I was in the abuse small group of women in Celebrate Recovery tonight when a woman in the group began sharing things that really triggered me. First of all, she didn't share about her own experiences, which is part of the usual instructions in the opening of the group. She shared about her daughter's experiences being molested, and she shared about them graphically. I practically ran out the door after a bit of this. I got home and called my old sponsor from AA. I shared what was going on in my head and I shared that I was going to go to Taco Bell and "medicate" my feelings with a taco salad. She validated my feelings and didn't shame me for stuffing most of them. In fact, she stayed on the phone with me as I left the house again to go to the store and get some Ben & Jerry's.
Later on in the evening I was reading a book that talks about forgiveness, anger and letting go of fear (Marianne WIlliamson's book A Return To Love). I realized that I am angry at my Mom for not knowing about the abuse that happened to me at around ages 3 and 4, and I'm also angry at her because she didn't protect me from it. It's so confusing; I love my Mom and I respect my Mom, but I'm also disgusted with her too.
I chatted with a friend over Facebook and shared my feelings about my Mom. This friend had a rough childhood growing up. He now has over 20 years in Al-Anon. He said he understood my feelings and that he was able to let go of his anger at his Mom for not protecting him by realizing that if she could have done any better at the time, she would have. He said what "She had was/is a disease that limited her ability to do better than she did."
My Mom isn't an alcoholic, but I would say that she has the disease of "al-anon-ism", if that's a term. My grandpa was an alcoholic and my grandma had a mental illness, so my mother's perceptions and reactions in life were probably skewed quite a bit. I'm asking the Holy Spirit to help me to see and love my Mom the way God does.
I read about forgiveness tonight and I actually felt forgiveness for my cousin (and my ex-husband too). I'm hoping it sticks. It will save me a lot of grief and money in therapy, lol. I'll stay in the moment. Tomorrow will take care of itself. God is good. God is love. I am good. I am love. My Mom is good. My Mom is love. My cousin is good. My cousin is love. Love really is the answer