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Insomnia

It is frustrating when I cant sleep. If I fall asleep now, I can get 3 full hours but that wont happen. It is one of those nights where a billion thoughts are in my head and they all want to be answered of acknowledged. No sooner than I handle one another appears. And God forbid one becomes a complex stream of thought.  And it isnt just 1 train of thoughts. They are all over the place. Are the doors locked? What am I wearing to work? I should wash my laundry. My hair. What should I do with

aperson

aperson

 

Screaming inside

Shaking. The kind that you can feel start from the inside. From your bones to your veins to your muscles. Skin tingling. The trigger. Someone sat next to me.  I havent given my new co-workers the talk about my personal space. Last week one kept touching me. I silently prayed then. Today the prayer didnt work. I kept saying to myself, it will be fine. Sge will move soon. She didnt and the feeling kept building. I could no longer focus. The trembling became visible. Someone else saw and I got

aperson

aperson

 

Standing on the edge

You ever have those moments where you are so filled with 'stuff' that all you want to do is scream? All of the pushing down of feelings to try to stay present and 'sane' have caught up with you? All the fighting to not remember, be triggered or 'keeping a brave face' have worn you down? In an attempt to feel nothing, you feel everything? Now you just want to scream. Scream like a coyote howling during a full moon. Everything feels raw. Your patience is failing. Your anger is building. Your mind

aperson

aperson

 

Shutting down and shutting out

I am not sure which it is but my attempt at being open and honest is unsuccessful. I am definitely shutting out. Reaching out is just becoming too painful and isolating. It shouldnt be. People dont realize that words have power. They hurt whether we let on or not. They cut deeper than physical pain at times. And then there is the flat out dismissal of my feelings and thoughts. The dismissal of what I feel because it doesnt look like what they expect or want. I dont think it is shutting down

aperson

aperson

 

Destress they say...ha

While going for preop for my procedure, my blood pressure was super high. High enough that surgery would not happen withiut primary dr clearance.  Additionally, they took me to ER to control immediate blood pressure. The primary dr says in addition to meds I need to destress. But they wont clear me until bp is below 160/80. That was 2 weeks and 3 prescriptions ago. I am not sure how they expect me to lower stress at this point. They may not mean to but they scare me that high bp is a silent

aperson

aperson

 

After surgery...

I finally got approval for my surgery after months of dealing with my blood pressure. I am now 3 days after surgery. I will say I was a bit worried of how I would be enotiinally but it all seemed to go so well. I slept off the anesthesia day 1 with very minimal after effects. I had no bleeding and by bedtime very minimal cramping. But I could feel the emotions starting to trickle in. Day 2 was different. No cramping. No bleeding and the emotions had subsided. I thought this will be a breeze. No

aperson

aperson

 

Being vulnerable

So, I heard something on the radio the other morning which I know has been a HUGE struggle for me over the years. Being vulnerable. Being vulnerable has always been a huge struggle for me. I hardly let anyone see any of my emotions or internal struggles. In the 4th grade, I asked for a new bike for my birthday. I wasn’t sure that my parents would be able to afford one but that was the only thing that I wanted. The day of my birthday, I got my bike. Internally, I was ecstatic because I know they

aperson

aperson

 

6 weeks post-op

It has been 6 weeks. I had hope by week 3 that this procedure would work. That my dr giving me news in my last visit that there were some abnormalities in the samples taken during the procedure would just be her being overly cautious. That all this somewhat triggering stuff was over. A month post-op I was happy that this would be the end. But then came the cramping and spotting. I had hoped that this would bring me back to at least normal but it hasnt. I have pain daily. I am too afraid to conta

aperson

aperson

 

Sleepless nights...sigh

Here it is nearly 130am and I am lying here trying to silence my mind while much of the world is fast asleep. It's a battle I have been fighting for a few weeks now. I thought I was winning nearly a year ago. I was asleep before the late night shows came on. Slowly things returned. Some days, a bad movie helps. Other days, a sleep aid is needed. There are a few reasons why. Continuing to suppress feelings and emotions doesnt help. When the feelings creep in, I push them back and try harder

aperson

aperson

 

7am thoughts

So I stopped writing because I felt I wasnt writing anything new. Just repeating the same old same old. The problem is my mind didnt stop thinking the same old stuff. It still thinks and functions like the thought is new. I am losing at this battle. I have turned further inward. I am cutting people out. I am losing trust and faith and hope. I didnt have a lot of any to start with so losing a drop of any is something I cant afford. I cant/wont speak/write about it. I just want to cry them aw

aperson

aperson

 

Groundhog Day

Here we are with what is starting to feel like the movie Groundhog Day. A repeat of the same old nonsense. Another night of wanting an emotional release from the thoughts that are swirling. Another night that I find little relief.  Images and negative thinking that seems as normal as breathing today. Tackling back and forth with myself on who is at fault and what I can do better. Fighting the feelings of whether I remember it all correctly. Was it as some would say normal childhood explorat

aperson

aperson

 

No Title

So 1 night of 6 straight hours of sleep is all I get? Weeks of of getting 2-3 hours a day and 1 night is all I get. This is bordering on crazy. I am falling asleep on my lunch at work. Today I fell asleep on a conference call. It was less than 10 mins but it doesnt look good. I have been trying to be less focused on the negative. I hoped this would free my mind to relax. I am not trying to avoid anything just lessen the control the negative mindset has over me. Acknowledging I am not doing

aperson

aperson

 

Children...the tactless truth-tellers

My 11 yr old niece is taking a master class in this I believe. Example, I am person who is allergic to bug bites. I have been my entire life. When most people get a bug bite, it is a nuisance. They itch a while and move on. Bugs seem to be attracted to me though. They bite and invite their friends and I itch for weeks and blister. This means that I end up with horrible scars at times. I currently have terrible scarring on my ankles from flea bites over 2 years ago. They itch daily. My ankles are

aperson

aperson

 

11 yrs and no progress

You know, I started this journey because I needed to make an effort to deal with my past. But I am no better off than when I started 11 years ago. I thought I would eventually be able to say the words. That I would learn the skills to deal with this in a healthy manner. But I fear I am in the same position. I am still holding on to it and holding back from others. Just when I believe I am making progress, something happens and I realize I am not. I still push away everyone. I stop calling.

aperson

aperson

 

Sorry

I am broken. Sometimes it is hard to come to terms with that fact. Being broken and trying to grow is pointless. I cant grow because I will always be broken. I cant move on because I am broken. I dont like these feelings. I dont want these feelings. I am sorry that I have these feelings and cant move past them. I am sorry that I learned to protect myself too late. I am sorry I am not brave. I am sorry I brought shame to myself and my family. I am sorry that I allow this to affect people I c

aperson

aperson

 

Just want to be good

I really just want to be a good person. Be a good sister, daughter, aunt friend and worker. I just want to help others. But you cant do that when you need help yourself. But that's what I want. I want to be normal with feelings. I want to be able to relate to others in a genuine way. That's what they took. My ability to be any of those things. My belief that I will ever be any of those thing. Nothing will ever be the same. Even after all these years, I am still grieve the loss of the future

aperson

aperson

 

Healing, what would it be

What does healing look like for me? I ask myself this question often and the answer is pretty much the same. I just want to be content. Happiness seems like a goal of perfection. I want it but I know it isnt really possible. So I settle for what is possible. I dont think that is asking too much. Like I just want to be sure that I learn and grow from the past. What does healing look like? It means I sleep like a normal person. Bed at a decent hour and up at a decent hour. Most importantly, I

aperson

aperson

 

Help

Asking for help is so freaking hard. I mean the little things are easy. Can you help me move this table? Can you open this jar? But the big things...whew. Can you help me understand why this happened to me? Can you help me express myself feelings in less harmful ways? Even at work I find asking for help at certain levels is difficult. Again, the small tasks are no sweat. But if I feel like the expectation is I should be able to do it then the asking for help is harder. This isnt something n

aperson

aperson

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