I've decided to work on a huge goal....going on a date. I've accomplished so much in 2017...so much more than I ever thought I would. I went to NYC, which had been a dream forever. Yes, I spent most of the trip anxious and in tears, but I did it. I bought my dream home (although it wouldn't be a dream to most people..it's a 20 acre fixer upper and I've loved every minute of working on the property and fixing it up). I've discovered some supplements that have really helped me feel mentally and emotionally stable. I haven't felt suicidal in months..my depression has been so much better, and the little things that used to send me into darkness no longer bother me as much.
I turn 33 on Monday and for the first time in my life, I feel like I want to accomplish something professionally (although as someone working in the education field, there's really no room to move up). I find myself wanting to work hard, set professional goals and reach them, and work my way up. To what? I have no clue. I just find myself feeling determined and motivated. I don't know what my aim or goal is..isn't that weird? I feel like I am maturing at a slower rate than most people my age, I definitely feel a few years behind everyone else.
I've been terrified to date anyone since I was in elementary school. I've been afraid of men for as long as I can remember. I know going on a date will be my biggest accomplishment so far in my life, as silly as that sounds. Even a simple date, even if it was just meeting someone somewhere to talk for 5 minutes..that would be huge for me.I don't expect "normal" people to understand that. But all of you trauma survivors, I know you feel me. And I know that if I accomplish my goal of going on a date, it won't just be an accomplishment for me.
I hope it will be inspirational and motivational for so many others who have experienced trauma and I hope that they too, will know that healing and progress is possible.
I hope to keep those who are interested updated on my goal through this blog.
Yesterday, I went to the mall after work. I went to a book store, and smiled at 3 men in the book store. It was very uncomfortable and I felt very awkward and out of my element, but I did it. None of them talked to me, but they did smile back. This is the problem..when I feel like I want to date, no one else seems interested in me.I also have to admit that I have no clue how to flirt...I always feel so shy. I have no idea how to make anyone interested in me. I am also extremely afraid that if anyone is interested in me, they will be a creepy weirdo..as most of the time, it is creepy weirdos and abusive pyschos who tend to be drawn to me.
I also bought a few new outfits. I have been trying to dress better lately. My true self at my core is a sweatpants and t-shirt kind of girl. I don't really enjoy dressing up, but I do have to say that people respond to me differently at work when I look nicer. I also feel more professional and more confident I guess, when I dress up more.
I have a few professional goals and ideas in mind, most of which are focused on school culture. Now, I just need to work up the courage to present them to the rest of the staff. I worry that they are silly, and naive and dumb ideas. I have always had a fear of people, public speaking and crowds. I am the girl who ran many times from college presentations in tears (yes..embarrassing..ugh). I've spent most of my life avoiding public speaking. I just want to be brave and conquer that fear, too.
Well, I hope that you guys will share your thoughts and feedback if you want to. I will try to remember to keep you updated!