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ive spent some time thinking about what has been going on in my head and i think i can see some of the triggers im having. when i get ready to go anywhere, my husband has this habit of cornering me and blocking my exit. he is much larger and stronger than i am and i feel like i did when my stepfather trapped me in rooms and wouldnt let me out until i paid his toll. even now i make myself 'pay' in advance to get out when i want to go. it feels sickening to think about why i do it. i love him and
A rough couple of days with issues of feeling like i have been triggered but not sure why. I have made some requests for counseling to work through this time but no answers so i guess its another time of going it alone. not a whole lot of the 'i give up' thoughts but really drowning in the 'i deserve to be punished' thoughts. i had really hoped i could find someone willing to sit with me for a while to get through this but as usual, i go it alone. im tired. i answer the call all hours several ti
made it through the night and the sun is shining. i have committed myself to things i dont really want to do but i think they may be good for me in the long run. i have isolated myself so much lately that anxiety overwhelms me everytime i have to go outside so i am making myself help someone else out for the day. my husband doesnt understand but that is ok, he still supports me in what i do. something happened last night that made a lot of struggle seem worth while. i got to be the voice in the
i wonder if other people have to remind themselves to feel emotions and feelings too. I have to tell myself its time to feel love or compassion or understanding. i have to convince myself its time to go to bed or to get to work. i know there is part of me that runs things and part of me that waits to be told what to do and i wonder if everyone goes through the same thing. part of me wants things to just be over and part of me says we cant because we have work to do. part is grown up and protecti
Ive worked all night and wondered how i will handle the day. so many decisions and choices that could be the right or wrong ones at any time. sometimes being a grown up can be fun but most of the time it is just making sure we do what we are suppose to do to make it in this world we were delivered into to live. i dont like being a grown up anymore and i want to try the childhood everyone sees on tv. i want simplicity. i want to find pleasure in getting dirty in the yard or playing with the anima
Some memories are haunting me tonight. Back when payphones still existed, I was 14. I walked to the store to get a pack of cigarettes and to call a crisis line. My step-father had just done it again and I was feeling pretty bad. I couldn't call from home because mom would have been pissed. I remember talking to a woman that really tried to help me. I just couldn't report it like she was asking. I remember a tall slender man with brown hair and glasses pulling up in a van. I remember telling the
It seems like when things seem so overwhelming a tiny little miracle happens to help make it to the next day. Sometimes that miracle is as simple as being able to offer a little help to someone who is stuck as well. Sometimes it means just listening and sometimes it means saying anything that lets them know they aren't going it alone. Sometimes it means letting them work through it and sometimes it means getting their mind off of the terrible stuff and on to something lighter. Sometimes it is as
Disappointed I'm at work but thankful still that I have a job. life is seeming a little normal lately and I'm really enjoying it. Down to one job now with a few extra hours available to help out at home. Hubby is hubby. Some days are good for him and other days he struggles in silence. I worry about his depression but I have to remind myself I can only do so much for him and the rest he has to reach out for himself. He is a good and kind man that deserves to be happy and carefree but frankly, I
Fall brings that wonderfully crisp clean air that makes everything feel new and wholesome again. The brisk air is cool and refreshing with the comforting scent of woodburning stoves and hearty comfort foods while the gentle rain washes away the dirt and sweat of summer and brings the grass back to life for a few more barefoot strolls across nature's perfect carpet. Warm and cozy jackets snuggle us in the evening and that favorite blanket comes out of storage. The landscape becomes a work of art
Thunderstorms are finally drifting into the area. I got more than a couple hours of sleep today so I am busy doing things at work tonight. I've changed bulbs and installed hardware and soon I will begin the daily chores of picking up and setting up for the new day. I've had an opportunity to be human for a little while today and talk to people other than the thoughts in my head about things that are happening in their world and ours. My struggles are simple really compared to someone who is stru
I am trying to come to terms with feelings I may have and not be aware of in my own head. For the most part when I deal with things that have happened to me, my motto has always been, "it made me who I am and I am not too bad." I have made my life a success by the standards of my youth and I am happy, comfortable and safe most of the time. I am usually the 'rock' where ever I might be. At work or at home, I am to one with the answers, the decisions, the matriarch of my surroundings. Sometimes, o
