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teleahstears

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About this blog

recovering from csa and the struggle of accepting it and coping with the aftermath

Entries in this blog

what hurts the most

Had therapy today, it was intense, she is new to therapy so she is excited to have a strong client like me, I just smiled and said thanks and we moved on. We are going over the emotional abuse mostly but today the main topic was why my mother hated me so fiercely when i was little like when i was five to ten, and I realized it was because my dad paid more attention to me, took me out more, but here is the thing she would insist on us going out on dates once a week, fight my dad to take me out fo

teleah

teleah

trigger calendar

Once again its June, graduation time, and once again i feel completely defeated, my neighbors daughter is graduating and i am happy for her but i cant say anything or go over there, o am stuck in the last time my dad raped me on the eve of my graduation, stuck in that hotel room, lying there trying to float away but knowing what he was doing to me, actually feeling my heart break because all i wanted was him to be proud of me, wanted to take him out for dinner, just dinner, but once again he hur

teleah

teleah

where i was

My daughter starts senior year tomorrow, i want to celebrate but i am stuck in where i was at that age, My first day senior year i knew no one at my three story shopping mall size high school, i felt so lost, alone which i was used of after coming home from  a week at my dads, a month ago. As  i walked the hallways. i felt isolated but i felt that in my house with my mom, my stepdad and my new baby sister, so i was used of it, i thought getting lost to every class. Back home before my family inv

teleah

teleah

ouch

Woke up this morning to an email from my pedophile father, she woke up to a voicemail reminding her to call him at lunch to chat, ouch. I lost my mother, i only belong to a dad who broke me and she belongs to a dad who reminds her to take her vitamins on text. I struggle fixing things around the house, wishing i could ask a dad how to fix things, he calls and sees if she needs help with anything at all. ouch this hurts, feels like a weight of envy has been laid on my chest it is not fair,

teleah

teleah

guilty insomnia

I have not slept a whole night of sleep since Saturday night, the night I found out what a horrible mother i truly am.TW....... Last Saturday night my daughter threatened on snapchat to her friends, she was going to kill herself with an item she found in my belongings, this friend called the police who came to my house and we were escorted to the er in an ambulance to find out luckily she was fine and she was not serious, this was a week ago today and i still lie awake, guilt overwhelming me kno

teleah

teleah

My Dark Web

TW this poem is about what i go through when the depression hits hard like these past weeks.........     My Dark Web      i keep trying to push them away, protect them from my toxic darkness, I dont want to infect anyone else with my toxic darkness, my dark despair, so i push them away before they they get entangled in my dark web, I reason during the unreasonable hour of three in the morning, I should go before they get stuck in my hurt, in my soul muck, i should go before they w

teleah

teleah

the forest

Tonight, once again i visited the forest, the same forest i have been running through since 11, since the day i ran out of the forest into a pick up truck. Every few years, i find myself back in my mind in my dark heart, running towards my escape, that pick up truck that was supposed to end my abuse, end his terror over me but instead i am still here. The one thing i want to conquer in therapy is my desire to keep running towards that truck, the desire to end his now haunting terror in

teleah

teleah

Happy Birthday to me

Today is my birthday which for most people is good but for me i hate it and this is why, this why this is one of the most triggering days of the year. Every year i spend my day with my mom, she would tell me every year, the story about how i was born a blue baby and for three months i struggled for breathe and how she wanted to celebrate the miracle of me, and for that one day she tried to be the best mom, i got to pick my favorite food, go shopping, be spoiled but by bedtime, she could n

teleah

teleah

Happy Birthday Mom

Dear mom, happy birthday. last year was easier because i was working so hard on getting daughter through her senior year but this year, your loss has hit me like a ton of bricks and out of nowhere. I worked for 40 years to make you happy, proud of me, worthy of your praise and your love and i got nothing in return and was left with nothing except your blood money and my sister who you sheltered so much, i have had to take care of since your passing. I thought when you passed things would get eas

teleah

teleah

road trip

I was fourteen, my dad had insisted we go on a road trip to my uncles to retrieve some antique guns, world war 2 rifles so we went to missouri, the backwoods and visited for a whole two days until my dad could not handle the heat or the bugs, so we left to go to kansas for the rest of our trip, i was happy to be going to the big city, happy to spend time with my dad for what i thought would be a few magical days, We got there and checked into the hotel where i swam for him and he took me

teleah

teleah

Do not call me a survivor

Everyone calls me a survivor which pisses me off; i survived the horrific abuse, yayy me, now i am trying to survive the flashbacks, body memories, and not sleeping. Trying to survive being a whole wife, a wife who can be intimate with her husband without her fathers ghost voice in her ear, whispering i will always be his good girl, that i am going to be a great wife to someone some day and how lucky he has such a loving daughter. I know in the past i survived the rapes, the photo sessions, gran

teleah

teleah

This battle

Tomight I was hit by a horrible flashback, TW...... my dad whipping his belt on the bed, whack is all i hear now, this sound sent me into a crying jag and i texted hubby and he told me what i felt was normal, and that once i quit fighting the truth, it would get better, i texted back that would he be able to accept my truth that....TW My dad never loved me but lusted after me, that he intended to  hurt me, that he gave me to his dad and his friends and he texted back. yes he could and i should a

teleah

teleah

therapy today

After walking in the freezing cold, wearing a panda hat, i made it to therapy, cold but proud i made it there after last night, Last night things got super dark, i let my daughter sleep over on a school night so i could be alone, but honestly i lost my courage and i told my t that and i expected some help, maybe some rational thoughts to replace the irrational ones that are there since mom's passing last week, but instead we discussed why i didnt, which is my three cats, my daughter, my h

teleah

teleah

TC

In therapy we are working on parts of me, we started with the oldest that I actually like, sexy, funny, creative, meeting her was weird but ok, then last week my t faced me with TC, my youngest, she is 3 to 5, she carries the memories of grandpa, she keeps showing me glimpses of the hell she endured, mostly the times i was told to go sit with him and how i knew that meant to TW,,,,I knew how to pleasure a man at three, I was already taking care of my mom by keeping grandpa away from her so she w

teleah

teleah

TC just wants her dad

Went back to therapy this Thursday, still in outpatient but had to see if i could get trauma therapy and found out I could, wish was good news maybe. Anyway most of the session was talking to TC, my youngest little, she is 3 or 4, she is so little, it hurts to look at her, she does not usually talk just cries but she talked this time,because I was willing to hear her or maybe she found her voice, I asked her what she needed from me and she said, she needed to be be believed, she needed to feel s

teleah

teleah

I found her

For the last four years, I have put her name into facebook. j , and I never find her and tonight, there she was, TW,,,,,the girl my father took pictures with at the river, the girl whose smile is etched in mu head, her laughter as she rode her bike behind me, singing Blondie songs, the girl who stood beside me in front of the log, where I was used of posing, then her joyous warm smile turned into shock and shame as he took pictures of her and me in our pantties, seeing her, was good because she

teleah

teleah

Dear Sister

Dear Sister, You say you are proud of me how i have gotten over my past, ok really, dammit,TW... tell that to my leg that is bruised because I had a horrible flashback of my father pleasuring himself on the toliet while i took a bath, which caused me to have a dizzy attack and fall on my tubTW...., tell that to my neck that is swollen and hurt because i choked myself last night so hard just to shut up the loud littles that wanted to share their stories of horror and i just wanted to sleep, tell

teleah

teleah

Christmas at Seven

I was seven, it was my favorite time of the year, Christmas and we had spent three tense hours putting up the tree and it was finally time to put up the angel and my dad grabbed me, lifted me up and was leering at me, looking up my skirt, i felt the heat and shame as he took me down and my mother glared at me. The same Christmas, my dad and I somehow got in the bedroom and he wanted to TW anally rape me so he fingered me and ended up ripping me pretty bad so we ran to the grocery store for cream

teleah

teleah

words

Victim, was my moms favorite word for me, her greatest wish was for me to stop playing the victim in my life story, if i could just be a victor, i would drive, have a job, lose weight. get published if only i could see myself as a victor, she would be proud. Worthless was another favorite word for me, i was worthless because i never saw my potential. i was worthless because i did not drive, have a job, lose weight. Burden was another favorite word for me, my seizures were a burden to her, my clo

teleah

teleah

All for nothing

This week i looked up my abuser and found he erased me from my family tree, i was never born so I protected him for nothing, kept his abuse for secrets for nothing, fooled myself one day he would love me as a daughter not his property, i thought when i quit contact with him to stay sane, he would at least admit i existed but nope once and for all i get it, i was nothing to him but his sick plaything, i was never his daughter. I also foolishly believed if i was a good daughter to my abusive mom,

teleah

teleah

Nodak

Tenth Grade in high school was hell. I was Tw..... date raped in October, my crush got engaged while ,my mom got married and I never felt so alone in my fifteen years, I was overweight, scared and had sworn off boys after a painful breakup in my freshman year, I was alone while my mom and Jim went on a date, I looked in the bathroom and found my old seizure medication, not seeing things get better, I got a beer and went to my room, where my radio was on, and I was about to take the pills when th

teleah

teleah

Ten

At ten, my dad had an affair with a coworker and I was the one who told her, because a little witch in class asked what an affair is, so i stupidly asked my mom and all hell broke loose and that night my dad threw my mom into a coffee table and for two days she forgot who I was so a few days later my dad moved out and I foolishly believed the violence was over, maybe I could finally be safe but then the fighting really began, my dad would come over and steal her stuff or break it as I hid in my

teleah

teleah

When He Left

I was !0 and maybe a month when he left, my mom and dad had been going through an violent divorce for months, he had stolen my moms favorite silverware chest the one she got as a wedding gift from her boss, a watch he had bought her when she found out he bought his mistress a fur coat with his secret checking account then he took her engagement ring and her favorite only pearl necklace she got when she graduated, so my only job was to protect grapdpa's antique tools, her one real treasure, the o

teleah

teleah

T met Theresa

TW..... Last Tuesday I had a doctor appointment and had an episode, i rocked in my chair and tried to not cry, I sat there just looking at the examining table, seeing little Theresa, me at age six and I am red down there and my dad is glaring at me and the doctor is telling me how to wipe and i am humiliated, we go home and dad tells my mom what the doctor said and she flies into a rage and makes me wipe in front of her and dad until i bleed, then makes me go to bed, the next morning she tells m

teleah

teleah

His Good Girl

Yesterday was father's day, first year I chose not to call him or send him a card, so i tried to enjoy the freedom of not feeling obligated to honor him which went well until night thats when i turned into the good girl, the girl who always made everyone happy, first after going to flea market with family and tense ice cream, i came home. made dinner, exhausted, then instead of resting i washed his shirt to make him happy, then watched tv and then i suggested alone time, despite it being the mos

teleah

teleah

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