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About this blog

It was summer time when it happened. I was six years old and going into the first grade. I was an adventurous, playful, curious child and that day I was playing outside with my neighbor. I am not sure how old he was at the time. Maybe 16? But in my six year old perspective, he might as well had been a grown man. We were on my driveway, not sure what we were playing, but he asked me to come back to his house, which was right next door. I excitingly agreed and was eager to see what the inside of his house looked like. I always loved exploring the inside of other people's homes for some reason. He had me sit on his foot, and walked with me, sitting there. I was laughing, I was having fun, I didn't have a worry in the world. 

I can't remember the couple minutes it took to get from the front door to his bedroom, I just have an image of the living room, with the tv set on and the back of two heads (his parents) watching the tv. The next moment, we were in his room. At first, it was still playful. I think he was throwing me on the bed (in a playful way) and I was still laughing and having fun. I think he asked me to sit on the bed? I can't remember if I was scared at this point or wondering if he was going to play another game with me. But then he held me down and in an instance my carefree self was gone, and fear and panic rose up inside of me. He took off his pants and exposed himself.  He was forcefully trying to put his penis inside of me. I was so terrified. I was screaming, crying, trying to fight him. But I couldn't fight him, he was too big. In that moment, I felt fear beyond what I knew existed, I felt helpless, I felt like I was trapped and would never escape. The moment seemed to last forever, but it must have only been a couple of minutes. Luckily, he never got his penis inside of me ( I don't remember feeling any pain), or at least, he didn't have time to because all of a sudden there was a knock on the door. He stopped abruptly, and dressed himself. I guess my pants came back on? His parents answered, and I heard my mom's voice asking where I was. I remember being so relieved, I think I ran out of that room. I don't remember anything else after that. To me, I thought I looked very upset like something bad had happened. Whether or not my mom asked if something was wrong, I'll never remember. I just remember from that point on, I felt so so so ashamed, disgusted, embarrassed, (the list goes on), about what happened that I swore to myself I would never tell anyone.

I kept that promise until I was 16 years old. The only reason why I told my mom was because I was having a panic attack and thought that if I told this secret, my mind would feel relieved and my panic attack would subside. It didn't. The secret was out there and I did not feel any sense of relief at all. By this point in my life though, I felt so disconnected from myself and reality, that it didn't mean anything to me to expose that secret. The only thing I remember feeling was scared to unveil this ugly part of me to my mom. 

I started having really bad anxiety and panic attacks a month away from my 16th birthday. 

I still suffer from anxiety and depression, I'm 21 now, and I know it is because of the reality my mind constructed after that incident, and carrying the burden of that experience and all of the negative emotions I felt from that experience, inside of me for so long.

I would definitely say I am still in victim mentality. I have no self-esteem. I honestly think I am a worthless person. I think everyone is better than me, even the guy who tried to rape me. 

I am not trying to receive pity from anyone. This is just the honest truth of how I feel about myself, and it's annoying telling someone who has never had victim mentality before, all of these things. Because they're immediately going to look at you like you're crazy for feeling this way, and try to comfort you and tell you that none of that is true. But it is true, if you have victim mentality. I construct who I am and how I feel that I am, and what I feel I am now is a victim. A weak, worthless, victim. Obviously, I do not like feeling this way. It's horrible, to hate a part of yourself. To be your biggest enemy. But that's just my state of mind at the moment. Deep down, do I know these qualities are just manifestations of victim mentality? Well, yeah. But I have had this suppressed, core beliefs since I was six years old and am just now starting to uncover them. I love my soul, but I hate myself. If that makes sense?

Oh well, this is long enough already.

If anyone feels or has felt the same way as me and could give me some support or a conversation, that would be what I need. 

Stay positive everyone, and remember that life is a journey and no matter how much damage someone, or yourself, can do to your mind and your body, your soul is what will always remain true to you. Nothing can damage that. 

 

Entries in this blog

nomadlady1

diary

The thoughts and feelings that I need to separate from myself. The thoughts of failure which stem mainly from the trauma. The trauma that I continue to overlook. 

My name is Chloe Colaianni and when I was six years old I was almost raped by my neighbor. The experience has put me through hurdles, and my biggest hurdle right now is the anxiety I face. The anxiety is a huge part of me defeating this. The anxiety is a small little part of me that I need to wrap in a ball and throw away. Like my T said, I can regard the anxiety as a movie. Anytime I feel self doubt, take a breath and say out loud, Chloe, this is not you this is the anxiety. You do not have to nitpick at everything and overanalyze all to the point where you're making up scenarios in your head.

 

I accept myself, I accept that I was molested...And now I have to embrace the strong, woman that I am. But that starts with not fearing this anxiety. Not giving it power over me. Not gibing my mind power. Listening to my heart

nomadlady1

My movie today

Tonight when I reflect on the moments of the day, i will laugh at myself for the times my mind gave me thoughts that made me feel insecure, and worthless. I will laugh at that because it is absolutely silly that I treat my mind like it is this bully I have no control over; this ominous entity which casts a black veil of weakness over my self reflective eyes. It is quite the opposite. It is like the movie, the Wizard of Oz, with that man, I can't remember what they call him, but he acts like this all knowing, all seeing, powerful god, but really he is just a man behind a computer. It's kinda like that, except I am the man behind the computer. I decide which thoughts to keep and which thoughts to filter out. I decide what I want to shift my energy toward. It all felt so simple just yesterday. All of this felt so automatic. But I am learning that through action, and literally taking the decision in the moment to not give into the thoughts, slowly makes you feel like you are the one in control of your mind, and your mind is nothing but a machine under your operation. It's okay to feel emotional. When thoughts come remember to view them with compassion, understanding, and acceptance. Do not fight them. Remember they are in your complete control. You can focus on good things, and things that make you feel good because you deserve it. 

 

nomadlady1

Daily exercise

I was asked by my therapist to speak out loud everyday the sexual violence I suffered as a child. She said it was a way to deal with the buried emotions caused from the event and dispel the bad energy I have been keeping inside since it happened. Also, it's so I can stop detaching myself from the memory, which essentially causes me to bury and ignore apart of my life, myself. 

______________________________________________

When I was six years old I was a curious, playful, adventurous child. I was always wanting to learn new things, and keep up with my big sister. I remember I learned how to ride a bike on the first try when I was five years old because I wanted to ride with the big kids in the neighborhood. I was a hesitant child, but I wouldn't say I was a 'scaredy cat'. I was just thoughtful and very observant, and liked to asses and understand my surroundings. Mostly, everything just made me wonder. I wondered all the time, about everything, but mostly the stars in the sky. Sometimes, I remember I would sit outside and look up at the sky and be so overwhelmed with emotions. Positive emotions. Sometimes it would bring me to tears. I was always a deep person. And I was also molested as a child. I was molested by my neighbor, a teenage boy actually, he was only maybe 15/16. He took advantage of my innocence, of my curiosity. It still hurts me to this day. To think that I was hurt in such a way. But I need to stop separating myself from what happened. Because it did happen to me. And I am no longer going to be ashamed of it. I am going to embrace it, because no matter how hard I push it away, the experience is never going to go away. It can only be accepted, and I can grow from it. I was molested, I was sexually violated, and I was totally, without a hesitation, not suspecting any sort of bad behavior to occur. but that's where I need to stop myself. Why should have I suspected anything bad was going to happen? I did not even know such terrible things could be done, that a person could treat another person in such a way. What a heart break that was. But still, I am not going to dwell on any sort of thought that relates to me knowing that something was going to happen. I had absolutely no idea. And that's a good thing-well it's definitely not a bad thing. 

I am Chloe and at the age of 6 years old my neighbor and I were playing outside together, and he asked me to come inside his house. I excitedly agreed and he took me in his room and forced me on the bed, forced my pants down, and tried to rape me. I was so scared and terrified, and I was fighting but he was too strong. I am so lucky that he did not manage to physically have sex with me, because my mom knocked on his front door, worried about where I could be. He stopped abruptly. And I don't remember how I got out of there, I just remember I never wanted to return or see his face again. Too bad he lived right next door. 

I didn't tell my mom until I was 16 years old.

And even now, retelling this, I feel so emotional, so stuck in it. I guess it's a good and a bad thing, because it makes me realize that a lot of my anxiety and insecurity with myself comes from the bad energy of this moment I have kept inside me for so long. but it;s bad well, because who wants to recount a kinda memory like that.

Anyway, I hope this did not trigger anyone, that is the last thing I want. This is mostly just for my sake, a personal outlet.

enjoy the day

chloe

 

nomadlady1

DISCLAIMER: I do go into a little bit of detail about my intimacy with my ex boyfriend. It was always sweet, loving, non abusive, and consensual, but still, just want to give a warning!

 

Hello everyone!

So in case anyone needs to read a juicy excerpt of young adult relationship drama, look no further than this post right here!

Hmm, but in all seriousness, I was and still am super emotional about my problems with my relationship.

And I was just having anxious thoughts, not pertaining to the relationship, but to this anxiety that I am getting so tired of!!

I thought, hmm what if what is causing the anxiety is something physically wrong in my brain, and I have to get an operation?! My second thought was girrrl, go get yourself an fMRI stat!

But then, I was like, welllll, you did suffer sexual violence as a child, maybe it was only one time, but it definitely changed and altered a lot of your perceptions. Although, because nothing is impossible, the chance that there is something physically wrong with your brain is still there, but most likely, you are suffering from anxiety due to defining your worth and strength based on being molested. Which, I hypothesize, will make anyone feel, at least bad about themselves. 

But anyone else with anxiety have crazy thoughts like this? I am only having it now because I feel like I have been making a lot of progress but it has been exhausting for my mind. Maybe this is my mind retaliating, making me feel more anxious. That's not nice mind!

 

ANYWAYS, so here's the juice on my confusing, annoying, relationship:

I began to have a relationship with a guy two years ago, we actually met up on tinder, and no I was not a usual user of tinder, but I was with a friend who recommended it to me just to be silly since we had nothing to do that night, so I thought hey, why not. So i actually strike up a nice conversation with this guy, who just moved to where I live in the U.S. from a country in South America. I do not want to name said country just for privacy reasons (I know I am a little paranoid), but lets just say this country is suffering political and economic turmoil, and he moved to the U.S. to start a better life.

WELL, so we met up and hit it off super well. We decided to meet up again and go to the beach. It was nice, but in the back of my head, I felt the numbness that I always feel about myself. I was happy to be with a new person who I got along with, I mean I wasn't necessarily attracted to him in a romantic way, but I was just letting things happen. So when we get back to mine we actually kissed and he slept over (we only kissed). Now, here is where I got a little upset with myself because I remember telling myself after my ex boyfriend and I broke up that I would not move so suddenly with the next guy, I would give it time, and try to feel myself out first: do I really want to hook up this guy because that is all i want, or do I want to hold off on that so I can actually build trust toward him, and possibly develop a loving, trusting, relationship? Well, I guess I went with the previous option, because a couple days later, we hung out again, but this time, we did more than kiss. I let him go down on me, but I don't know why I did that. It was definitely consensual, and it was a really lovely experience, but then he asked me to return the favor and I immediately felt disgusted and bad about myself. I have a really bad perception of giving oral sex to a man, so it just ruined my night. However, he saw how upset I was, and sweetly took me in his arms and told me to relax, that he did not care at all, and he was just happy we could enjoy an intimate moment together. It did not make me feel better. I felt so angry with myself. Why could I not accept the fact that it was okay that I did not want to reciprocate? Like, I was not trying to be selfish, I just knew it would make me feel worthless, because that is how I perceive it, and still do (that's a whole different story though).

But yeah, he was totally cool with it, I still felt super bad that I was allowing any intimacy to happen between us at all though. I knew that that's not how I needed to start off my next relationship, because intimacy has always been a negative thing in my mind, ever since I was molested. So, for me, I did not start the relationship with a good mentality. I was always weary of him, and I always felt scared that there could be a side of him he is hiding, a perverted, overly sexual side. That is like my biggest fear in a relationship, to discover that I have been with a man who has the same traits (at least in my head they are kinda the same) as the man who took advantage of me. It sucks because looking back on it, and hearing what my friends and family have told me, this man who I apathetically treated as my boyfriend, adored and loved me so much. And I never let myself feel that love :( A couple months into the relationship we took the intimacy to the next level, and I pushed myself because I was conflicted. My mind was judging me harshly and critiquing me for not wanting to be selfish, and wanting to give more, it was making me feel like I was worthless for enjoying that aspect of intimacy with my boyfriend. Because of that, I sometimes felt hatred toward him, and always toward myself.

I never felt that feeling of security and trust that one must feel in order to have a healthy, vital relationship. 

Let's just say this is Part 1 of my relationship drama. I have endured enough drama today already with it, so I think I need a little break.

Enjoy your day/evening! 

And even through all this 'drama', I am not trying to keep myself bummed out! I am training my mind to stop dwelling on what I can not change/what needs to be accepted.

love,

pauline

nomadlady1

How can I enjoy intimacy with my boyfriend (now ex boyfriend) if I view the act as evil?

This belief is what has damaged my relationships. 

I never listen to my heart, only my mind. And my mind tells me it's okay to take the step, to open myself up and go the furthest point. 

And so I do.

But then afterwards I hate myself. And I hate my boyfriend. I call him names, I make him feel worthless, I make him feel like a pervert.

It's just a projection of my feelings toward myself. 

And then I feel myself recoiling. Hating myself more. Not knowing what to feel or listen to. So I just let my thoughts control me. And I sit there, filled with hate and disgust. 

And the cycle has begun. My hateful thoughts create hateful actions which makes me hate myself. 

ugh. 

 

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