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My Healing Journey from CSA

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hoping2heal

Something For Me

Today I did something for me. I washed my hair, showered, cleaned my home, and exercised my body. This may not seem like a big deal to anyone else but this is coming from a person who previously couldn't get out of the bed. I look like a normal, healthy person but deep inside I'm a frightened little girl burying herself with food and using her fat as a shield. Today is different. Today I did something for me. :)

hoping2heal

It's only been 3 days since I've started up my weight-loss/fitness journey and I'm actually feeling like it's working out for me. The other times I've tried I merely failed and knew I wasn't really dedicated to it or I was doing it for someone else. This time I'm doing it for me. I have flat feet and some exercises really hurt but I started walking which is quite easy on the joints. I'll look into getting some gel pads and a basin to soak my feet in afterwards. Whatever happens, I can't allow myself to quit.

Obviously 90% of successful weight-loss is diet so I'm starting to eat on small salad/saucer plates again. This is allowing my brain to believe that I'm actually eating more than I am. I also allow myself unlimited servings of veggies. I eat what I want now, just in smaller portions and I make sure I work out an hour a day, 5 days a week. Walking takes almost no effort if you're my size so it's easy for me to just get it done. I even leave my shoes, shades, and ear phones at the bottom of my stairs so that when I go to the kitchen I remind myself to work out.

I was always afraid to shed the weight because I didn't want to feel vulnerable again like when I was a skinny child. I also wanted to keep the weight on as a protector from unwanted male attention. I've done that for the worst half of 30 years and quite frankly I'm sick and tired of hiding. I shouldn't have to hide; I wasn't the one who did this to me. And by allowing my fat to stay, to keep me trapped I'm letting my abusers win. I'm going to see this through and take back my joy by shedding the weight once and for all.

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