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Had a new memory last night. Fucking irate about it. Took some meds, calmed down, went to sleep. woke up EVERY three hours feel like I haven't slept at all. I need some serious comfort. or an attitude adjustment. or just some fucking sleep. none of which is gonna be easy to come by today. that memory is just so fucked up. and me, being stupid, am surprised. Idk why... it's perfectly in line with everything else he did to me. but... he once told my sister (who he also abused) that he wouldn'
I really don't see the point anymore. I lost two friends recently -- one because she walked away and the other because she VICIOUSLY turned on me out of nowhere (not that she'll take responsibility for that). In addition: I've lost both of my cats my car my entire family and another friend who decided I was too "immature" to deal with (sorry if you don't like the littles bit*h) I just don't see the point of putting myself out there anymore, of meeting anyone else EVER when they're just gonna dec
Buffy: Does it ever get easy?Giles: You mean life?Buffy: Yeah. Does it get easy?Giles: What do you want me to say?Buffy: (looks up at him) Lie to me.Giles: (considers a moment) Yes, it's terribly simple.Giles: The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after.Buffy: Liar. --- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 2 Not s
I do better for a few days, feeling strong and then I dealt with a situation with a friend that I needed to deal with -- I had to cut her off because it's just been lingering there for years and it's not healthy -- but then saying goodbye brought up all this grief and pain and I'm right back in the thick of it again. When does this nightmare end? I am so tired of one step forward 294,350,478 back. I just want to be able to live and it feels like I can't because there's all this pain and anger a
So, for a moment, let's just believe healing is possible. What would that mean? If you could let go of the negative beliefs, if the pain and terror and shame and anger no longer controlled you every move? If you could let go of it. If you could change your ingrained beliefs and come to healthier understandings. What kind of life would you want? What dreams do you have that you think are impossible because of what happened to you? What would be doing if you'd never been a survivor? Those are
I joined AS about a year and a half ago, but left shortly afterward because I wasn't ready to deal with my CSA. Now, I'm fully engaged in dealing with it -- all aspects of it. I see my T twice a week and I spend every other day of the week working on therapy homework, reading books about my illnesses, reading articles online about things like Learned Helplessness and what I can do to fix the issues I have in my current relationships with friends. But coming back to AS is proving to be a very p