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It's a journey log

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Today I promise to care for myself. Eat well. Watch a movie or 2. Jog at the park. Enjoy nature. Sleep. Maybe visit a museum. Check out the courses I want to take. Read. Go to the beach. Just B


Blood, gore and death

I remember cutting my veins and tried to cut as deep as possible but because i could not keep it wet. the bleeding stopped. i tried several times same vein now scarred i hide it with a watch. lately i've not been sleeping stayin up watching movies with gore and blood. and i imagine i could do those things, pull out his spine, cut him up in half, poison my mother then insert needles in her eyes. 

i remember when i was eleven after folding laundry of the family, i went into the kitchen. mom and sister were talking. i said something. sister told me off. i was hurt because she was a bully, an abuser and a manipulator, still is. i took her t-shirt  from the laundry pile-it was her favorite t-shirt, i cut it up and then poured coke all over it. i managed to throw it away. 

she never even noticed it was gone...

back to present day, found out a school mate died of a heart attack today. he was in his early 40s. never liked the guy. but still i felt empathy for his wife and 3 kids. 

lucky guy, death knocked on his door  and i hope he is in a good place now. i've been praying for death since i was 5 years old. 

I nearly drowned once and i remember when the waves took me under i smiled. but was rudely interrupted. my mun managed to pull me out of the water by my long black hair.

my childhood lost my life robbed facing the possibilty of losing our home jobless and with a shitty CV i prayed and i sought help yet still, i am looking for work.

had to leave my last job because of sexual harassments and my boss wasnt supportive of me but supportive of the assailant.  She is partially responsible for the incidences having empowering the guy allowing him to be rude and lacking professionalism. not the first job i had to leave due to harrassment and bullying. 

what life is this? blood gore and death seems alot better then the slow torturous death of the unknown. living 15 minutes at a time....


Just Be or Die

just want to die. 

i am not eating because my husband asks dont u want to eat so i do the opposite. why? because our relationship is toxic. toxic to my recovery and he is toxic so emotionally draining and imposes his feelings on me. 

i want to exercise so i do brisk walk. oh the attitude he gives me. so dont follow me i say. he wants to follow and then gives me attitude. we even argue about which route to take.  i can appreciate that he doesnt like to walk then just let me be.

but he cant. so what do i do now? 

is death better? 


No more Chapters just Be

It's been awhile since checking in with AS. Am I better? i seriously dont know.

nightmares continue and i find myself afraid of going to sleep. wake up in sweat.

panic attacks continue too. sometimea trigger is just overwhelming sensation like too much noise or crowded places. Other times it just comes. no reason.

heart pounding. icy cold stomach  the ice and snow flows through my veins spreading throughout the body. breathing become shallow and fast. 

however i have been able to read again subjects that i had previously lost now the interest is back. yesterday i almost felt like me again before PTSD.

i do now have more memories of the past that inhad forgottten. i used to tutor at a boys home when kids was with their father on Sunday mornings. my cousin reminded me thru her posting. 

still i am the black sheep. 

i often wonder here i am in need of help and support yet my relatives are busy helping others. how twisted. 

it's as though just because i seem well outside (inside i am struggling same as those girls at the home) yet no one has asked how are you?  ironic...But more importantly, she reminded me that i did the same and did something useful when I had time. 

sometimes i just want to go to a happy place which i thnk is beneficial but i havent found one or lack resourcea or just plain unmotivated. 

sometimes people say love you but dont actually mean it and i am puzzled. it's not your love i need or want but heart with empathy, some place to go to just be.

i love the ocean and sometimes wish i was on vacation by the sea. wind sun surf

my anxiety levels have beem bad as there is an important thing tomorrow. 

haiz not looking forward to it...

anyways here is to many more non chapters just moments seconds and hopefully oblivion or just Be


A positive breakthrough

As i sit and talk to the universe and ask exactly why are we here on earth again. and what it means to be human.  I started crying and i asked God to forgive the abusers. I felt free. So i ask myself now what? just keep swimming.  keep healing it will be soon till we get to the other side....

:dance: i dont feel the anger and frustration. But a sense of loss.... i guess now i grieve that little girl that was forced to grow up too soon....:blush: melancholy....


Mental and u wont work again but dont worry abt ur financials it will be taken care of some how....

mother in law said her deity told her this and my mental issues will be fixed this year.....

right... i wonder if my husband tell her i am mental.

heartbreaking cause cant trust my husband thot he was my support.  he told me he didnt say anything to his parents about my PTSD.

how to get to the other side? 

My own family ie mum, bros and sisters dont offer support.

i dont think it's a good to lean on my adult kids ... i want them to live their own life. and dont want to burden my son whom is currently in college. 

wanna die cant cause that will affect my kids and it's not their fault. hurting so bad...

"friends" dont want to know too much....

hope tomorrow is a better day....:blush:



some weeks ago i was getting better but then my father in law died. so sad. since i married another race i was kinda an outcast so much of the wake i was sitting in a corner, i fell asleep at one time. FIL was a wonderful man. i cried wonderin if i am.sad for my FIL's death or being invisible. maybe both.

see the abuser now my uncle, never told me not to tell anyone. he was so confident i wouldnt tell. that got me thinking how come?

he was friends with my eldest brother. Was he observing me? did he know that i was too afraid.of my mother and had no one really to talk to. was i invisible in the family?

did my sister know about the abuse next door since we were fondling under the bed how many times did it happen? how did it start.

how come my aunt didnt have the creep meter on?

all i can say is now i am tired yesterday.i was angry. progress wise i started on my letter of application.for.work. 

i am.eating.again.

but constantly thinking about suicide....

will i ever get to the other side once more?

Dear Universe,

u witnessed everything. u have eyes and is omnipresent seeing our pain and the pain of others. do you feel our pain? do u hear our silent screams? do u hear and see how we make silly mistakes where others dont because their minds and spirits arent broken?

do u see the others calling us liars? laughing at us while we are already ashamed?  

U created us for u and for the love of us. yet these inhuman acts happen because they wish to take our power away, our dignity and the love for ourselves. and especially the love we already had for u they are succeeding. i am a poor weak and vile spirit. How then do i make it to the other side? Please help us oh dear Universe for only u can lend us that strength and cleanse our spirit so that once more regain love for ourselves and LOVE u....


5 or 6 years old he called me to his flat, he lives next door and I was Alone no baby sitter. Don't know where were my older siblings. I got there it was dark and he said " come see this" he was masturbating and coming ... Had newspaper to catch his come. He said come closer and touch it. I said no yuck and I ran home. The next time I was in his parent's room he laid me on the bed and pulled my panties down. After that I just looked away and closed my eyes. I wasn't there anymore I didn't know what he did to me. Another time again at his place his Brother was home and they were discussing something. His Brother then took me to their bedroom and got on TOP of me as if to kiss me I looked away and then again I flew away I don't know how I got home. Another time this time at night his Father called me and asked me to sit next to him and he put his hands down my clothes touching me and he his moved lower and lower. His Son the first molester caught him and told me to go home. Another time it was in the living room he was on TOP of me grinding his member against mine and doing the motions no penetration. I closed my eyes and I don't remember how I got home. Some years later my Brother started taking drugs he had a knife to my face. One night while I was sleeping I felt a hand massaging my vagina. I froze. I saw it was my Brother. I closed my eyes and I didn't know what to do. Another time when he came in he was naked and masturbating standing at the doorway, I ran to my parents room and slept there. There was once I vomitted and I couldn't even remember getting up at night to vomit. I wasn't sick no fever or anything There was 3 of us sharing that bedroom. Maybe a year later I remember I was naked with my Sister she was naked too... She was on the phone talking to out mum. Hung up we went under the bed and started touching each other. I was maybe 6 or 7. At 14 my abusive Brother trying to get sober beat me till my nose bled it didn't stop until my other Brother stopped it all because I didn't want to switch off the telly immediately after he instructed me too. I have forgiven my bother because he apologised. But still at night is not easy for me.... This was just the sexual abuse. Neglect and the narcissistic manipulative Mom not told here yet.... I won't go into that. I'll save that for another time. In my 20s I did all t therapy and was ok. But recently due to the bullying and sexual harassment at work all came back. Nightmares, panick attacks, flashbacks, being sqittish and anxious all came back... My life as an adult was full of bad choices tricked into marrying at 17 and had a kid at 19 now I am jobless and feel like a loser... I actually wrote on the wall... Attempted to slash my wrists a few times but blade not sharp enuf. All those years I could have put my energy into my offsprings just the time flew. I worked very hard often 12 hour days at the beginning sometimes 24 hrs... Dad took care of the kids... I am grateful for my late dad. And I miss him .... Now I can't deal with life. I don't drink. I take my medication sometimes one or 2 tablets more...and I am tired because I still have to deal with life and I don't know where to ask for help... I am seeing a psychiatrist but Not for Long cause he is expensive. And I have no job. I pray. Sometimes spend the day praying to ask God to deal with my life because I can't anymore...

Edited  by Miko 
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