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About this blog

Various, thoughts, complaints and poems.

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msmary

1. Finish the sentence…

Today I feel… okay. Probably from being high.

I’m so happy I have…  a place to live in the immediate future. Homelessness is one of my biggest fears behind mob mentality and bears

I fear…  being pitied and seen as some weak person that can't take care of themselves

I feel challenged by… My current work situation. That I have to face what I have done and that includes making my boss feel bad.

A wonderful thing that happened today… I began to internalize the idea that I had something happen to me that wasn't my fault that might still be deep within me.

If I had the courage, I would… Say exactly the truth and how I feel to every person that I see without embarassment.

Often times I wonder… what other people think of me. What they would think of me if they knew everything about me.

My mother … Is someone that I don't want to talk to ever again if I don't have to.

I showed a lot of strength when… When I decided to tell someone what truly happened and why I have for so long thought that it may have been my fault that it happened.

Sometimes I imagine… Not living anymore. It's not what I want to imagine and it's terrible. It's just hard to imagine goals for myself when I feel like I'm barely surviving.

I’m embarrassed that… I wasn't strong enough to fight back. That my way of fighting is so often to give up because I'm scared.

My greatest achievement in life is… Choosing to be a State Tested Nurses' Aide. Holding the hands of people I loved in their final moments. The care and comfort they recieved during the end of their lives.

 

msmary

Day 2

Today I talked to someone on the RAINN crisis chatline. I had a really honest talk in a way that I never have with someone about my most scarring trauma. We discussed how my sexual preferences don't change the way consent is experienced. I for the first time ever felt confirmed that I did experience SA. I don't know how I feel about it. I mostly just feel numb. I realized that I need to work on getting a better support system and that I can do that by being honest and letting some people in. I think I have moved past day 1.

 

msmary

Day 1

My life is kind of in shambles right now. I'm in a temporary job situation where I have to live at a summer camp with 16 adults and 60 some children, away from my boyfriend. In my first few weeks there I got moved into a building where it was me in one room and a male stranger in another and we were sharing a bathroom where the door didn't lock. He seemed like a nice guy but being alone with him made me anxious based off my previous experiences in similar dorm style situations. I had too tell my boss who didn't react in the way I needed him too and ever since I've been realizing that I may not have dealt with some things in my past that I need to face if I'm going to live.

I told a friend about this, and he helped me confirm what I already knew which was that I needed to get some serious help. I haven't gotten that help yet but I have been here for a couple weeks now and I feel like I understand some things a little bit better having talked to people who have been in similar situations. I hate feeling pitied. I hate people looking at me like I'm broken. I really just want to escape and not feel anything anymore because the more I feel the less happy I am.

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