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I havent been feeling much like writing lately. I am finding it hard to put any thoughts in the open and put words to my feelings. It is having the normal affect of driving into a depressive state and isolating myself further. Neither of which is very productive to trying to live a stable life.
I made this hoping that the words would start again. Writing my thoughts and feelings are my strong point. Right now, I have nothing to say and am drained by it all.
So let's try something positive today. Something that requires no analysis. I hope lol
Yayyy for 5 hrs of sleep all at once. I am the master of sleep now lol
I found out that my trainer loves to scare the new hires by telling them I am mean. He corrects it later. And I thought it was my RBF (Resting B#$%h Face)
I binge watched all the Star Trek Next Generation and Star Trek Voyager. Definitely not a trekkie but these 2 series I have always liked.
I am safe.
I forgot no
I have done a pretty poor job of making daily entries. Some days have been more difficult than I planned on. Some thoughts have been a lot harder to put in a private public forum. Finding words to express the inner chaos has been trying to say the least.
The current theme has been sadness and shame. Sadness is a common daily theme. It never goes away. Planning for a future while trying to come to terms with a past makes a lot of mistakes and errors. Why? The future sometimes is hard to see.
That's what I need to know, to believe. That's the comfort I need to feel. To be safe and held in caring arms. To have, just for a few moments, the worries in my head to melt away. Or at least not matter for a minute. Deep inside I long for this. But a greater fear wont allow that to happen. Amazing how fear can override the deepest of desires.
For now, I leave this here, hoping the admission soothes me. I should be asleep but I cant. Another hour and I may as well go to work a few hours ea
Dear Little One,
I know you are afraid and confused. I want you to know that is ok. You have some memories that you dont understand. They are very hard to understand for someone so young. Some people hurt you. You were too young to know how to handle it. You are not to blame.
When your daddy was acting strange, it was not him. It was the drugs. Because they always taught you to be strong and protect your sister and brother, you did what you had to. You hid them so they were safe. You c
Forgiveness I am told starts with me. Once I forgive myself then I can forgive those who caused me me pain. I never quite understood what I should forgive myself for. It is difficult for me to feel as if I made an error that caused such an affect and I am supposed to wash the slate clean. That is supposed to remove the guilt and shame I feel. That is supposed to help me open lines of communication that dont exist now. Tonight someone said (not to me) you were a child. Forgive yourself for not k
It's just after 1am and I feel wide awake. Trying not to replay all the day, week year events. Looking for better ways to handle situations. Contemplating future situations and all the possible ways to handle them. That's my daily routine...working out all the should haves, would haves and could haves. Things that wont change what's happened. But it cant be stopped. I imagine what my brain would look like if all the thoughts took a physical form. I imagine that it is an organized, cluttered mess
The last 2 days have been blah. They were not bad days and there weren't necessarily great days either. I have tried to step back a little bit at work. The stress was mounting and there was no end in sight. Attitude reflects leadership and I am sure my teams attitude in many ways reflects the negative tone I have at times fighting one battle at work after another. It would be nice if they take on some of the positive qualities too like going to work every day on time and giving your all So I am
My sister and I took my niece to the zoo. She hasnt been in a few years. I want her to have a nice of possible. The weather was nice. Warm enough to stay out but cool enough to be tolerable. She had a great time. She loves most animals and learning.
It was a good temporary distraction from my troubled thoughts. Will have to figure out the next weekend plan. Water pad? Park? Movie?
I am preparing mentally for tomorrow. Not sure I can pull off what I need but I have to try. Maybe start
I think I need to reduce my interactions with people. Maintain minimal contact as required. The problem isnt the world. The problem is me. My negative outlook. My resistance to change. My lack of social skills. The problem is I project it in my face and body and everyone seems to react to it.
Continuing to force a situation is just adding further to the problem. Even when I am trying not to cause an issie, it is met with defensiveness. While I hoped that I had improved over the last 20+ yea
This has been a very trying week. My mind has been spinning a thousand thoughts a minute. I am stressed and sleep deprived. Since Sunday, I have gotten 6 hours of sleep. Emotionally, I am on the edge. I lost the ability to control them when one of my managers insinuated that we were no being proactive enough to deal with an ongoing issue. An issue where our hands a pretty well tied. An issue where the people I supervise are tired and worn out. They are in some cases overworked and underpaid and
Mother's Day has almost ended in the US. I am glad to see it go. While my mama and I have our issues, this isnt my problem with the day. Because I am involved in the lives of my nieces, nephews and some cousins people assume that I appreciate being wished a Happy Mother's Day. Why in the world would I appreciate that? I am not their parent. Their parents are alive and well. I assume the role I should take. I am an aunt but they rely on their mother. I am a cousin but the day to day work belongs
This has beena trying work week. Honestly its been a trying year. Every day is a new challenge and then there are those that never go away.
30 people who require managing, discipling and ecouragement. The encouragement was and is a hard one for me. It doesnt fit my task based personality. There is one who is especially challenging. She is an emotinal lady. She lacks confidence, self-esteem and is emotional to a high degree. She used to come in my office once a week and break down in tears
Today was a bit rough. Monday is the busiest day of the work week for me and this Monday was no different. Much of my morning was spent babysitting adults to do their job and stop wasting time. The say I am intimidating because I have a poker face. i show little emotion, good or bad. They never know what to expect from me so they are always on alert. I on the other hand am trying to find the most gentle voice and non-threatening words to address performance issues. Somehow, there is always one p
As I lay here waiting on sleep to find me, that question comes to mind. Am I enough? Am I sufficient as I am to be acceptable as a friend, daughter, sister? Am I enough as a co-worker?
My short answer is no. The longer answer is I feel seriously flawed. I dont feel like I am alone in that but it still exists. There are skills I never picked up. I never learned it. I never had a chance to apply it. I never learned to be a friend. To understand what that even means. I dont think it means I a
I have been contemplating reinstating my journaling. It was helpful to calm my mind at night so I can rest. Because of nosey family, a handwritten journal (which I love) is not an option. Then I saw this. Worried at first. It means my thoughts are seen by strangers who can respond. I had to realize the benefits outweigh the negatives.
I am hoping to do this daily, good and bad. I am hoping I can look back and see actual progress one day. I am hoping to find a voice for those things I cant m
