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About this blog

It was summer time when it happened. I was six years old and going into the first grade. I was an adventurous, playful, curious child and that day I was playing outside with my neighbor. I am not sure how old he was at the time. Maybe 16? But in my six year old perspective, he might as well had been a grown man. We were on my driveway, not sure what we were playing, but he asked me to come back to his house, which was right next door. I excitingly agreed and was eager to see what the inside of his house looked like. I always loved exploring the inside of other people's homes for some reason. He had me sit on his foot, and walked with me, sitting there. I was laughing, I was having fun, I didn't have a worry in the world. 

I can't remember the couple minutes it took to get from the front door to his bedroom, I just have an image of the living room, with the tv set on and the back of two heads (his parents) watching the tv. The next moment, we were in his room. At first, it was still playful. I think he was throwing me on the bed (in a playful way) and I was still laughing and having fun. I think he asked me to sit on the bed? I can't remember if I was scared at this point or wondering if he was going to play another game with me. But then he held me down and in an instance my carefree self was gone, and fear and panic rose up inside of me. He took off his pants and exposed himself.  He was forcefully trying to put his penis inside of me. I was so terrified. I was screaming, crying, trying to fight him. But I couldn't fight him, he was too big. In that moment, I felt fear beyond what I knew existed, I felt helpless, I felt like I was trapped and would never escape. The moment seemed to last forever, but it must have only been a couple of minutes. Luckily, he never got his penis inside of me ( I don't remember feeling any pain), or at least, he didn't have time to because all of a sudden there was a knock on the door. He stopped abruptly, and dressed himself. I guess my pants came back on? His parents answered, and I heard my mom's voice asking where I was. I remember being so relieved, I think I ran out of that room. I don't remember anything else after that. To me, I thought I looked very upset like something bad had happened. Whether or not my mom asked if something was wrong, I'll never remember. I just remember from that point on, I felt so so so ashamed, disgusted, embarrassed, (the list goes on), about what happened that I swore to myself I would never tell anyone.

I kept that promise until I was 16 years old. The only reason why I told my mom was because I was having a panic attack and thought that if I told this secret, my mind would feel relieved and my panic attack would subside. It didn't. The secret was out there and I did not feel any sense of relief at all. By this point in my life though, I felt so disconnected from myself and reality, that it didn't mean anything to me to expose that secret. The only thing I remember feeling was scared to unveil this ugly part of me to my mom. 

I started having really bad anxiety and panic attacks a month away from my 16th birthday. 

I still suffer from anxiety and depression, I'm 21 now, and I know it is because of the reality my mind constructed after that incident, and carrying the burden of that experience and all of the negative emotions I felt from that experience, inside of me for so long.

I would definitely say I am still in victim mentality. I have no self-esteem. I honestly think I am a worthless person. I think everyone is better than me, even the guy who tried to rape me. 

I am not trying to receive pity from anyone. This is just the honest truth of how I feel about myself, and it's annoying telling someone who has never had victim mentality before, all of these things. Because they're immediately going to look at you like you're crazy for feeling this way, and try to comfort you and tell you that none of that is true. But it is true, if you have victim mentality. I construct who I am and how I feel that I am, and what I feel I am now is a victim. A weak, worthless, victim. Obviously, I do not like feeling this way. It's horrible, to hate a part of yourself. To be your biggest enemy. But that's just my state of mind at the moment. Deep down, do I know these qualities are just manifestations of victim mentality? Well, yeah. But I have had this suppressed, core beliefs since I was six years old and am just now starting to uncover them. I love my soul, but I hate myself. If that makes sense?

Oh well, this is long enough already.

If anyone feels or has felt the same way as me and could give me some support or a conversation, that would be what I need. 

Stay positive everyone, and remember that life is a journey and no matter how much damage someone, or yourself, can do to your mind and your body, your soul is what will always remain true to you. Nothing can damage that. 

 

Entries in this blog

 

diary

The thoughts and feelings that I need to separate from myself. The thoughts of failure which stem mainly from the trauma. The trauma that I continue to overlook.  My name is Chloe Colaianni and when I was six years old I was almost raped by my neighbor. The experience has put me through hurdles, and my biggest hurdle right now is the anxiety I face. The anxiety is a huge part of me defeating this. The anxiety is a small little part of me that I need to wrap in a ball and throw away. Like my

nomadlady1

nomadlady1

 

My movie today

Tonight when I reflect on the moments of the day, i will laugh at myself for the times my mind gave me thoughts that made me feel insecure, and worthless. I will laugh at that because it is absolutely silly that I treat my mind like it is this bully I have no control over; this ominous entity which casts a black veil of weakness over my self reflective eyes. It is quite the opposite. It is like the movie, the Wizard of Oz, with that man, I can't remember what they call him, but he acts like this

nomadlady1

nomadlady1

 

Daily exercise

I was asked by my therapist to speak out loud everyday the sexual violence I suffered as a child. She said it was a way to deal with the buried emotions caused from the event and dispel the bad energy I have been keeping inside since it happened. Also, it's so I can stop detaching myself from the memory, which essentially causes me to bury and ignore apart of my life, myself.  ______________________________________________ When I was six years old I was a curious, playful, adventurous

nomadlady1

nomadlady1

 

ranting about relationship and anxiety problems

DISCLAIMER: I do go into a little bit of detail about my intimacy with my ex boyfriend. It was always sweet, loving, non abusive, and consensual, but still, just want to give a warning!   Hello everyone! So in case anyone needs to read a juicy excerpt of young adult relationship drama, look no further than this post right here! Hmm, but in all seriousness, I was and still am super emotional about my problems with my relationship. And I was just having anxious thoughts, n

nomadlady1

nomadlady1

 

How can I enjoy intimacy?

How can I enjoy intimacy with my boyfriend (now ex boyfriend) if I view the act as evil? This belief is what has damaged my relationships.  I never listen to my heart, only my mind. And my mind tells me it's okay to take the step, to open myself up and go the furthest point.  And so I do. But then afterwards I hate myself. And I hate my boyfriend. I call him names, I make him feel worthless, I make him feel like a pervert. It's just a projection of my feelings toward mys

nomadlady1

nomadlady1

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