar on fire. I stopped coming home only to drop off my siblings but I noticed he hasnt been home. Tonight is the first night I get to sleep in my own bed. But I sort of don't want to, I've been staying with my friend *Greg2* which as karma would have it is the same name as the man who raped me 125 times. Its weird being able to find a friend in him and sometimes lover (I'm 19 it happens). I genuinely feel like I may love him but he has a horrible secret. His ex accused him of raping her. And he believes he might have.. I'm scared sometimes because no isn't something anyone likes to hear but he treats me like his equal. He says he's a monster like that man but a monster wouldn't ask consent before even holding my hand. I enjoy our little hang outs and every once in a while our dates. Just making him smile makes me happy. But what if he actually has that demon inside of him and what if it rears its ugly head at me?
*name changed for privacy
So this is my first day on this site. Ill start by explaining it was one man who raped me 125 times in the span of 3 months when I was a little girl. And I was raped 2 more times by 2 different guys while in high school. Both whom I thought were friends. I thought I was safe in my group. I was wrong. However these experiences have left me afraid of many things. I cry when I'm in a bathroom I can't stand it if it doesn't have a lock, I hate the dark, glow in the dark things, giraffes, tom and jerry, showers, basements, oat meal, and fishing. Even the park makes me have an anxiety attack. I want to get over it already. Its been almost 2 years since the recent attack and 11 years since it first started. More than anything I just want to get better.