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When life hands you lemons...

I feel like I am constantly being handed lemons lately. Every time I turn around there is one issue or another. Work sucked so I changed jobs but right now that os a huge question mark. From the training to the test to the calls. It was a financial hit too. Thought we could manage that but the universe seems to think differently. I tried to manage that with a vehicle that required less maintanence. 2 months in and I am looking at a 1600.00 repair bill. It just feels like every thing I try t

aperson

aperson

 

What you cant see

Some days the intangible losses hurt worse than the physical act. Those things people cant see but you still feel. Those things that you usually ignore because the physical is easier to explain. Yeah, those losses cant be measured so easily. And they are harder to explain to others. I just want to get back what I lost.

aperson

aperson

 

Week 3

This is week 3 of training and I am still clueless I feel. Still a lot I just dont get. It just doesnt make sense yet. Still have 9 weeks to go. The 2nd biggest change is the free time I have. No more working late nights, early calls, interviews, reports, babysitting grown adults. No more worrying how to keep the account afloat and trying to convince people to stay when the company is showing them they dont matter. I have my evenings free. I can just relax. But that would be too easy lol. I have

aperson

aperson

 

Triggers

Sometimes I forget the many triggers that I have. Storms, kids, food color and textures, smells, touch, emotions. Today's is storms. I generally make it through the others with minor aches and pain. Storms is the one that breeds instant anxiety. I dont even understand why. It has been an issue for as far as I can remember. As a child I can remember curling up in a ball at the thunder and lightning. Even in college, I would seek a quiet room with no windows. Someone would come sit with me seeing

aperson

aperson

 

They want me fired

I found out from someone that some people want me fired. I wouldnt be so bothered except the reason is because they say I have bad hygiene. I have already spoken with my boss about my performance and that I felt that my team had an aversion to me. I thought they felt like I was a poor leader. the truth is they dont want me around because I smell. I am not upset that they feel this way. They are right. I am more upset about the way it is being handled. I have emailed my boss and asked her to re-d

aperson

aperson

 

The wait is nerve racking

It has been 11 days since the biopsy and I have no results. My dr said she would have the results in about a week. It has been 11 days. Early on I was concerned but it was manageable. If the results came back negative for cancer, I would have the lesser invasive procedure that would stop the bleeding. If they were positive, I was prepared to have the hysterectomy and any other procedures to give my body a chance to fight. The longer the wait, the more I am nervous either way. The longer it takes

aperson

aperson

 

The Daily Battle With Myself

***********************FAIR WARNING***************THERE IS  BRIEF DISCUSSION OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS***********************   This ongoing battle within myself is quite painful. I like to believe that I have a reasonable amount of intelligence. But this battle I am not winning. I am not okay most days but I am really not okay today, this week. It's like the battle of an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. Both trying to lay out their case on why I she be on there side. But t

aperson

aperson

 

Still waiting so I surrender

Another week has come and gone and I still know nothing. I called the dr office 3 times. The first time, the dr called and left a message. Since I was working I couldnt answer. She apologized and said she was out for the rest of the day but to call and tell them if ok to leave results on a message. I call back and then nothing. I waited until Monday to call again. The nurse tells me she is out until Tuesday and will leave a message for her. I tell her I am a bit anxious about it. She says that c

aperson

aperson

 

Staying centered

I dont really know what to do with this. Maybe it should be a free writing excercise. Let the thoughts flow as they come. So, take 1. The last couple of months has been a blur. My grandmother is resting peacefully. I hope she is proud of who I am becoming. It is still a process for my dad. He and my sister have moments that they still grieve visibly. It is difficult for them to talk about her or see her pictures. I find her picture comforting in a way especially when I see her with her grea

aperson

aperson

 

Standing on the edge

You ever have those moments where you are so filled with 'stuff' that all you want to do is scream? All of the pushing down of feelings to try to stay present and 'sane' have caught up with you? All the fighting to not remember, be triggered or 'keeping a brave face' have worn you down? In an attempt to feel nothing, you feel everything? Now you just want to scream. Scream like a coyote howling during a full moon. Everything feels raw. Your patience is failing. Your anger is building. Your mind

aperson

aperson

 

Sorry

I am broken. Sometimes it is hard to come to terms with that fact. Being broken and trying to grow is pointless. I cant grow because I will always be broken. I cant move on because I am broken. I dont like these feelings. I dont want these feelings. I am sorry that I have these feelings and cant move past them. I am sorry that I learned to protect myself too late. I am sorry I am not brave. I am sorry I brought shame to myself and my family. I am sorry that I allow this to affect people I c

aperson

aperson

 

Something Positive

So let's try something positive today. Something that requires no analysis. I hope lol Yayyy for 5 hrs of sleep all at once. I am the master of sleep now lol I found out that my trainer loves to scare the new hires by telling them I am mean. He corrects it later. And I thought it was my RBF (Resting B#$%h Face) I binge watched all the Star Trek Next Generation and Star Trek Voyager. Definitely not a trekkie but these 2 series I have always liked. I am safe.  I forgot no

aperson

aperson

 

SO much to say...so little words

I keep trying to write something but none of it feels right. If feels forced. It feels required. It feels censored. Today I dont want to feel any of those things. Just know, I am not OK. I am not fine. I am not managing. I am hanging on by a thin thread most days. Stretched well beyond what I thought possible.I reached out and then pulled back. Why? Who knows. Because that is what I do. Because the help didnt feel like help.     

aperson

aperson

 

Sleepless nights...sigh

Here it is nearly 130am and I am lying here trying to silence my mind while much of the world is fast asleep. It's a battle I have been fighting for a few weeks now. I thought I was winning nearly a year ago. I was asleep before the late night shows came on. Slowly things returned. Some days, a bad movie helps. Other days, a sleep aid is needed. There are a few reasons why. Continuing to suppress feelings and emotions doesnt help. When the feelings creep in, I push them back and try harder

aperson

aperson

 

Shutting down and shutting out

I am not sure which it is but my attempt at being open and honest is unsuccessful. I am definitely shutting out. Reaching out is just becoming too painful and isolating. It shouldnt be. People dont realize that words have power. They hurt whether we let on or not. They cut deeper than physical pain at times. And then there is the flat out dismissal of my feelings and thoughts. The dismissal of what I feel because it doesnt look like what they expect or want. I dont think it is shutting down

aperson

aperson

 

She is gone.

This morning, while we sat with our grandma, she took her last breath. I made one of the hardest calls I have made so far in life. I called my dad to tell him she was gone. But he knew before I could get the words out. At 0623, she left us. She  went peacefully and without pain.  Before he got there, I straightened her clothes and cleaned her face. I told her that we would all be ok. I know she is in heaven now one of my new guardian angels. When my dad came I stayed near by in case he need

aperson

aperson

 

Screaming inside

Shaking. The kind that you can feel start from the inside. From your bones to your veins to your muscles. Skin tingling. The trigger. Someone sat next to me.  I havent given my new co-workers the talk about my personal space. Last week one kept touching me. I silently prayed then. Today the prayer didnt work. I kept saying to myself, it will be fine. Sge will move soon. She didnt and the feeling kept building. I could no longer focus. The trembling became visible. Someone else saw and I got

aperson

aperson

 

Sanity Check Day is Needed ( TW)

So I skipped work today. Mentally, I just couldnt do it today. Mentally, I was worlds away from the work stuff. When it gets to this point, work is not an escape. It is another thing I am required to do that I just dont want to do. I give less and less to it until I break. Today was the breaking. It also was not enough. TRIGGER WARNING Daily I get these images of what happened. It plays mostly as 5 second clips. I feel the touches. I see my face and theirs. I see a monster in them even

aperson

aperson

 

Ramblings...

Because my brain is all jumbled and my heart is hurting... I am finding it hard to stay centered right now. I try and get about 3 good hours. After that I am worthless. I cant help but focus on the message I got Thurs. I cant help but think of all that may want me gone. I cant help but think of how much I wanted this job to work only to have this happen. This was my career. My place to retire. I keep trying not to cry. I have to move on and move forward. But what I want is to hide in my bed

aperson

aperson

 

Ramblings during insomnia

It's been about a week that this mild insomnia has been going on. It started slowly months ago. I went from going to bed at a decent hour to staying up until 1 or 2 am. Now I am at no sleep or sleeping at 3 or 4 am. It's one of those things that spirals out of control before you become aware of it or why it happened. But I know why. I know how it started and why. Partially my fault because I cant say no. I removed myself from a stressful position to a much less stressful job. Best move at t

aperson

aperson

 

Out of Patience

I am giving fair warning to everyone. I. Am. Out. Of. Patience. I have none. Dont try to fool me. My mouth is bad today. If I sad it offensively. You can be damn sure I meant that way. And yes I will repeat it as many times as you need. It wont be any prettier. Just leave me the hell alone. 

aperson

aperson

 

Once a year...

Yesterday was Memorial Day. It is the 1 day a year I plan to go to the cemetary. I go to say hi to my family. The 'unplanned' trips are because I am at a breaking point. Those usually turn out very bad. Unfortunately, some of that family was toxic. My mother's family has the most in one place. Sadly, they are all together so there is no avoiding specific ones. Luckily I dont go alone. It is helpful because I dont get emotional and sit there crying alone. That doesnt mean that I am not affected.

aperson

aperson

 

Nothing has really changed

Potential trigger warning due to an unsafe situation. No violence.   It has always been very important to me that I feel safe. I need to feel safe in my surroundings and safe with those I talk to. Feeling unsafe causes immediate retreating in myself. With that being said, I realized that when it comes to being in a situation that feels unsafe, I have not made many strides to control it. I can say this because I was in this situation a few weeks back. I havent told anyone about it becau

aperson

aperson

 

No Title

So 1 night of 6 straight hours of sleep is all I get? Weeks of of getting 2-3 hours a day and 1 night is all I get. This is bordering on crazy. I am falling asleep on my lunch at work. Today I fell asleep on a conference call. It was less than 10 mins but it doesnt look good. I have been trying to be less focused on the negative. I hoped this would free my mind to relax. I am not trying to avoid anything just lessen the control the negative mindset has over me. Acknowledging I am not doing

aperson

aperson

 

Need to regroup

I have done a pretty poor job of making daily entries. Some days have been more difficult than I planned on. Some thoughts have been a lot harder to put in a private public forum. Finding words to express the inner chaos has been trying to say the least. The current theme has been sadness and shame. Sadness is a common daily theme. It never goes away. Planning for a future while trying to come to terms with a past makes a lot of mistakes and errors. Why? The future sometimes is hard to see.

aperson

aperson

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