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teleahstears

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About this blog

recovering from csa and the struggle of accepting it and coping with the aftermath

Entries in this blog

words

Victim, was my moms favorite word for me, her greatest wish was for me to stop playing the victim in my life story, if i could just be a victor, i would drive, have a job, lose weight. get published if only i could see myself as a victor, she would be proud. Worthless was another favorite word for me, i was worthless because i never saw my potential. i was worthless because i did not drive, have a job, lose weight. Burden was another favorite word for me, my seizures were a burden to her, my clo

teleah

teleah

Why she believed me

I only told my mom about my babysitter, because she guessed because  I was acting jumpy when she asked what we did together, so she got mad and demanded I tell the truth, so I did but looking back she was not upset he was abusing her 8 year old daughter but relieved, there was a reason for the tw....rashes, infections, tearing, and it was not my dad or so she convinced herself so she could continue to be a good mom. My heart breaks knowing little Teleah was not supported by her

teleah

teleah

Why Am I not worth fighting for ?

Having a rough night tonight, I am trying to fight the negative voices but all I can hear, is my mom telling me I am not worth love and no one would ever love me as much as her. My heart is breaking because it hits me how no one has ever fought for me, my dad gave me away to grandpa and his friends, my stepdad did not fight for our friendship to continue or for me to be a part of his life, my mom did not fight for me, she just let dad have me for two weeks every summer even though i would come h

teleah

teleah

where i was

My daughter starts senior year tomorrow, i want to celebrate but i am stuck in where i was at that age, My first day senior year i knew no one at my three story shopping mall size high school, i felt so lost, alone which i was used of after coming home from  a week at my dads, a month ago. As  i walked the hallways. i felt isolated but i felt that in my house with my mom, my stepdad and my new baby sister, so i was used of it, i thought getting lost to every class. Back home before my family inv

teleah

teleah

When He Left

I was !0 and maybe a month when he left, my mom and dad had been going through an violent divorce for months, he had stolen my moms favorite silverware chest the one she got as a wedding gift from her boss, a watch he had bought her when she found out he bought his mistress a fur coat with his secret checking account then he took her engagement ring and her favorite only pearl necklace she got when she graduated, so my only job was to protect grapdpa's antique tools, her one real treasure, the o

teleah

teleah

When ?

When will i feel safe in my shower, my bath ? When will sleep not be my number one enemy ? When will a trigger just be a part of a gun ? When will I not hate myself for letting others get hurt ? When will i start protecting myself and not them ? When will i feel like a full sexual wife that does not shy away from his touch, his need ? When will i not hate myself for believing he ever loved me, i was anything but a doll to him ? When will his voice fade, not haunt my nights, my thoughts, my ears

teleah

teleah

What you left me

What you left me mom, what you left behind, was haunting words like retard mistake stupid not living up to my potential, a family you pushed away so i sided with you and now i have no family, a broken spirit that could never do anything right, make you happy, make you proud just because I was your daughter, anger searing my gut for all the times you told me i was waste of space and time, angry you never protected me from vile people, but no that was not enough mom, you left me with a sister you

teleah

teleah

what hurts the most

Had therapy today, it was intense, she is new to therapy so she is excited to have a strong client like me, I just smiled and said thanks and we moved on. We are going over the emotional abuse mostly but today the main topic was why my mother hated me so fiercely when i was little like when i was five to ten, and I realized it was because my dad paid more attention to me, took me out more, but here is the thing she would insist on us going out on dates once a week, fight my dad to take me out fo

teleah

teleah

Unstuck Words

Today I am useless at conversation, all my mouth wants to speak is the unstuck words, TW, my dad tried to sell me, i asked if i could move in senior year and he said we would discuss it over lunch so went for lunch where we met a man, i thought was an intern teacher who knew my dad, so we had lunch with him and for the first time i debated politics out loud and history, I was super proud I no longer sound like a retard, so proud I was finally smart enough for my dad or so i thought, then after l

teleah

teleah

trigger happy

Today I was trigger happy, everything triggered me, feel so defeated tonight as i attempt to go to sleep. First I woke up from a horrific nightmare that stuck with me, then got the bill for hubbys breakdown, that made me think i was at fault for calling the police and should've found him myself that night then I locked myself in my room and wept, then i picked up what i thought was an empty backpack and found condoms, triggering the preteen mr to say 10 over and over until i went to the library

teleah

teleah

trigger calendar

Once again its June, graduation time, and once again i feel completely defeated, my neighbors daughter is graduating and i am happy for her but i cant say anything or go over there, o am stuck in the last time my dad raped me on the eve of my graduation, stuck in that hotel room, lying there trying to float away but knowing what he was doing to me, actually feeling my heart break because all i wanted was him to be proud of me, wanted to take him out for dinner, just dinner, but once again he hur

teleah

teleah

Three Years

Dear mom, it's been three years since you passed, not a day goes by I am not conflicted between missing you and relieved you are gone and so is your gaslighting and emotional neglect and abuse.In the last three years, I have tried to stop defending you not protecting me from my pedophile grandpa, dad and his friend, you are no longer poor mom who grew up unloved so you did not know better, you are the mom that insisted I wore love baby's soft perfume between my thighs at six, insisted on me mode

teleah

teleah

This battle

Tomight I was hit by a horrible flashback, TW...... my dad whipping his belt on the bed, whack is all i hear now, this sound sent me into a crying jag and i texted hubby and he told me what i felt was normal, and that once i quit fighting the truth, it would get better, i texted back that would he be able to accept my truth that....TW My dad never loved me but lusted after me, that he intended to  hurt me, that he gave me to his dad and his friends and he texted back. yes he could and i should a

teleah

teleah

therapy today

After walking in the freezing cold, wearing a panda hat, i made it to therapy, cold but proud i made it there after last night, Last night things got super dark, i let my daughter sleep over on a school night so i could be alone, but honestly i lost my courage and i told my t that and i expected some help, maybe some rational thoughts to replace the irrational ones that are there since mom's passing last week, but instead we discussed why i didnt, which is my three cats, my daughter, my h

teleah

teleah

the forest

Tonight, once again i visited the forest, the same forest i have been running through since 11, since the day i ran out of the forest into a pick up truck. Every few years, i find myself back in my mind in my dark heart, running towards my escape, that pick up truck that was supposed to end my abuse, end his terror over me but instead i am still here. The one thing i want to conquer in therapy is my desire to keep running towards that truck, the desire to end his now haunting terror in

teleah

teleah

The case against me

Everyone says not my fault she is gone but they do not have my mountain of evidence. Exhibit a, I let my mom gaslight that she was overemotional, flighty, not sick. Exhibit b, I believe I was entrusting her to a capable father, I assumed he had the capacity to help her, I let my fantasy that he was a Prince fool me into believing he could take care of her, which he did not, Exhibit c, I let my jealousy get in the way of seeing her pain, of  seeing her traumas. Exhibit d, I believed when she told

teleah

teleah

Ten

At ten, my dad had an affair with a coworker and I was the one who told her, because a little witch in class asked what an affair is, so i stupidly asked my mom and all hell broke loose and that night my dad threw my mom into a coffee table and for two days she forgot who I was so a few days later my dad moved out and I foolishly believed the violence was over, maybe I could finally be safe but then the fighting really began, my dad would come over and steal her stuff or break it as I hid in my

teleah

teleah

TC just wants her dad

Went back to therapy this Thursday, still in outpatient but had to see if i could get trauma therapy and found out I could, wish was good news maybe. Anyway most of the session was talking to TC, my youngest little, she is 3 or 4, she is so little, it hurts to look at her, she does not usually talk just cries but she talked this time,because I was willing to hear her or maybe she found her voice, I asked her what she needed from me and she said, she needed to be be believed, she needed to feel s

teleah

teleah

TC

In therapy we are working on parts of me, we started with the oldest that I actually like, sexy, funny, creative, meeting her was weird but ok, then last week my t faced me with TC, my youngest, she is 3 to 5, she carries the memories of grandpa, she keeps showing me glimpses of the hell she endured, mostly the times i was told to go sit with him and how i knew that meant to TW,,,,I knew how to pleasure a man at three, I was already taking care of my mom by keeping grandpa away from her so she w

teleah

teleah

T met Theresa

TW..... Last Tuesday I had a doctor appointment and had an episode, i rocked in my chair and tried to not cry, I sat there just looking at the examining table, seeing little Theresa, me at age six and I am red down there and my dad is glaring at me and the doctor is telling me how to wipe and i am humiliated, we go home and dad tells my mom what the doctor said and she flies into a rage and makes me wipe in front of her and dad until i bleed, then makes me go to bed, the next morning she tells m

teleah

teleah

So Lost

I lost my half sister nine months ago and I am so lost in self hate, self blame, I have spent weeks sexting strange men to distract myself from my grief. My grief is for the loss of her, but she was it, my last blood. I grieve I wasted so much time, envious that she got the safe dad, so much time wasted lost in my pain of my past, I didn't get to love her in the present for the fragile flower my sister was not the entitled princess I had written her to be. I am so lost, lost in sexual addiction,

teleah

teleah

Six boxes

My sister Carina passed two long weeks ago, I went home for the funeral and ended up going through her belongings from 32 short years. I kept some of her books, her electic cd collection and some of her sketches, which all fit into six boxes which are now being shipped to me. I do not want the damn boxes, I want her back, I want to hear her whine about her room mates, laugh at her dating disasters, then tell her how sorry I am I believed my mom when she told me she was the strong one, the one wh

teleah

teleah

Secrets I Kept

The other day at a thrift store, I was hit by another hidden part of my trauma, a t-shirt with the travel destination Vail on it, I froze, that shirt took me back again to right before the divorce. My dad went to a convention without mom so when he came home she kicked him out and within seconds ordered me to go get him, so I went outside and got in the car, he was crying and then informed he had met a woman he loved, not as much as me, he wanted me more than her, I was nine, then he handed me a

teleah

teleah

Secrets I Kept

The other day at a thrift store, I was hit by another hidden part of my trauma, a t-shirt with the travel destination Vail on it, I froze, that shirt took me back again to right before the divorce. My dad went to a convention without mom so when he came home she kicked him out and within seconds ordered me to go get him, so I went outside and got in the car, he was crying and then informed he had met a woman he loved, not as much as me, he wanted me more than her, I was nine, then he handed me a

teleah

teleah

Secrets I Kept

The other day at a thrift store, I was hit by another hidden part of my trauma, a t-shirt with the travel destination Vail on it, I froze, that shirt took me back again to right before the divorce. My dad went to a convention without mom so when he came home she kicked him out and within seconds ordered me to go get him, so I went outside and got in the car, he was crying and then informed he had met a woman he loved, not as much as me, he wanted me more than her, I was nine, then he handed me a

teleah

teleah

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