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About this blog

blog more focused toward my past.

Entries in this blog

swimmingwolf

As of lately I feel more and more out of control.

:triggering2::triggering2::triggering2::triggering2:

As if I can't get use to being safe. Its been 16 months since I've been away from all of the abuse and all I keep doing is wanting to go back to it. I feel as if I'm completely crazy. Or am I just so damaged that all my life can consist of is abuse to feel normal.. Some days I feel like a large part of me is missing because I'm no longer being abused.

I'm unable to do anything anymore without second guessing myself. And I'm also finding myself wishing for someone to hit me or something. I mean what kind of sane person wants to go back to that abuse???

I was abused from the age of four (at least that is my earliest memory) till I was nineteen. Whats worse, at least in my eyes, is that it was multiple people (family, family friends, strangers..)

and never once was i discovered. My entire existence slipped through the cracks. The two time CPS (child protective services) did get involved they dropped my case.

First time was when I was maybe four or five, my bio mom (I will call her Lee), refused to allow them to talk to me. Now i don't know about everyone else in the world, but to me that would seem very odd to me and i would NOT just drop the case. But they did, so i never got help at the age. Had I been helped then I would have went through a whole lot less then I did.

The second time I was in high school. It was my senior year, October or November maybe, and CPS got called again due to a flashback I had had that I written down to try to keep myself grounded being found :oops: . Well this caused a huge uproar. At the time I lived with my bio-father (who I will call Tim) and he was a very well known and highly respected man. You see he lived in a very small town where everyone knows your name. He was a Registered Nurse Practitioner whom ran a branch of a home health care services. So every one looked up to him and held him in high regards. He had only lived there for seven maybe eight years but his wife (whom i will call Jen) had grown up in this town her entire life. So when the police officer got to the school I was left alone with him. He proceeded to handcuff me and slam me against the wall exclaiming i better recant my "lies" or he would arrest me for making a false report. So of course I did. This how ever was not the end of it, when I got home I had been screamed at by Jen, and then screamed and beat by Lee and Tim.. I learned then that I was going to remain a "family secret" from then on out.. :sadang:

That is only mild for me, for what I have suffered. But in the end I still miss it. And to me that makes me feel like I'm maybe asking for it and that maybe I deserved what I got. So all I want to do is apologize all the time for whatever it is I did to deserve all this.. :sor:

swimmingwolf

First Entry..

So im not really to sure on what I'm doing, but i feel like maybe this might help. And i could be wrong but i will never know if i don't try.

I suffer from Complex PTSD, which is complicated by a dissociative disorder OCD and depression. I Have stopped trying to make people believe my story and have gotten to a point where i am struggling so deeply inside that i feel permanently stuck.

Though i know this cant be because there has to be more on the other side of this valley i'm in i just don't know how to get there right. So i figured maybe there is no other better way to figure it out then to talk with people who have experienced the same things as me. I know that we all have different stories and that some are worse than others and i don't wish to compare anyone to me or to make anyone feel like i'm am claiming that mine was the worst. For i know that it wasn't the worst in the world, however i am aware that my story is a bad one.

With that said i am wanting to make this blog be towards more of the experiences i have had. This includes sexual abuse incest rape self mutilation cancer illness torture kidnapping and even child prostitution. so please be warned that my blog might get a bit graphic at times and should be thought of as being possibly trigger inducing at times.

I would say enjoy but that is not the word for something like this, so instead i will say, safe reading and most importantly make sure to take care of your self first.

swimmingwolf

So ive never done this before..wrote down any of the things that i have been through..and im scared to start to be honest...

But im going to take a leap of faith and share one of the.... well one of many of my stories...

:triggering::triggering::triggering::triggering:

So my first memory of csa i would have to guess im about three years old.. [My memory of my child hood prior to being 13 is very sketchy and very out of place so im bad with time lines of my own life...] I was forced to go with my father for a month in the summer, I never wanted to go up there and for the longest time i couldnt remember why i hated visiting him so much...

He lived in IL at this time and i remember the layout of the house the most.. I was put in the basement to sleep, and even though it was concrete floors i didnt really mind because it had a pretty view from the sliding doors out to the hill side.. I did find it funny that i slept down there because it was the washer room and pantry area it wasnt really a bedroom. It just had a bed on the floor for me and that was it.

Well one night i remember my father coming down there and laying in the bed with me.. at the time i didnt think anything was wrong because he was m dad and dads do that right? well i was wrong...

:triggering: This part might be to graphic for some but i feel if im not it will just continue to eat me up :sor:

He started to whisper in my ear, and to be honest i dont remember what..

but then he started to rub my b**t through my panties.. and i found this strange but for some reason i couldnt tell him to stop.. i remember him putting his hands in my panties and start to move his fonger in circle around my b hole and i remember feeling really scared.. but not sure why i felt scared, as far as i can remember this had never happen before yet i knr=ew to be scared.. he then procceded to insert his finger in dry and when i started to scream and squirm he hit me in the head and covered my mouth with his other hand and told me if i wasnt a good girl it would be much much worse...

He did this for days.. every night coming down and fingering me from behind... then one night i guess it wasnt enough because he gagged me with something and forced me into the doggie position and tied my legs to some kind of stick or something to make it so i couldnt pull my legs together.... i remember him telling me to stay relaxed or it would only hurt me..well i guess i didnt stay relaxed because when his packaged entered me i felt like i was going to die..i remember the pain the most and not much of anything else till im in the shower.... i dont know if he put me there or if i walked there myself... but it was one of those really big stand up showers with the natural looking rock work..

i was laying on my side on the floor just staring at the water go down the drain.. i remember thinking how odd it was that the water was red [which i now know to be blood from where my father had sodomized me]

i didnt remember this till i was almost 18..and sometimes i really wish i wouldnt remember it at all... What scares me more is that im scared about what all else my brain is hiding from me...

:sadang:

Source: One Of A Few.....

swimmingwolf

So its been 16 months since i was last attacked. And honestly i cant get use to being safe. It scares me so much to be this way. Im so use to living every day wondering "will this be the day my mother kills me" or " will my uncle finally finish me off so i cant tell again". See my entire life has been one bad thing or another. My earliest memory is of my father sodomizing me. Then i have a mother who is not mentally stable and that's when shes sober. Which most of the time she was sober but she would have a week or two where she was a constant drunk. Being drunk and bipolar is not a good combination. :shrugs: Then my fathers youngest brother r***d me from the time i was 7 till just 16 months ago, (I'm 20 now). And no matter who i told no one ever cared or helped me. I was made to look like a liar and unstable. I do openly admit (though i don't always come out and say it) that i do suffer from Complex PTSD. but that doesn't make me unstable. I don't know how to live "safe" and its becoming apparent that my body is always going to be in that " danger around every corner" mode. As for the last few weeks I'm unable to sleep due to horrendous nightmares that refuse to let up and I'm getting to a point that i desperately want to be normally. But i seriously am starting to doubt that i can ever be that. I feel like damaged materials that can never be repaired.... :g.up:

swimmingwolf

:triggering::triggering::triggering::triggering:

So all i keep remembering is a time when i was about 4-6. It was when my father was with his second wife and i think at the time he lived in Indiana. See he moved a lot due to his job. But he had just started college again to become a nurse. The only thing is he didn't make enough to pay for it on his own. So instead he started to sell me instead. Well in the process of all this i started to become numb to myself and feel split. Still me but not at the same time. I guess that was my bodes way of protecting itself from the trauma.

I keep having flashes of this one instance and i cant get it out of my head. My father stuck me in the "special room" which i knew to mean that one of his friends where coming over... Which to me this always meant pain. I don't know why i didn't fight or refuse to go in there but i didn't... This time was different though. It had always bee just one but this time there was two men. I remember one to be of darker skin almost like coffee with a lot of milk in it. and one to be white. i don't remember there faces and i barely remember what happened that night. Which is honestly probably for the better.

I do remember though them forcing me to give both of them oral.. I can still feel them in my mouth and taste them...it makes me sick.... :ill: The next thing i remember is the man of color starting to rub me in between my legs. so at this they lay me down on my back and both start to rub me. one was rubbing my but and the other my front both still only touching my panties... I remember feeling so scared and at the same time feeling myself float away.

I guess i stayed floating for awhile because the next thing i remember is my father picking me up and laying me in a warm bath. I could barely move and the water i noticed was a light pink color after i was put in it. I felt so tired and was in so much pain i just broke down and started sobbing into my hands. That kind of sob that is quite but racks your entire body :tear: . I remember thing i just wanted to die...But instead i next found myself in bed with the smell of medicine in the air...

I know there is very large chunks of that night missing and i know that that wasn't the first nor the last time that happen to me. But thats just the one that stuck... at least for now And honestly i hope forever...

Source: Just Another Piece Of The Puzzle

swimmingwolf

Punishment

:triggering2::triggering2::triggering2::triggering::triggering::triggering:

These memories will not leave me alone. I just want to break

down and cry. Honestly, I want to die right now. I don’t think I can handle

this. I keep remembering and it doesn’t stop.. Round and round in m head, I’m

on a carousal and I’m not allowed off.

I keep seeing my uncle. It’s summer and Tyler is baby-sitting

me again. I keep wishing they would stop letting him watch me. It’s night time

and still no one is home. I am starting to believe they will never come home.

Tyler comes into the room and I know one of his games are about to start and

even if I pretend to be asleep he won’t stop. There is no stopping him. He

walks over to me and pulls my shirt up over my head, causing my hands to be

pinned behind me. He then latches onto my underdeveloped nipple. When I try to

push him away he hits me in the head and threatens to tell on me (I had

accidently spilt juice on the carpet earlier because I had a drink where it wasn’t

supposed to be). So I gave up and let him win. I hoped it would be quick and

that he would leave me alone soon, but like most nights I was wrong. He pushed

me to the floor and pulled out this bottle of I think it was shampoo or body

wash. I wanted to ask what it was for but I knew that I’m not supposed to talk.

He then pulled my panties down by my knees I think… Things start getting kind

of fuzzy from here. I don’t know where they go they are just gone. I cant move

my wrists no matter what I try. He’s forced me to have my bum in the air in

front off him… I can feel my heart beating out of my chest and my ears are

ringing and its very hard for me to sit still… He starts to pour the liquid on

to me till it’s all over… Then he rubs my back side for what feels like forever…

He says something to me but my ears are ringing so bad I cant hear him at all. Then he sticks a finger in..

He was gentle at first all I could feel was the pressure… But he yanks it out

and the shock of the pain makes me yelp. He then shoves something into my mouth

and starts yelling at me saying I need to be punished.. I hear his zipper and

he rammed it in.. All I remember is the pain. I felt like I was being ripped in

half.. I could actually hear my flesh ripping and I swear he moans at that… He

just kept thrusting at me so hard that my body gets getting pushed even though he’s

hold me.. I can feel and see I’m bleeding on him yet he doesn’t stop…I know I should

have been hurting but my entire body feels numb and detached.. It’s the first

time for that to happen and I’m grateful. I can feel myself floating away… I

remember starring at the window just wishing to be dead.. That the pain would

stop and I would no longer exist.. Next thing I remember is him throwing me on

the bed and I’m clothed again and I smell cleaning supplies. My entire bod is

cold and hurting. I’m scared to move because I know it is just going to hurt so

I just lay there… and slip into the darkness…

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