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Kathyps33

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surviving

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Life happens

I found out last night my cousin took her own life. She was just 38 yrs old. This is the 3rd cousin in my family that has committed suicide. I don't know what to think right now.  

Kathyps33

Kathyps33

 

Ashamed

I feel so ashamed. I don't remember feeling aroused during the abuse by my adoptive father but around 12 yrs old when he went from touching to sexual intercourse I started masturbating. Of course I grew up in church and learned that masturbation is a sin. From 12 yrs old until about 33 yrs old I just did clitoral stimulation. I then ordered some books about sex on line and started reading about different ways to masturbate. There was so much to learn. I wanted to know more about my body, I wante

Kathyps33

Kathyps33

 

body triggers

What are body triggers? My counselor says I feel afraid of some people, random people because of something called a body trigger. 

Kathyps33

Kathyps33

 

Random ramblings

I think, I think too much. Sometimes I wish I could just turn my brain off; the part that has the memories, the images of the abuse. The part that sends the messages to my heart that I'm worthless, damaged, ugly, stupid, unloved, unwanted, alone, and stupid. Of course I want my brain to keep it's basic functions in tact to keep me breathing, to keep me healthy, ect. Will I ever be able to have good feelings? Will I ever be able to trust, to love without fear, without labels that something is wro

Kathyps33

Kathyps33

 

overwhelmed

I feel so overwhelmed, like the past will always haunt me, My adoptive father has been dead 25 yrs and my adoptive mother has been dead 18 yrs. I thought once those people died the past would be buried with them. It feels like it has gotten worse as I have gotten older. I have become more and more recluse. The anxiety and depression have worsened. The times of joy or peace are so fleeting. I am in therapy individual and group. I have tried church, working overtime, drawing, exercise, anti-depres

Kathyps33

Kathyps33

 

Survivor

I don't feel like a survivor. I get called that and brave and strong but don't feel it. Instead I feel frustrated because I see myself everyday struggling, today I went to lunch with a friend who invited her daughter (my age) to join us and I felt so awkward. People my age that have not been through child abuse talk about childhood like it was some fairy-tale.  I can't relate to this and I realize they can't relate to me either. I feel so fake when people talk about tv shows, music, celebrating

Kathyps33

Kathyps33

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