Thank you for everyone and anyone who reads my story. You have no idea how much peace of mind it gives me just writing my story down. I know I haven't been on here for a while so here is a little update on my life. I am getting married in 3 months!! Crazy right? I cant believe I actually found someone to put up with me. But there is something... I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try I will never be able to move on from what happened to me. My mom always tells me how proud she is of me that I put that in the past and I have come so far but she doesn't know the pain I feel when I'm alone driving I the car and all I do is think. Think of that asshole and what he did and what he took away. Everyone says that you will never be the same and you will be a better stronger person of yourself but I honestly don't feel that way. I feel worse about myself I have a man that is completely in love with me and all I seem to ever do is cry and feel lonely and miserable half the time. I blame him for what he took away from me that night. I just want to be myself again. Not a new better version just me... Idk if I will ever be that again and it terrifies me..I feel like I am holding myself back from my fiancé because I am so controlled by the past. Like I cant be 100% with him because I am so scared of being hurt. Scew any guy who has ever taken advantage of a girl!! its not fair that he gets to sit there and ruin my life and get away with it! Get to walk around like nothing happened!
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So its been a while since I've posted on here and honestly I think its because I wanted to pretended like my life is all better and things are perfect when that isn't the case at all. So about a year ago I met an amazing man and he has a wonderful daughter then 8 months later we are engaged and don't get me wrong I am as happy as I could ever be but I still feel like I'm not healed like a part of me is still missing and broken and I don't know how to fix that. I want to pretend like that night never happened and I have this wonderful life and this wonderful new beginning and I'm just not sure if that is the case... will I always be sad? will I always be broken a little? I have taken on a lot in the last year and all I want for myself is to BE HAPPY AGAIN.
So after 12 weeks of individual therapy I started going to a group meeting. Tomorrow is the day that we share our stories about what happened to us. I'm not going to lie I am so nervous.. I haven't talked about that night in months and honestly I've wanted to just forget it even happened. I feel all these emotions at once. I'm angry and sad and hurt and nervous all at the same time. Apart of me doesn't even want to go and do this. I hate talking about my feelings and I hate feeling vulnerable. I feel like I just want to stay in my room and curl in a ball and stay here forever. I am the best at pushing my feelings deep down inside and not expressing them and I hate that about myself. Idk I guess apart of me feels like I should just be alone for the rest of my life so I don't hurt anyone else in my healing process...
So i started dating this guy and he is so sweet. He has taken me out to dinner and concerts and has just been the sweetest person i have probably ever met. He tells me how much he cares about me and i care about him a lot but i am so terrified to get close to him because the last guy i got close to and told him about my assault he dumped me and left me all alone. I feel myself being guarded and I hate it.. I almost feel like I want to tell him about what happened to me but it hasn't even been a month so I know it is to soon right?
So tonight was the first night I went on a date since my assault about 10 months ago.. I was so nervous but the guy was so sweet. I met him there even though he kept asking to pick me and we had a really nice time. He kept complimenting me and we never ran out of things to talk about. He didn't try to kiss me when he walked me to my car which I really appreciated. But something happened when I got home. I just started crying.. I don't know why and I cant explain it but I felt so sad inside.. Maybe I'm not ready to start dating? Maybe I'm not ready to let someone in. I am still so terrified of trusting people in and I hate it..
So after my assault me and my boyfriend at the time fought like crazy.. I would get to angry at everything that he did even when he was trying to help me but at that time I was in the worst place I have ever been and didn't know how to handle/ process what had happened to me and after a couple months of fighting and me stopping getting intimate with him he just dumped me.. He broke my heart he left me all alone and tonight I received a message from him saying "I miss you we need to catch up." Catch up on what? you leaving me when I needed you the most? You promising you would always be there and ignored me for 7 months? You getting a girlfriend 3 weeks after we broke up? I am so angry that he would have the guts to talk to me after what he did...
I don't know about anyone else but letting people into my life is so hard. I try to be open and let people in as much as I can but I am so terrified of getting hurt. My ex boyfriend dumped me after my assault because I would cry all the time and stopped getting intimate with him, but he didn't and doesn't know the pain I feel everyday from what happened to me that night. He broke my heart. He was my best friend and he treated me like dirt. So now when someone acts like they care or wants to get close my only reaction is to shut off and push them away. I just feel like being alone is way better than getting hurt again.
Sometimes I feel like I am putting on a show. Only a few number of people know about my assault. I don't tell people because a part of me is embarrassed and a part of me still doesn't want to believe it is true. I feel as if I have to tell everyone that I am doing better and I feel like a whole new person after being in therapy but the truth is I don't. I still cry about it all the time and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about that night. My parents hate to see me hurting inside and be sad all the time so I fell like I have to smile when I don't want and be happy when all I want is to lay in bed all day. It is so hard to be around my family sometimes because I feel like I am carrying this huge secret. I don't know to pretend anymore.