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About this blog

It's a journey log

Entries in this blog

 

Today

Today I promise to care for myself. Eat well. Watch a movie or 2. Jog at the park. Enjoy nature. Sleep. Maybe visit a museum. Check out the courses I want to take. Read. Go to the beach. Just B

Miko

Miko

 

Blood, gore and death

I remember cutting my veins and tried to cut as deep as possible but because i could not keep it wet. the bleeding stopped. i tried several times same vein now scarred i hide it with a watch. lately i've not been sleeping stayin up watching movies with gore and blood. and i imagine i could do those things, pull out his spine, cut him up in half, poison my mother then insert needles in her eyes.  i remember when i was eleven after folding laundry of the family, i went into the kitchen. mom a

Miko

Miko

 

Just Be or Die

just want to die.  i am not eating because my husband asks dont u want to eat so i do the opposite. why? because our relationship is toxic. toxic to my recovery and he is toxic so emotionally draining and imposes his feelings on me.  i want to exercise so i do brisk walk. oh the attitude he gives me. so dont follow me i say. he wants to follow and then gives me attitude. we even argue about which route to take.  i can appreciate that he doesnt like to walk then just let me be. but

Miko

Miko

 

No more Chapters just Be

It's been awhile since checking in with AS. Am I better? i seriously dont know. nightmares continue and i find myself afraid of going to sleep. wake up in sweat. panic attacks continue too. sometimea trigger is just overwhelming sensation like too much noise or crowded places. Other times it just comes. no reason. heart pounding. icy cold stomach  the ice and snow flows through my veins spreading throughout the body. breathing become shallow and fast.  however i have been abl

Miko

Miko

 

A positive breakthrough

As i sit and talk to the universe and ask exactly why are we here on earth again. and what it means to be human.  I started crying and i asked God to forgive the abusers. I felt free. So i ask myself now what? just keep swimming.  keep healing it will be soon till we get to the other side....  i dont feel the anger and frustration. But a sense of loss.... i guess now i grieve that little girl that was forced to grow up too soon.... melancholy....

Miko

Miko

 

Mental and u wont work again but dont worry about ur financials... it'll b taken care off

Mental and u wont work again but dont worry abt ur financials it will be taken care of some how.... mother in law said her deity told her this and my mental issues will be fixed this year..... right... i wonder if my husband tell her i am mental. heartbreaking cause cant trust my husband thot he was my support.  he told me he didnt say anything to his parents about my PTSD. how to get to the other side?  My own family ie mum, bros and sisters dont offer support. i d

Miko

Miko

 

Chapter 3 - healing? will i ever heal?

some weeks ago i was getting better but then my father in law died. so sad. since i married another race i was kinda an outcast so much of the wake i was sitting in a corner, i fell asleep at one time. FIL was a wonderful man. i cried wonderin if i am.sad for my FIL's death or being invisible. maybe both. see the abuser now my uncle, never told me not to tell anyone. he was so confident i wouldnt tell. that got me thinking how come? he was friends with my eldest brother. Was he observi

Miko

Miko

 

Chapter 1... the script i refuse to live with

5 or 6 years old he called me to his flat, he lives next door and I was Alone no baby sitter. Don't know where were my older siblings. I got there it was dark and he said " come see this" he was masturbating and coming ... Had newspaper to catch his come. He said come closer and touch it. I said no yuck and I ran home. The next time I was in his parent's room he laid me on the bed and pulled my panties down. After that I just looked away and closed my eyes. I wasn't there anymore I didn't know w

Miko

Miko

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