What is it like? To heal? To be healed? To be free? To run like a child once ran? To play? To skip? Is any of that possible? Why so many questions? Why no answers? Why did an hour or two steal my entire life away? My entire world? Including family? Why did she laugh when I said, "I forgive you." Why, if it's really her, does she shy away from me now? Why can't I cry? When can I scream? When is it enough for them? When is God coming back? Why do I feel like I've lost when I know I'm going to win? Where is the little girl? What happened to her? Why does my heart still break? -POM
About this blog
I can identify with a few things I've read in blogs...at 10, I found myself watching a 'rape' movie saying, "Git her, git her". . I had no way to know why I was so cruel and when I realized I was doing that, I stopped and felt ashamed. I had amnesia of the rape. I've noticed when I told my story to "close" (haha) friends, they thirsted (groveled) at the awful parts. I wonder now if they were also hurt... I had almost all men friends...even when I was married. I tried for years to connect with women, but there were so many false role models. My grandpa rocked me at a critical junction...grabbing me off the floor in the midst of chaos and just rocked me. My Dad squeezed my hand tight and admonished someone to leave in protection of me. My Mom, on the other hand, was dramatic and worried a lot. She wasn't trying to be that way, she was overwhelmed with many things. I didn't recognize that in my younger years. My sister often lied and manipulated me...she was older and my idol. My grandma thought I was a liar. I guess that's why men won. My closest friends now are men save for two woman who I adore. They've both suffered.
God is my everything. I hope you know Him and if you don't, ask me. He opened the memory banks and held me through all the rough spots. There were, it seems, a million rough spots. I'm so tired of it all. I once kept a garden, now I don't keep my house. I will help others whenever they call though. I'm an unpaid counselor who sits at your feet and listens well after the one hour timer rings. I don't have a degree...I have experience. No payment needed, just overcome. Get better and tell Satan...go to hell, in the name of Jesus.