Today is the third day I have called in sick at work. I can't afford it, but I can't face people.
I think the same is about to happen here, I think today is my final day here.
Ive tried to work through my shit, I've tried to be open about my issues but all I'm doing is rehashing painful memories, all I'm doing is making noise. I feel like a fraud here, I feel like what happened to me wasn't that bad...I feel like it was nothing compared to others here.
this won't get read and I'm
It hits me when I least expect it. When I would never in a million years think for it to happen, and recently it's hit me hard.
I'll be at a bar with friends or having a BBQ on the beach, I'll be cycling down a canal path or pushing my niece on a swing.....then it comes out of nowhere. First it's just his name.
I try to shake it off every time but it never works. It gets worse after that. I see the pub sign...a grey horse...that's where it happened.
The grey horse.
I've decided to try and write something every day.
It's day two and here I am...writing...I don't have much faith in me sticking to this.
I was gonna spew some bullshit about how I am positive right now and how I'm gonna try and get through all of this....but that's all it would be. Bull.
Right now I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm feeling scared and I'm feeling insecure. I feel like I'm on the edge of a breakdown and nervous about the next few days.
I'm trying to believe that
I made it through the day.
I'm home, I've eaten and showered and I'm now sat on my comfy sofa in the warmth of my house.
Today was hard. It wasn't horrendous for any particular reason....it was just one of those difficult days.
last night I managed to wrestle an hours sleep from somewhere. I struggled all night. My heart rate wouldn't go down, my thoughts would not quiet and my self loathing was through the roof.
when 4:45am came around I got out of bed and pit on my cycling
I hit that good old self destruction button again. I was pushing myself so hat and I thought I was doing the right thing and then I panicked and I just gave up...I always do this.
I'd emailed the local rape crisis centre, I'd spoken briefly to someone concerning what I was looking for and they were waiting on me to drop by and speak to them. People on here were being supportive and kind whilst encouraging me along....and i just...I just stopped believing it was that bad, stopped believing i
I struggle with control...well, I struggle with relinquishing it to be more accurate.
I have a genetic fault that puts me pretty high up on the cancer risk...99% by the time I'm 40 kinda high. I'm meant to go for screening every 8 to 12 months but I rarely make it.
Ive had two screenings over the last few years, one because I managed to convince my doctor to let me swallow a pill camera rather than being sedated and the second screening I managed to convince him not to give me any ana