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About this blog

My journaling attempts following the book "reasurection after rape". Thankyou to whoever it was on here that suggested this book. I don't have a therapist so I hoped posting on here for feedback might help me get the most out of this.

Entries in this blog

Does writing it out help?

What he said to me has been repeating in my brain a lot recently, apparently writing it out can help so here go’s: L ”Can we have sex, one last time?” S *shakes head? Says no? Definitely a negatory response.  L  *grabs wrists/pushes S back / applies handcuffs S (A moment of panic, one wrist free, what would happen if I tried to fight him off? mind floods with possible outcomes: freedom....beaten then raped.....running naked onto a busy street....the anger
JustSam

JustSam

0

How often do you think about your rape, and do you ever feel like you have thoughts about it that you can’t stop?

I think about it (them?) directly at least once or twice a day, but most of my thoughts are indirect. What ifs. I find it hard to face the truth, to think about what actually happened. But the what ifs are so hard to stop, it's like I have to imagine the entire scenario, I can't stop till it's over, but it's never over. It doesn't end. I imagine being raped by strangers, acquaintances, friends, but mostly by Luke. I'm so scared that he still believes I owe him because I agreed to stay "friends w
JustSam

JustSam

13

If rape steals something from you, what parts of you are NOT gone?

My hope: I still have hope that one day I will feel genuinely, completely comfortable and happy in my own skin. My love: for my husband, friends, family, pets, colleagues. My drive: to build a good home life, a good business, to experience and enjoy my world. My diplomacy and ability to see all sides of the argument/situation (usually) to find a fair compromise.    (This was much harder to answer than the last 2. I feel like I focus so much on the bad, trying to block it out, trying to
JustSam

JustSam

7

What good things (benefits) will happen for you if you work with your therapist about your rape?

I don't know.  I don't currently have a therapist, I'm considering restarting. I'd like to be able to accept it as part of me, to love myself and enjoy my life, to get past feeling guilty and obsessing about this.  To live, free from the little voice in the back of my head convinced every little noise is Luke come to make good on his threats, blaming me, shaming me. Making me feel like nothing I do could ever be good enough because every decision I make is affected/tainted by what happe
JustSam

JustSam

1

What questions do you wish you could answer to yourself about your rape?

What was he thinking? Why did he do it? Did he hear me? Did he realise what he was doing? Did he care? Would he care if he knew how it would effect me?   ^I wrote this a while ago. I wasn't happy with it but I wasn't sure why. I got a bit stuck. I've just looked again and found the solvent: I DON'T CARE WHAT HE THINKS! I know the truth. I know that he was fully aware that I didn't want to. Hence I know he raped me! I don't need him to confirm that, I don't need anything from him. 😊
JustSam

JustSam

8

What has prevented you (so far) from fully healing from your rape?

What prevented me from healing is that I never addressed it. I've believed that it was my fault, not that bad, no one would believe me anyway, etc. He told me it was OK and I thought he believed it, I thought everyone would, they'd think I was overreacting. I felt so ashamed so I stuffed it down. Now I feel ashamed that I still let this affect me. I thought it wasn't that bad, that people go through a lot worse without letting it affect them this much, I should be over this by now. I've dis
JustSam

JustSam

0

What, if anything, makes you afraid to talk to people about your rape?

I'm afraid to feel exposed. I'm afraid people will see me differently, as weak, damaged, I'm afraid they will pity me. I'm afraid to face unintentionally hurtful comments that can be made by well meaning people who just don't understand. I'm afraid that people will believe that it wasn't my fault. I'm afraid they will see the guilt and shame I feel, they will see that part of me feels responsible still, and they won't understand. I'm afraid that if people know it will be completely real for me,
JustSam

JustSam

16

Random thoughts on forgiveness

I've been thinking about forgiveness. I don't forgive them, if I saw them about to be hit by a bus I think I'd hesitate to shout "look out" and I'm pretty sure I'd smile to myself after. I don't really care what this says about me. But given that that is unlikely to happen; I'm no longer angry that they're out there, un-smooshed by buses, living a life. I just hope that they're surrounded by people who have corrected their view of the world and their place in it. I hope their attitudes towards o
JustSam

JustSam

3

What do you wish people knew or understood about the rape so that they could help you now?

That it is not (as I've tried to believe) "just something that happened a long time ago". It is something that still makes me feel sick inside every day.  That the effects run much deeper than they could imaging, deeper than I ever thought before I started really looking, and probably deeper still than I am currently aware.  That So very many things can be a trigger, and this can change depending on how I'm feeling. If I'm feeling low, Everything makes me think about it and feel even more sh
JustSam

JustSam

3

How did your rape make you feel about yourself as a person?

It made me feel weak because I couldn't stop it. I always thought I was a strong person, physically and mentally. The fact that I was so scared, I couldn't even make him understand that I didn't want it (how I saw it at the time) made me feel So weak and pathetic. How could I expect anyone to understand, to care, to help me if I couldn't even help myself? I felt like that was my fault for going back to him/staying with him, I felt weak for thinking I needed him. I felt like I couldn't trust myse
JustSam

JustSam

4

How is your rape affecting you as a person right now? What thoughts do you sometimes have about yourself because of the rape?

I still feel like I can't trust my own judgement, it can be crippling at times, I feel stuck, unable to make even a simple decision for fear that I'll get it wrong and fear of the consequences if I do. I know now, logically, that it wasn't my actions or my choices that caused the assaults but sub-consciously I still fear making the wrong choice and worse still- letting myself and other people down with my wrong choices. I hate feeling like 'they' have such a big part in my life, my thought proce
JustSam

JustSam

5

Who have you told about your rape, why did you choose to tell them, and what did they do or say about it?

I told My best friend and my boyfriend (now husband) because I couldn't keep it in, I was having suicidal thoughts, cutting myself, I'm not sure I would have survived with this eating me away inside. I didn't Talk to them back then but I told them about the rape. They're the closest friends I have and have never made me feel judged. Still I found it so very hard to speak to them again recently when this all came back up.  I don't remember what happened the first time I told them. I know I d
JustSam

JustSam

12

How does thinking about the rape make you feel, and why?

I find it quite difficult to think about it most of the time. If I try to it feels like my minds pulling away from it. My gut reaction to thinking about the rape is to feel trapped, scared, panicked and unsafe, or to feel nothing, numb, disconnected. I went through all these emotions during the assault. I also feel very guilty, especially over certain parts, parts where I feel like I lead him on and let him think that I was OK with what he was doing. It makes me feel sad for the person who was
JustSam

JustSam

5

What kinds of nightmares or memories do you have about your rape?

As I've said, I don't feel like I think much about the actual events. When I had counselling it was suggested that my imagined scenarios were a way of me reliving what happened/ how I felt, without actually facing the truth. I feel like I'm lying when I say that my daily life is affected by this, when I don't even have many thoughts about what really actually happened.  The main 'memory' I have of my rape, of W,  has no visual, no real sense of my physical self. I just remember the sudden f
JustSam

JustSam

1

A letter to my past self

Dear Sam, Tomorrow something is going to happen to you. I wish I could warn you, I wish I could prevent it and save you, but I can't, I can't save either of us, it's already happened. Tomorrow your boyfriend is going to rape you. He won't leave injuries that people will see, he won't punch you, kick you, threaten your life but don't let that stop you from acknowledging the pain and injury he does cause.  I understand why you won't be able to bring yourself to face what happened and speak abo
JustSam

JustSam

4

If rape is a form of theft, what did it steal?

Rape stole the close relationships I had. The shame/ need to keep my secret led me to push people away so they wouldn't see. It stole my sense of safety and trust in people. It stole what should have been fun happy memories with friends, replacing them with memories of feeling triggered, upset and unsafe. Rape stole my concentration and hence my school and collage grades. It took my sense of self worth, then compounded this with the feelings that I'd let people down/people had less respect for m
JustSam

JustSam

6
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