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About this blog

Ive been raped 127 times and I hope to use this blog to help me get over my fears

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Entries in this blog

 

19

I'm too trusting. I started seeing this really cute guy and this morning I went over to watch movies. At first that's all it was. We cuddled and watched a scary movie but then he started kissing me. A little too rough but every time I told him to slow down and be gentle he ignored me. I let him keep kissing me but then he took my clothes off with out my permission. Only my shirt and bra because I hit him when he kept trying to take my pants off. Unfortunately he had picked me up so when I asked

Tree1

Tree1

 

18

Someone tried calling bullshit on me and I really don't like being called a liar. I reported him to his work place and was assured he will never hurt anyone again but I think that's kinda bullshit there... And if anyone is interested in the ultrasound message me privately. Not gonna lie when I saw it for the first time I was tempted to keep the little tyke but I am really not ready for a kid. In practically still a kid in the way that I look like one .-.

Tree1

Tree1

 

17

I think the real reason I'm so angry is because, he raped me too. When we had just started our relationship he used to "experiment" with my body while I slept. He told me he was curious to see my reactions. He wanted to know what turned me on even when I didn't want to be. And like an idiot I brushed it off. But the few times I woke up in those first few seconds, where all I saw was pitch black and felt hands on my body, I could have sworn I was 8 years old back in that musty basement. Helpless.

Tree1

Tree1

 

16

So I know I have been gone for a while. Lets catch up. Its 130 know my ex boyfriend lied to me, used me, cheated on me and got angry when I lost my shit. Then again wow did I lose my shit. Oh yea also 3 months pregnant with his baby because he just couldn't stay away. The reality is He's also a rapist. Yea I'm fucked. THANKS ANGEL. No I haven't had unprotected sex with anyone else. And I regret helping him. No I'm not keeping it. Unless its twins.

Tree1

Tree1

 

15

I was almost raped again three nights ago. I went to a nearby park to take a walk and clear my head. However someone noticed I was alone and when I unlocked my car they got in with me. Fortunately for me the immediately tried to put their penis in my face where I promptly lost my patience and bit it. I think the only reason I haven't freaked out more about it is because an ex of mine came over and comforted me. And I was ok with that I missed being friends with them. And a body that I had practi

Tree1

Tree1

 

14

I deserved everything   Its obliterating when you run into your rapists multiple times a day. I'm not strong enough to not feel ashamed. To not get scared and avoid eye contact. To not have anyone tell me I'm worthy of being loved. That I'm not used trash. I'm not a white or a sl*t who doesn't know how to keep her legs closed. I'm not nasty or a disease. To have someone be there for me. Its all I've ever wanted.

Tree1

Tree1

 

13

I'm sorry. I'm impatient       Full of jealousy        Clingy       Lazy       Living my life in my past       Bottling my pain       Untrusting        Full of love        Possessive        Messy         Tired         Weak          Fat          Pushy           Annoying          Ask for too much attention        Not ready to let go

Tree1

Tree1

 

12

I've been reliving them in my dreams.. I woke up and I'm so scared I can't move..Then the pain starts.I'm so sore it like I went to the gym the night before. And so many common things from my life remind me of it all the time. In not sure how much longer I can live like this  

Tree1

Tree1

 

11

Today he blamed me. He touched me. And I felt so helpless. I wanted to call out for anyone but I knew they wouldnt come. They were busy doing their own things. Living their own lives. I feel so alone. I don't want to live anymore

Tree1

Tree1

 

10

Today I was reminded of the third boy to rape me. This one felt too real. It was almost like I was there again. I could feel his hands pushing my face into the dirt and his knees on my chest. This one I feel is almost my fault. I had a chance to scream for help but I stayed quiet. The only satisfaction I got then was the ants bit his di*k.. But that still didn't stop him. I even told him I had been raped before and when he asked if I thought he was raping me I stayed quiet again, then again my d

Tree1

Tree1

 

9

Yea I'm pretty much ready to give up on life. I broke down and cried in a laundromat.. Maybe its all the Spanish but I'm so tired of working. I just wanna lay in bed and cry all day. It feels like everything I do is wrong. Even with my boyfriend. Its barely been a week and i feel like I'm too clingy or that I bother him too much. I guess that's normal but he reads this too and I feel like its too much for him to deal with so new into the rrelationship. We've known each other almost 5 years we ju

Tree1

Tree1

 

8

I can still feel the pain from all the abuse I suffered through. Sometimes it hurts to sit down or just to breath. I've stopped relying on painkillers and insomniacs to get through the days and nights so a little progress there. It just hurts so much. I never told my mom that *greg1* had anal sex with me. There was so much blood that night... I could barely get up the next morning but *greg1* sent me to school so my mom wouldn't get a phone call. Only 2 of my friends know this happened to me bec

Tree1

Tree1

 

7

Ive started dating my best friend *greg2* and I'm pretty sure I am completely and utterly in love with this man. There is no way that these 2 men are alike. He makes me feel beautiful everyday. Now onto what this blog is for. I came to realize I might have to change the title to 128, because I remembered a time where my ex forced himself onto me because he was angry that I didn't want a polyamours relationship and considered him to be cheating on me. I never said anything because I thought that'

Tree1

Tree1

 

6

I shared my story with 47 ppl so far.. All of whom I went to school with. I hate how most of them pitied me. Yea some also said I'm brave and strong but that such a generic and hidden way to say thank god it wasnt me.  I want to make an actual difference. There was actually someone who shared their story with me. I felt so honored, its so hard to admit someone hurt you. But I have for sure taken a good step forward. I got a new job where I must speak only Spanish. I stutter a lot but they can un

Tree1

Tree1

 

Questions

I think I've already said so but I want to become a sort of motivational speaker. Except I want to share my story to everyone. Especially schools. If anyone has any information about how I can do this please comment or message me.

Tree1

Tree1

 

4

For a long time while *greg1* was raping me I pretended to be asleep. I kept pretending it was ok as long as I didnt talk about it or "wake up". I'd gotten used to the pain in my vagina and was sometimes actually asleep while he did it. I knew he did because when I woke up, I wouldn't be wearing underwear anymore. At this point my mom thought our landlord was stealing my underwear for her kids. Unfortunately he is also why its difficult for me to listen or speak Spanish. It brings back too many

Tree1

Tree1

 

3

The first time *Greg1* raped me I had no idea what was going on. Just that it hurt. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move away from his vice like grip. I just stared at the sleeping peaceful faces of my twin and my little brother and I justified that if I put up with this they wouldnt have to. At just 8 years old I already protected my family more than mother. That night he kept my underwear. And my mom said nothing when she came in the next morning. And at school no one said anything about how I

Tree1

Tree1

 

2

So today was a little different. I'm pretty cautious when ppl give me the creep vibe but the man living in the apartment across lit my radar on fire. I stopped coming home only to drop off my siblings but I noticed he hasnt been home. Tonight is the first night I get to sleep in my own bed. But I sort of don't want to, I've been staying with my friend *Greg2* which as karma would have it is the same name as the man who raped me 125 times. Its weird being able to find a friend in him and sometime

Tree1

Tree1

 

1

So this is my first day on this site. Ill start by explaining it was one man who raped me 125 times in the span of 3 months when I was a little girl. And I was raped 2 more times by 2 different guys while in high school. Both whom I thought were friends. I thought I was safe in my group. I was wrong. However these experiences have left me afraid of many things. I cry when I'm in a bathroom I can't stand it if it doesn't have a lock, I hate the dark, glow in the dark things, giraffes, tom and jer

Tree1

Tree1

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