So with all the political shit becoming even more important and Donald Trump saying the things he has, i have blown up on social media at my family. All of the arguing and trying to make me change my mind because I'm "young and naive" and "don't understand" how our country works pushed me over the edge and i went off on my family, and the only person who stood up for me is the first person i ever told about my attack and she helped me through the recovery of it while i was still her student. Since we are friends now on social media she saw what was happening to me and stepped in to tell me, in front of them, that i wasn't wrong for telling them that making light of what DJT said makes my recovery difficult, and that led to my family asking what she was talking about, which led to me telling my extended family that i was raped 4 years ago. No part of me was mad at my friend, i was grateful she stepped in and said something because i was struggling to find the way to tell my extended family before the holidays. She gave me an avenue to do so and I'm happy about that. I'm not happy that my mother is angry with her. No one else understands my struggle; our struggle. My friend does because she's been through it as well. Im so lucky to have her to still talk to when things get to be way too difficult because either she's at the same spot as me or has been before and can give me advice on how she overcame.
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Today i was doing Title IX training for my college. The training focuses on being safe whilst partying and drinking at school. it also focuses on Sexual Assault. explains what to do if you are attacked or someone you know is stacked or you are accused of committing sexual assault. whilst going through the sexual assault portion of the training, i came across a fact i hadn't known existed. It said that almost 50% of victims experience something called tonic immobility, which is described as the body believing that playing dead is the best way to survive an attack. in other words, freezing up. this is what happened to me. i could't move or scream. i could do nothing. i was frozen.
i still don't know how to feel about this. i just feel nauseous and numb.
i'm 18 now. i don't know how i feel. most people i know get super excited about turning 18 and everything but I'm here so confused as to what the big deal is. i guess i just don't have anything to look forward to. the main thing i want i will never get. i didn't have a good day during school. i don't know. I'm just confused.
My family came home tonight from my sisters chorus concert and not even a minute after walking in the door they put on The Polar Express. I cannot watch that movie and haven't been able to since my attack 3 years ago. We were supposed to be watching it...
I'm feeling so angry and triggered and lost and I just want to punch a hole through my bedroom walls!
It's such a weird trigger...
I hate the holidays so much for this reason: i can't watch Christmas movies without thinking about that stupid man (if it be fit to call him that)! I hate him so much! I wish I'd never met him!
my birthday is in a week and 2 days. then 8 days later is christmas then new years. i'm currently stuck between holidays and i hate it. i hate being around family, especially during this time of the year, because my initial attack was on 11/25/12 and so the dreaded anniversary is always around holidays. my extended family does not know, to my knowledge, about my attack and that is why its is so hard, i think, for them to understand and respect my wishes of not being touched. on Thanksgiving i tried asking them all not to touch me because it was the days after the anniversary, which was really bad this year, but not a single person listened and then no one could figure out why i was in such a bad state of mind, not even my parents.. i'm trying to distract myself as best i can but it hasnt been working. i'm beginning to get more worried everyday that things dont get better.... i'm so lost and confused and my mind wont stop going every which way!
i'm so tired of nightmares and flashbacks that i've resorted to trying to stay up until i physically can't any longer. not good.
So i was at work tonight and one of my co-workers, whom i have told, asked more about the attack since i had never said anything except "I was attacked when i was 14". Upon telling him a little about the attack (who it was, generally what happened, aftermath) he was still a little confused.
and i understand that some people who don't experience mental illness or assault won't understand why we can't just move on. but that being said i was trying to explain to him my PTSD and why i can be triggered by several different things and he kept saying "so you won't ever be able to say 'this happened to me who cares? it's in the past now'?". i guess i'm struggling with why he doesn't get it because he said he doesn't think that way about combat soldiers with PTSD...
I find it hard to talk about these things with people who just don't understand because even after ive tried explaining it tons of times they still think "That's dumb! Just get over it!"
I'm not sure why exactly but these last few months I have desperately wanted to go back to the year between when it happened and when I began to face it. I mean, I'll always want to go back to before but I know that can never happen. But that year between it all was very strange yet I find myself reminiscing about it.
I was 14 when it happened, so a freshman, and I didn't know what to do so I completely blocked it from my memory. When people asked about it (because he bragged) I would deny it and say nothing happened and after a while, they stopped asking. Once the questioning ended, everything was quiet. Maybe not mentally but I assumed it was because of something else so I ignored it. I just did my thing like I normally would have and it wasn't until almost a year later (about 11 months) that the seed of what actually happened was planted in my brain again. It took another 3-4 months for me to really come to terms with reality and when I did, I was sitting in my theatre classroom, stunned to silence.
Since then I've been incredibly up and down. This past month has been awful for me and I think that's why I want to go back to the time between so horribly. I haven't slept much at all for weeks. Depression, anxiety, paranoia, and PTSD symptoms have gotten much worse. So, I've decided that maybe I need to go see a psychiatrist..
We'll see what my parents think of that.