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About this blog

my thought process

Entries in this blog

 

Family

So with all the political shit becoming even more important and Donald Trump saying the things he has, i have blown up on social media at my family. All of the arguing and trying to make me change my mind because I'm "young and naive" and "don't understand" how our country works pushed me over the edge and i went off on my family, and the only person who stood up for me is the first person i ever told about my attack and she helped me through the recovery of it while i was still her student. Sin

Amd1217

Amd1217

 

Tonic Immobility

Today i was doing Title IX training for my college. The training focuses on being safe whilst partying and drinking at school. it also focuses on Sexual Assault. explains what to do if you are attacked or someone you know is stacked or you are accused of committing sexual assault. whilst going through the sexual assault portion of the training, i came across a fact i hadn't known existed. It said that almost 50% of victims experience something called tonic immobility, which is described as the b

Amd1217

Amd1217

 

It's My Birthday..

i'm 18 now. i don't know how i feel. most people i know get super excited about turning 18 and everything but I'm here so confused as to what the big deal is. i guess i just don't have anything to look forward to. the main thing i want i will never get. i didn't have a good day during school. i don't know. I'm just confused.

Amd1217

Amd1217

 

The Polar Express.

My family came home tonight from my sisters chorus concert and not even a minute after walking in the door they put on The Polar Express. I cannot watch that movie and haven't been able to since my attack 3 years ago. We were supposed to be watching it... I'm feeling so angry and triggered and lost and I just want to punch a hole through my bedroom walls! It's such a weird trigger... I hate the holidays so much for this reason: i can't watch Christmas movies without thinking about that stupid

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Amd1217

 

Getting Through

my birthday is in a week and 2 days. then 8 days later is christmas then new years. i'm currently stuck between holidays and i hate it. i hate being around family, especially during this time of the year, because my initial attack was on 11/25/12 and so the dreaded anniversary is always around holidays. my extended family does not know, to my knowledge, about my attack and that is why its is so hard, i think, for them to understand and respect my wishes of not being touched. on Thanksgiving i tr

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Amd1217

 

No Sleep

i'm so tired of nightmares and flashbacks that i've resorted to trying to stay up until i physically can't any longer. not good.

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Educating Others

So i was at work tonight and one of my co-workers, whom i have told, asked more about the attack since i had never said anything except "I was attacked when i was 14". Upon telling him a little about the attack (who it was, generally what happened, aftermath) he was still a little confused. and i understand that some people who don't experience mental illness or assault won't understand why we can't just move on. but that being said i was trying to explain to him my PTSD and why i can be trigge

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Amd1217

 

The Time Between

I'm not sure why exactly but these last few months I have desperately wanted to go back to the year between when it happened and when I began to face it. I mean, I'll always want to go back to before but I know that can never happen. But that year between it all was very strange yet I find myself reminiscing about it. I was 14 when it happened, so a freshman, and I didn't know what to do so I completely blocked it from my memory. When people asked about it (because he bragged) I would deny it a

Amd1217

Amd1217

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