After everything happened I just laid there and cried trying to get everything out of my head. His face, his voice. I then walked downstairs where my sister was sitting and she has asked if I had finally gotten "laid". She was the girl all the boys fell over and I guess in her mind she was trying to help...? Apparently, he told her that I refused to do anything with him and kicked him out, which he had said to cover the rape. I was so scared of him and the embarrassment that I just went along with it. Ever since I moved I haven't talked to my sister, I have no idea what I would say. I am slowly working up the courage to go to the police, I just feel like I need to heal myself before I can talk to anybody about what happened. My boyfriend suspects something and is really worried. I just cannot tell him the truth, and I feel horrible, I am just not ready. He is becoming very very distant and I found him sexually messaging other girls and that he masturbates to their photos. I don't think he gets how that makes me feel, I feel unwanted and ugly. Just when I think I am beautiful and love myself. The person I love the most in this life pushes me back a view steps. I don't now what to do, should I break up with him..? I already tried talking ot him and it never works. Please, I need advice, I can't keep living stuck in this depression.
Entries in this blog
I feel like I cannot talk to anybody about this who know's me because it makes me feel embarrassed, weak like I am being judged and nobody I know has gone through the same thing. So they really cannot understand anything, I just find it is pointless. Hopefully, I can talk and hear about other people's stories and finally find some peace.
I am 18, I am with the first boyfriend of 9 months. I had never gotten much positive attention from guys about my personality, they only wanted sex which I would never give for I have made the decision to wait until marriage. Around a year ago my sister had an older man over, she had called me up into her room. When I walked in he had his penis out. My sister not soon after me entering she left the room. I thought it was disgusting and told him to put it away. He then grabbed me and pushed my head towards his penis, he was hurting me. I tried to pull away when he then told me he would let go if I licked it. I refused and was so scared. He kept pushing my head towards it, pulling my hair. I finally agreed to lick it, when I did he got mad at me saying I didn't lick it. He then let me go then grabbed me and flipped me onto the bed where he then got on top of me. I tried to scream but he had his hand around my throat. I was so scared, I thought in that moment that he was going to kill me. He then proceeded to rape me. I can remember everything. I was screaming so loud but nobody heard me. He kept choking me until my lungs hurt so bad and I passed out. When I woke up my neck was bruised and he was gone. I can't remember his name, or what eh looked like. I moved 8 hours away that September and am terrified to go back to that city in case I might come face to face with him again. My boyfriend does not know the story as every time I tell him a little more I see how much it kills him. I decided after this happened to never tell another soul, but I have been having a really hard time lately, just feeling really depressed. I thought that finding somewhere that I can talk to people about this, and finally get it off my chest it would really help. I am kind of nervous. For I know I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I should have never been there and should have gone to the police after this happened. But I didn't even know the guy's name and who would believe me. It's embarrassing, to say the least. I just hope some people can help me and talk me through this. For I can say that I am a survivor and this will NEVER ruin my life and the way I view my beauty.