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About this blog

My memories, the good and the bad. Eventually, my story.

Entries in this blog

FinallySpeakingOut

1/7/15

I woke up this morning from a nightmare, again. It was a snow day, but I still woke up at 7:45. At 8:45 I went to my doctor. We upped my antidepressant medication and put me on an anxiety medication. I'm so scared of myself. I can't focus, and my grades are slipping; up until now I have been a straight A student. Now I have a C- in one of my classes.

I haven't seen him since before Christmas break. I hope it doesn't change.

I've been trying to write poetry, something like SLAM to use at the Variety Show my school holds every year. I just can't get the words to come out right. It terrifies me that this has affected me this much, that I can no longer do what I love because I can't focus. How could he do this to me? Why would he? I gave him everything I could and he took more than I was willing to give. He took my sanity, my freedom, my life. He doesn't even care...and I can't find the will to blame him, to blame anyone...all I want to do is sleep.

FinallySpeakingOut

Today

All-or most-of my blogs will have a trigger warning.

Today was tough. Walking around praying I wouldn't see him...I had to leave one of the clubs I enjoy most because he was always there. He still doesn't get that he did anything wrong. I feel sick, physically ill when I think about what he did to me...what I let him do. I was dating him. I hate that I still feel like it was my fault, that maybe he's right, maybe I am a wh*re. I loved him...I gave him my heart, and he doesn't even care that I'm hurting. Why? Why did you do this to me? Why did you hurt me? Why?!?!

Only when I look back do I accept what it wasn't my fault. That when he asked over and over and over, when he made it clear that 'no' was NOT an acceptable answer, saying yes was the doomed single option from the start. I hate how much he affected me. How a single night pushed me over the edge of my sanity, of my ability to handle it, to cope. I despise him, and I despise myself as well.

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