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This blog serves no purpose other than being a random thought dump. Just leave now. There's nothing worth seeing.

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1:32PM: Friday and Saturday literally went the same exact way. Mom and her husband arguing in the morning over money problems. Then we left to go hang out with our gaming buddy.

Easter Sunday.... Could have been better. No arguing or fighting which was nice, but the night before my poor little sister saw one of her friends get murdered. The victim was a good guy. Of course it's never the scumbags that die. Always the innocent bystander. I don't care to talk about it much. All I can say is he was a good kid that never did anything wrong and didn't deserve this. Last night she was out with her friends who are all in mourning right now. Two people who weren't even there were talking about it a bit too much and it pissed her off. She needed someone to talk to when she came home. That person became me. She's at a vigil right now. She might need someone again tonight.
It's Monday. My brother has the day off. We are just hanging out at the house right now. This morning has been tame. Sleep has been terrible this whole weekend. And I'm pretty sure I need to go back to the doctor. It's so weird that today was a normal day for me but meanwhile my sister is mourning the loss of her friend.

( yesterday's entry) 3:26 PM: saw my councilor today. Or is he a therapist?.... I don't even care what the difference is. Cut the session short. Third time in a row I did that. It's getting harder to see him when I can already see what his advice is going to be. Told him mom thinks someone broke into our house, and how I think that's bullshit and its most likely her husband that stole my grandmothers pills. And of course he says to move out and rent a cheap little place for me and my brother..... He's an idiot. I asked him if he's a home owner. He says yes. I asked if he knew what rent was like in today's day. He confirmed he did not..... This guy is speaking from no knowledge or experience. We don't want to rent a place we are trying to save enough to buy our own house and pay our own mortgage. Talking about these things seemed so pointless. I'm not some abused child from a screwed up family. There doesn't seem to be a real reason for me to pursue more counciling.

In other news we are getting absolutely terrible service from Comcast. That's nothing new though. I would know. I'm online all the time. I see it slow down during times when " nothing is wrong ".
5:30 PM: budget cuts here in America now mean I've been dropped from advocates. Nothing matters anymore. Life's a bit*h and then you die. Strange thing is we knew this would happen one day. Right now waiting for my brother to come home to tell him.
( Today ) 7:07 AM day 1 of not being in the Advocate program anymore.... Well technically I'm still in till May 1st but to me I'm already done. My brother says all this means is less video new games, less fast food, and we need to find a job for me. A job would be great but I worry about weather or not I can handle it with my sleep patterns..... Screw it. I don't wanna be awake just to listen to mom and her husband. I'll sleep eat and work. But it sucks that most of my sleep is just gonna be me resting but not actually falling asleep. Need sleeping pills.  And I need to write a thank you letter to Advocates. Also need to figure out what moms actually done about what happened to Papa.
11:08 PM: walked to the game store and spent some of the store credit I have. Got a dirty CD cleaned and bought halo 4 which was only 8 bucks. Sad part is like many Xbox 360 games there aren't many online players left. We went to our friends house. Think I'm gonna need a code name for him seen as we've been chilling with him almost once a week every week. 3 nurses came in at the same time this morning. That was weird. Can't get my uncle registered as my friend on Xbox. That's pissing me off. Anything else that I forgot to write was either pointless bickering or not worth mentioning. 

7:19 PM: ( yesterday's entry ) promised myself I'd do this every day and already failing at it. Doing this while I'm playing a game. Today went well. In fact better than expected. Sleep last night sucked as always. Getting sick of that. Is it normal to not be able to sleep as easily when you get older?

A nurse came over to see my grandmother. She works for the organization that pays my family to look after me. Now that my grandfather is dead she financially qualifies to be part of the program. The weird part is we are better off this way rather than receiving my grandfathers check. America is such a screwed up country. My grandmother is a frail old woman in just as poor health as my grandfather. I can't believe she only just recently got health insurance. We pay all these extra taxes just to be forgotten when we are old.
I quit minecraft. Got tired of playing with a bunch of kids and foreigners that don't talk. Back to shooting zombies and nazis...... And zombie nazis. Video game companies just won't let those nazi zombies rest in peace. For some reason we keep digging them back up as if we want to indefinitely hate on Germany for world war 2.
I'm not sure if mom has the nerve to follow through with filing a lawsuit against the nursing home / hospital. She says we don't have the money and then she starts talking about paying their ex judge friend for something that has to do with Papa. As well as mentioning another lawyers name. I wish I knew what it was she wanted to do. Just like my brother said she has no will power and doesn't follow through with anything.
( Today's entry) I should do a separate medical journal to document my poor sleep and chest/stomach pains. Doctors are useless.
Woke up this morning and got myself a..... Bucket. To throw up in. Not sure why I got sick at around 5 in the morning. The area around my shunt hurts too. I'm use to that when I move my head and shoulders in a certain way, but this kind of pain is a little different. And a bit concerning. I'll see how I feel tomorrow.
Two more nurses came by today. Two separate appointments for two different things. I'm pretty sure one of them is a home care agency that my mom is trying to get rid of. My mother can check Grammy's weight and blood pressure herself.
Moms husband is at it again.....( Damn dude. Back at it again screwing up moms day with your bullshit ). Grammy's pain pills are missing. He's the only one in the house that would touch em. Of course he's playing stupid. Same as he always does when he's caught stealing. I can't believe mom left dad to eventually marry this worthless moron. And has stayed with him longer than my father. When I really think about it moms the reason why my life is so screwed up.
10:30 PM: I don't know how to explain this but basically my mom now believes someone broke into our house and stole them, and my brother knows that's not true. The window to my grandmothers room is kinda messed up. There is a board on the outside holding it up. Her husband says it wasn't like that before. Problem is its not my room so I don't know if that's true or not. My brother is pissed and wants to get a lock for our room.

( I wrote this yesterday) Last week when I went to see my councilor mom was pissed off and flipping out about stuff I can't control, and saying things like how she's gonna leave " all you guys " because she's " sick of this shit ". It's all stuff that has to do with her husband. A man i refuse to acknowledge as my stepfather.

So basically while I'm about to go see some guy about my mental health issues my moms attacking me unprovoked. The next day was even worse and the day before also sucked. So I wonder..... Just how often is this happening in my life where I'm having a terrible day and I didn't even do anything wrong? 
Morning: Well today's not one of those days where I didn't do something wrong. Already hit myself. Lack of sleep pissing me off. Woke up my brother in the process which makes me an asshole. Sorry bro.
3;46 PM: my grandmother just got home yesterday after spending a month in either a hospital or the nursing home. A nurse came by to talk with my mom about Grammy's care plan. Mom has already had to tell her husband at least a couple of times to stop smoking in the house now that Grammy is home. Right now they are BOTH smoking cigarettes in their room with the door closed. Way to stand firm mom.... Been playing minecraft with a bunch of kids. At least they are respectful, but damn it's so annoying that anyone my age has already played the game to the point it's not fun anymore. I only recently got minecraft/Xbox Live.....
5:22: and now moms flipping out after calling the bank and finding out her husband stole money from her AGAIN..... She just left and said she's not coming back tonight. Wonderful. That's not added stress. Nope. Just like everyone keeps telling me it's not my problem so stay out of it..... *sigh*...... 
12:11 AM: well that was an uneventful/stressful day as always. Mom actually didn't leave for long, which is exactly what I expected. She's sleeping in the same bed as the man she's going to scream at again tomorrow for the shit that happened today. It's a good thing I grew up this way. If this was something new and I wasn't use to it I'd have already beaten the piss out of that good for nothing husband of hers.
( today's entry ) 6:33 PM:  today wasn't so bad which I guess is why I haven't wrote much today. A family friend stopped by with his dog. He played with my sisters dog and that was cool. Mom and her husband have been quietly arguing up until a couple hours ago. They seem to be quiet for now. I've been making ridiculous houses in other people's worlds in minecraft. Made two so far, and one of the kids actually helped ( minecraft has nothing but kids these days. I literally have to tell them I'm an adult and I'm not trying to hang out with a bunch of kids, if they are respectful I'll friend them and they can hang out in my world ). I don't expect the night to change much. This is normally when it's quiet. My brother went to the game store with my uncle so I'm here by myself trying to start a blog. I couldn't figure out how to do it on Pandys and then when I came here I had to use an ass backwards method to find it. If I hadn't made an entry in the past I wouldn't have had anything to search for. I hope I can find this more easily in the future. I don't want to make a depressing journal about my dysfunctional family on a regular writing site. Thank you AfterSilence for being my safe haven to start this journal. Now I just need to keep writing in it even though I know it's gonna suck sometimes.
Mom did say something today that upset me and it was hard to make it look like I wasn't phased by it. I wanted to just yell at her but instead i had no response at all. Basically she's doing nothing about the nursing home and how my grandfather died and the lack of treatment or attentiveness when he was injured. Tomorrow I'm hunting down an online lawyer myself. It's been long enough and all they've done is call an ex judge who already failed them once. My parents are morons and my family sucks.

I  believe in doing bad things to bad people.

i believe in the death penalty. Firmly. I wish it was used more often.

i believe that the world doesn't have enough good people in it to be worth being a part of.

i believe god is either a bully or doesn't exist.

I use to believe family was the most important thing on earth.... now I believe in only myself..... And one day I will disown my family and live alone on some hill out in the country.

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