Saving Tulip

I came to AS in 2008, broken and torn. I was living in a hostile family situation with my sister, her children (two sets of twins, three years apart, my mother and later on my father, (who owned the property), who is one of my abusers. I just wanted to be close and accepted by them and somehow feel less lost. It did not work out. I was literally drowning in toxic waste of this environment, I needed help. I only would venture outside to meet to with my therapist twice a week, or to walk up to the store for cigarettes. I have on and off struggled with agoraphobia throughout points my life, so it was terrifying for me to leave the home. My self harm issues increased and my food issues increased, I ending up inside the psych hospital for trying to take my life many times, especially when my sick father came back to live with us. He could barely walk or take of himself, so since I was a certified nurse assistant in the past I was expected to care for him. I tried but I could not, it was just too much. I just kept hearing the younger me shrieking inside of my head along with other stages of me, but she was the loudest. I had to get it out some kind of way. A friend of mine who is a survivor recommended I check out message boards for survivors of SA, so I did. I  checked out Pandora's Aquarium first, got into friction (HA!) and then came here to AS. I was scared but I found such support here and most of all I felt heard. I was not so alone with all this pain and self loathing. Most of all, I began to support other survivors, which is a huge part of my healing. I helps me to listen to the positive words I say to others to myself and that is potent healing stuff. Being a member here has been among many things has saved me from taking my life, A dear friend of mine suggested I start a blog, but I have been afraid of starting one and then not keeping it up, so I am going to try anyway. I have much to say, but struggle to find a way to get my feelings, my voice out. Its ripping me up inside and slowing down my mental functions with the weight of it all. So I start with this blog entry. Thank you for reading this far.