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What happened, the healing, the feelings

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bodhi_rose

April 22, 2017. Prom night. It was supposed to be a fun and glamorous night...it ended up becoming one of my worst nightmares. The boy who I had feelings for , and whose friends had been trying to convince me to get into a relationship with  took another girl even though we had been flirting en mass the weeks before ( it may have to do with the fact that I had rejected him for a relationship once before because I am scared of getting hurt anyway that doesn't really matter now) and during the actual I was shoved approximately 3 times because of the tightness of the space. My friend and I had planned on leaving early anyway because of a party that the boy mentioned above convinced me to go to ( My date a.k.a my close girl friend and I were just going to go explore the beach but then she wanted to meet up with a boy from work and I didn't want to sit lonely while they made out on the sand). The drive to the party I was incredibly tense, I am not sure why but I was just so stressed out and upset. Instantly when I got to the party, I took a shot and then another and then my friend and I went outside and we smoked a joint each. I still felt uneasy, so another shot and then a "Friend" thought it was funny so she had me do a shot of tequila, at this point I was just kind of walking around not really knowing what to do. Someone asked me to take pictures of them, and thats when I sort of felt the hit but I was trying so hard not to act like it and thats when things start to get fuzzy, I don't remember putting the camera down but the next thing I'm taking another shot from tequila girl. That's when things get really bad. I remember going to the bathroom and in my memory things were kinda dark and hazy. When I leave the bathroom, there is the boy standing at the breakfast bar of the kitchen. I don't remember walking up but I remember standing at the bar and talking to him, he offers me a drink from his polar pop, a mix of mountain Dew and vodka, I remember giving him a shot and then taking one myself. I think we kept talking, I am not sure how much time has past but I remember laughing and saying "I'm sooo drunk". Then I remember a person walking up to us and saying " are you gonna kiss her yet?", I know we kissed but I don't remember the feeling I just remember blackness. I'm not sure how much time passed but the next thing I remember is someone walking up and saying " you two are really cute but get a room" I know when they said this I opened my eyes but I couldn't make out the person, everything just seemed incredibly hazy and dark. The next thing I know we are in one of the back bedrooms, he is one top of me kissing me but all our clothes were still on. I hear knocking on the door, banging, I just laughed. But then a weird feeling came over me, almost like fear or nervousness but I just knew my head hurt and I couldn't really feel anything, I couldn't feel my body or feel his on top of mine, or I don't remember the feeling. I rolled him off me and just kept repeating "no, just lay down just lay down" then I remember going to sleep. The next thing I vaguely remember is someone saying "your mom is here" I tried sitting up and then fell things go back to black. I remember being in the car and my mom just scolding, as she rightfully should have. I get home, get into my jammies and go to sleep. The next day I was so upset with myself for getting so drunk, but I thought nothing had happened that I had slept and he had left me. This was unfortunately not the case. I had snapchatted him that morning asking what happened, his response? " do you really want to know?". That's when I started to freak out, my heart sank... no, this sweet innocent boy who was my friend couldn't have done what I think....I of course said I wanted to know and I got a cold reply " so long story short... I popped your cherry, the alcohol hit you like a bus and then you threw up and passed out". I almost threw up. I went into panic, I told him to call me but that just made it even worse. I was crying, in shock. I asked him why, and just kept saying you seemed fine and when I told him I didn't want to, he replied with " oh, i guess i can see why you would be upset but you know what happened happened and you should just forget about it and move on" after we hung I was freaking out, I didn't know what to do, I just wanted a hug from my mom. I went out crying to my parents and when I finally got the words out thats when the frenzy began. My dad started cursing, I was told to get my underwear from that night and when I saw them in sank in deeper, they were covered in blood... the hospital visit was scary, the police station was even scarier. The police had me troll him and one of his responses were " you know me, to accuse me of taking advantage of someone is wrong, shameful and disheartening." I still can't understand how a boy I once trusted and thought I could even love be so cold and mean and not understand what he had done wrong. 

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