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About this blog

Where the waters do not curve.

Entries in this blog

I felt more cared for my strangers

My disabilities and birth defects made me a stressful child and i was the youngest of three. Children are not little adults. Feeding your child and taking them to the doctor doesn't earn you "mother of the century" awards. I feel so hurt and ignored and like an object around you, mom.  All my life. I shouldn't feel more safe and loved by my doctors and teachers and occupational therapists. So many times I wanted them to take me home instead. I don't believe you or anyone else when you say you lo
Panther

Panther

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I miss being taken care of

I want a month long vacation where all i do is rest while someone comforts me and brings me food and touches my head. As a kid I'd often wait for My mother to turn on my light, sit on my bed, and wake me up in the morning. Even when my alarm had already gone off. I miss when the worst thing i had to worry about was if a girl liked me back. I miss horseback riding with My mother. Weirdly enough i used to feel safest in hospitals.  
Panther

Panther

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(graphic) why me???

We were only kids you sicko. What makes you think that I wanted to do that? Did you do that to your sisters too? Does your wife know? Do your kids know? Why do you get to be happy and have kids while I'm here feeling disgusted by what you did. I screamed for you to get off of me as you drizzled spit on my face and kissed me forcefully. I can feel your body on mine and I go into convulsions, thrashing my neck and legs around, bumping my limbs together til they hurt. You made it out like it was a
Panther

Panther

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Dear fresh out of high school me...

You are not alone It was not your fault You don't need to imagine those things anymore You are worthy of love People can be your friends, family You don't need to torture yourself Your sexual desirability does not define you
Panther

Panther

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So many times... *TW*

(tw to myself: lies your mother told you, do not read unless in good place) . . . . . . So many times while i was living at home and I would get less than a B in a class my parents paid the tuition for, I would feel so awful. Because I keep wasting their tuition money. Because it's so stressful for them thinking about my future. Because my mother "turned down a job offer for you." They would never listen to me about my anxiety or adhd and would accuse me of mak
Panther

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my story TW

(tw to myself: graphic memory details of child on child sexual abuse, don't read unless you're in a good place) . . . . . . . .   When my brother and I were young, we used to play with Barbies and makeup. I also used to cover my entire waist with a towel when stepping out of the shower and would pretend to be a princess when playing with this one kid, Tyler. One day, we were playing a game, and Tyler made me do things that I h
Panther

Panther

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*TW* Moods this week

So starting this month I've been on one dose of Wellbutrin right when I wake up and two doses four hours apart of Adderall, each per day. I've noticed I get really anxious and depressed if I am alone after my second dose wears off. Some nights almost suicidal. Two weeks ago over the weekend meds wore off and I got so anxious and hopeless that I self harmed for the first time in years. The next morning I had to have someone talk me out of committing suicide (as in, I was seriously considering it
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a good day

I'm gonna make a tally here for every time I feel good, calm, accomplished, positive, or okay. For the last week, it has been five times. This is the fifth. I'm working at my pace, no one else's. I am enough. :]
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To my fifteen year old self

It's not your fault your friends left you. Its not your fault your brother became addicted to drugs or that your dog passed away. I know you hung out with those two girls because you so badly wanted to be them, to walk in their shoes, to be a real girl. Your worth isn't based on what she thinks of you. Her deciding to be friends with the bullies or let her brother hit you with a stick was not okay. It doesnt matter if they were only playing, those things hurt and she didn't seem to care. But tru
Panther

Panther

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