I notice it regularly. I go into public places trying to combat my anxiety and do regular, everyday things that would or should be considered miniscule or simple to average people. But to me....far from simple. I open the door, I look at the available seating arrangements, my mind goes "no don't sit there" "if you sit there everyone will face you" "don't sit there and look like an antisocial weirdo" "make sure you sit at least a seat away from somebody." The thoughts are endless and I'm at a catch 22 either way. I pick a seat. It seemed like the perfect choice. Close by the desk, near nobody, also not too far from the door. I overanalyze every alternative choice while trying to reaffirm the fact that I made the best decision for my personal needs. Over time while sitting there I realized how serious my anxiety was. There was this lady and lets say her mom sitting across the way from me. Every time I looked up I swore she was staring at me just thinking some mean or negative thing about me or my appearance. Never meeting or seeing this woman ever before in my life, I tried to rationalize my crazy, outlandish thoughts and separate fiction from reality. Although it isn't always or even close to usually as it easy as it may seem. I had nothing materialistic with me to distract me from the thoughts or the other people. Normally I would bring a book, or a word search, or my phone. Anything to give my mind another escape. But I did not. I sat there avoiding eye contact and repeatedly putting my head down while looking through the same 3 papers I've already looked over a million times. I kept biting and picking at my nails. While more outlandish comments came to mind. My anxiety is something I've noticed and have been attempting to handle for some time now. However, since the incident...things have been more out of control than ever. My thoughts, my mind, my irrationality, just everything illogical seems never ending. 24/7. I don't like strangers. I don't like men. (whom I do not know) I don't like unfamiliar places, I don't like being alone, I don't like my phone dying or being dead, I don't like being starred at, observed, any of that. Then I think...maybe, I don't like me? Maybe I hate me. I hate all I've done and haven't done up to this point to bring me to where I am now. Maybe I hate myself and that's just not something that is going to change over night. I want these wild, crazy, over the top thoughts to leave me alone! I want to feel okay again, trust and love me again. Oh Anxiety, how I have struggled all this time and you've done more harm than good, I'd enjoy nothing more than to bid you farewell. Please and thank you.
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