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About this blog

blog more focused toward my past.

Entries in this blog

 

Punishment

These memories will not leave me alone. I just want to break down and cry. Honestly, I want to die right now. I don’t think I can handle this. I keep remembering and it doesn’t stop.. Round and round in m head, I’m on a carousal and I’m not allowed off. I keep seeing my uncle. It’s summer and Tyler is baby-sitting me again. I keep wishing they would stop letting him watch me. It’s night time and still no one is home. I am starting to believe they will never come home. Tyler comes into the
swimmingwolf

swimmingwolf

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Struggling To Get Use To Safety

As of lately I feel more and more out of control. As if I can't get use to being safe. Its been 16 months since I've been away from all of the abuse and all I keep doing is wanting to go back to it. I feel as if I'm completely crazy. Or am I just so damaged that all my life can consist of is abuse to feel normal.. Some days I feel like a large part of me is missing because I'm no longer being abused. I'm unable to do anything anymore without second guessing myself. And I'm also f
swimmingwolf

swimmingwolf

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Safe But Estranged.

So its been 16 months since i was last attacked. And honestly i cant get use to being safe. It scares me so much to be this way. Im so use to living every day wondering "will this be the day my mother kills me" or " will my uncle finally finish me off so i cant tell again". See my entire life has been one bad thing or another. My earliest memory is of my father sodomizing me. Then i have a mother who is not mentally stable and that's when shes sober. Which most of the time she was sober but she
swimmingwolf

swimmingwolf

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First Entry..

So im not really to sure on what I'm doing, but i feel like maybe this might help. And i could be wrong but i will never know if i don't try. I suffer from Complex PTSD, which is complicated by a dissociative disorder OCD and depression. I Have stopped trying to make people believe my story and have gotten to a point where i am struggling so deeply inside that i feel permanently stuck. Though i know this cant be because there has to be more on the other side of this valley i'm in i just don't
swimmingwolf

swimmingwolf

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